I want it so badly I can taste it

We met Dr. Benjamin, Riley’s new endo, last week. I was a little wary about the visit. We absolutely adored Dr. Morris and I knew there was no way we would find anyone else like her. I told Michael on the way to the appointment that as long as the doctor didn’t say we tested too much or that we shouldn’t test sugars in the middle of the night, then I’d be OK.

The first thing the doctor said, after introducing himself, was how awesome Dr. Morris was and that he actually trained under her when he first started. Then, he said how his philosophy was much like hers in that he was there to help us fit diabetes into Riley’s life and not Riley’s life into diabetes. That’s when I knew we’d be just fine.

All in all it was a very pleasant visit. Even though I thought Riley’s A1C would be decent I am always on pins and needles waiting for the result. After Dr. B gave his little spiel he said, “Riley’s A1C is awesome, by the way. Is it always in that range?”

“What range is that?”

“Well, it’s 7.2 today.”

(Yay!!!) I told him it was hovering around there for a while, but due to a bad school year last year we’d gotten up in the 7.8-7.9 range and worked hard to get it back down, with the last one being 7.4.

Dr. B then said that his goal for kids Riley’s age was 7.5, so he was very pleased with the 7.2.

Riley’s sugars have really been doing well lately. Of course, diabetes still lets me know who the boss is every now and then, but for the most part, everything has been going well.

I just opened up an email with an attachment of the newsletter from Riley’s school. There was an announcement in it about Walk of Hope which will be held on October 7 to raise money for a cure for Type 1 diabetes. (All proceeds will go to Dr. Faustman’s awesome research going on at Mass General Hospital. Please go here to make a donation. If you do, please comment or email me and let me know. I’d love to add the total to the amount raised at the walk.)

As I read it my eyes filled up with tears and started to spill over onto my cheeks. It caught me completely off guard. It came out of nowhere.

Well, not out of nowhere, I guess. It came out of almost 4 whole years of worry, blood sugar tests, needles, highs, lows, carb counting, praying, crying….

Riley’s 4 year anniversary of his diagnosis is coming up on Tuesday. I don’t know why it gets to me every year, but it does.

October 6, 2005 will always be imprinted in my memory. It is the thought of that day, and knowing that right now, other parents (and their kids) are having a day just like that of their very own, that make me want a cure so badly I can taste it.

I used to be so sure that one day I would taste it for real. Now, I’m not so sure, but I’m not going to stop trying to make it happen. I will fight for a cure, until my very last breath. It’s the least I can do for Riley. I said this several years ago and I still mean it: I fight for a cure, because I don’t want Riley to ask me one day why I never tried to fix it. I want to be able to tell him that I tried my very best.

Although, in the back of my mind, I fear that my best is not good enough.