I'm having one of those days again. One of those days when diabetes is all I can think about and I'm just overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning in test strips and insulin.
We checked Riley's sugar a record 17 times yesterday. He just kept going so low. So, I kind of overloaded him at bedtime. I am just terrified of him going too low at night, so I tend to overdo it sometimes. His sugar at bedtime was 91, not even close to an acceptable range. (usually acceptable is between 150-160) So, he got ice cream. He gets that at bed quite often because it tends to last through the night. 25 minutes later, he's a still too low 97. So, he gets a drinkable yogurt. When I finally tuck him in, he's a somewhat comfortable 136. An hour and 20 minutes later, he's a not so comfortable 358. He ran high all night and woke up with a sugar of 203. Now, he didn't get any insulin for the 358, but I'll get to that in a minute. I decreased his Lantus back to 1 unit, because all of the lows yesterday really scared me. His post breakfast sugar was 344. Later, he was 367. He had not had any insulin in over 4 hours, so he got a tiny 1/2 unit dose of NovoLog. This tiny little dose dropped his sugar down to fifty-freaking-eight. Yes, you read that right. His sugar dropped almost 300 points in an hour and a half. This has happened quite often. A 1/2 unit of Novo Log usually drops his sugar anywhere from 260-300 points. So, you see my conundrum. What do you do? Just let him run high? I can't give any less than 1/2 unit. I'm afraid if I don't give him anything, he'll shoot up in the 400s. I literally get pictures in my head of dying kidneys when his sugar gets too high. I can't help myself. Yet, because his smart little brain is still developing the lows terrify me too. There is just no winning with this disease. Absolutely no way to win. Diabetes will "one up" you all the time. It will always remind you who is boss. It usually spits in your face too, just for good measure.
I'm sick of this disease. I'm sick of insulin and carbs, and ,my goodness, the test strips are multiplying. I find them EVERYWHERE . They are in the carpet. They are in the car. They are in the yard. I've literally woken up in the morning with a test strip tucked safely in my hair. My husband found one in front of the drink machine at his school the other day. There is only one person who works there who has D, and they use a different machine, so it was determined that the test strip followed him to work.
I broke down at work today. I hate that . I hate to cry in front of anyone, including my husband, but when my mom called me at work today to tell me that Riley's sugar was 367, I just lost it. Of course my co-workers were looking at me like I had lost my mind. I don't blame them. They don't understand. They don't really get how hard all of this is. They couldn't know unless they lived it and I don't wish that on anyone. As I was crying, "I can't do this anymore!' just kept going around and around in my brain. But, then I snapped out of it. I have to do this. I have to be there for Riley. I can't give up. I can't slack off.
I know my break down had to do with a lot of factors. For one thing, I am very sleep deprived. You other parents out there know what I'm talking about. Things had gotten better, but now that Riley's numbers have gone haywire in the middle of the night again, sleep is a thing of the past. If I do get to sleep, it's not long before the alarm clock goes off and I'm up and lancing a tiny finger again. Michael does help with this, but I always wake up too and wait to hear those 2 little beeps and then ask, "What is it?" Also, the whole pump thing is stressing me out a bit. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to start. But, I'm also nervous about how things are going to be.
I'm sorry to dump all this negativity out, but I guess it's better than keeping it in. Thank you all of my invisible internet friends for listening. (reading, whatever) Even though I can't see you, it's comforting to know that you're there and that you get it. I know that you've been there and you've made it through and ,somehow, I will too.