What is it about "firsts" that make me crazy. I don't consciously think about it, but when the day comes, I'm a blubbering idiot. We had two "firsts with diabetes" in a row. Riley's birthday, his first with D, was on Saturday. Then, mother's day was the very next day.
I did pretty good on his birthday. There was so much other stuff going on that I didn't have time to think about it all, I guess. Plus, he was having so much fun.
But, mother's day, that's another story. It probably didn't help that due to Riley's increased activity on Saturday, he ran low most of the night. Not too low, but low enough to get me up to check his sugar more often. Then, at 6 AM, he was 71. Too low. This was after his pump had been suspended for 3 hours already. He gets a snack and wakes up at 249. A great start to mother's day.
I was just so sad all morning. I had so much to be thankful for, I knew, but still this first mother's day with D was upsetting me for some reason.
Then, it was off to church. It was nice. We have people place carnations in the sanctuary in memory or honor of their mothers. I got two. One from Riley and one from Holden.
Of course the sermon was about mothers. As the preacher is going on about how wonderful mothers are, I'm biting my lip trying not to cry. He goes on to say that real mothers are very protective of their children. They'll do anything to keep any harm from coming to them. OK, I'm about to lose it in the middle of church.
Riley had gone to "children's church". After the sermon ended, he came running in with this big grin on his face and a homemade mother's day card, just for me. When he handed me the card and said, "Happy mother's day. I love you." , I.lost.it...big.time.
I just started kissing him and crying. My mom was standing there and I felt bad for crying like that in front of her. I quickly got up and walked to the car. I didn't want anyone to see me like that.
Here's the thing. I'm a mom before anything else. That's not really how it's supposed to be. But, I'm being honest. I put being a good mother number one on my list of priorities. Because of that, I think I felt like somewhat of a failure on this, his first mother's day with diabetes. I felt like I had fallen down on the job. I disease has taken over my child's body. And I can't do anything about it. I can't make it go away. All the tears, all the prayers, all the sleepless nights, and he still has diabetes. And he always will. He always will. What horrible words to write. Yes, I still hope for a cure, but baring that, my child, my precious baby, will always count every bite of food he eats, will stick himself with a needle several times a day to check his sugar, will be attached to a machine 24/7. My baby is dependent on medicine to live. Without it he will die. Die. Without his insulin, he would die. I just keep typing it to try to get it to sink in.
I know him having diabetes is not my fault. I know "it's just one of those things". Cognitively I know that, but it doesn't help my heart. My heart still aches for him on a daily basis. My heart still breaks a little every time he says "Mom, I'm so glad I won't have diabetes in heaven. Do you think God will hold my pump for me?" You see, even though he knows he won't have diabetes in heaven, he still can't imagine not having his pump. It's a part of him now.
I'm his mom. I'm supposed to make him better. I'm supposed to protect him from the bad stuff. That's my job. Nothing bad is supposed to happen on my watch. But, in October, it did. And, I can't fix it. I can't make it go away. And, it just kills me.