I have put off writing the post for a few days because I needed to get my emotions in check before writing it. I have been very klempy lately. Ever since Riley's diagnosis I have had times when I would tear up here and there, but usually I get out a good cry and it's over. But, this weepy time has lasted a little longer.
While I was in the car between patients yesterday, I started to analyze why I've been so down lately. Riley's sugars have been good (with the exception of yesterday). Work is going well. My family is healthy and happy. Life is good. So, what is wrong with me?
I think it comes down to a couple of things. First, the walk. I am organizing this walk all by myself. I've emailed, literally, hundreds of people. I've had meetings with people. The last meeting was with a marketing director at the local hospital, who was very helpful. But, the stress of organizing the walk is not what's getting to me. I can handle the stress. I think what's bothering me is having diabetes on my mind 24/7.
You would think I have diabetes on my mind 24/7 anyway. I don't. I used to in the beginning, But, now sometimes I'm almost on auto pilot. As much as I wish it wasn't , diabetes has just become a part of my life. But, to think about the walk, I have to think about a cure. That is what the walk is all about anyway. And, while I am very hopeful of a cure in the near future, I know that there may never be one.
Of course, I've been aware of this from the very beginning. As I've said before, in the beginning I didn't really believe there would ever be a cure anyway. But, to constantly be reminded every day that all of this could be for naught, has kind of worn on me.
The money from the walk is not just going to The Iacocca Foundation. The Iacocca Foundation funds many research projects. But, the money from Walk of Hope is earmarked to go only to the Nathan-Faustman Project. I really believe in Faustman's research. But, by putting my eggs all in one basket, I may just be setting myself up for heartache later if her human trials don't work. But, on the other hand, she needs $11 million for her research. Right now, she has $9 million. But, they've started their human clinical trials now in hopes that the rest of the money will come later. While I know if she starts showing some success more money will poor in, I keep thinking that what if they are in the middle of some very promising research and they run out of money. That would just be horrible.
I am mainly doing this walk because I want to be able to tell Riley I did what I could to help make a cure happen. Like I told my mom the other day, if I just sat back and waited for a cure and that cure never came, I would feel like it was partly my fault because I didn't do what I should. But, by putting the money into one project, if that project fails, I'll feel like what I did was all in vain. Yet, at the same time, I feel compelled to put the money there. I don't usually second guess myself. I don't know what's wrong with me.
While the walk and the thought of a cure (or lack of one), is weighing on me, it is not the sole reason for all of my emotions as of late.
Riley's anniversary is 4 weeks away. I remember early on saying I would not do anything to commemorate that day. I felt like it would be like the anniversary of the death of a loved one. While you remember that loved one on that day and think of how you miss them, it doesn't consume your day. Well, almost a year later, I am commemorating that day in a way. Riley's anniversary is Oct 6th. The walk is Oct 7th. I wanted to do something positive. What is more positive than raising money to find a cure?
It's not the date that is bothering me as much as the fact that Riley has lived with this disease for almost a year. For some reason that really hits me hard. I didn't really know why until a couple of nights ago.
I was lying in bed with my head on Michael's chest. As I was lying there I started thinking about how I remember things as before diabetes and after diabetes. I don't have the best memory when it comes to when things happened. So, when something is mentioned that happened last year, I think "Was that before Riley had D or after?".
But, as I'm lying there it hit me that I only have a few weeks before I won't be able to say, "Last year when Riley didn't have diabetes" For some reason, that's very painful for me. That's when the tears started, softly, at first, just enough to let Michael know by the wetness falling on his chest. But, then it was the sobbing that I did so often in the beginning of this disease.
I think it's almost like when you lose a loved one and your scared you'll forget what they looked like or how their voice sounded. I'm scared I won't remember life before diabetes. I won't remember Riley without his pump. I won't remember going to a birthday party and not carefully eyeballing his piece of cake. I won't remember watching him run around and around without wondering if I should decrease his basal.
But, what hurts the most, is I know Riley will not remember life like that. He was 3 when this stupid disease invaded his body. He will have no memory of the day when he didn't wear a pump or check his sugar. Sometimes I think it might be a good thing he got it so early. I guess you can't miss what you don't remember. But, it hurts that he may never know what it's like to not have diabetes as a part of his life.
So, that's why I've been down for the last few days. But, I really am feeling better now. While I was in the car analyzing why I was feeling like I do, I was listening to a CD that I hadn't listened to in a while. I had turned it down to call my mom to check on how Riley was doing. When I turned it back up a song was on that I usually skip over. It's not one of my favorites. But, the chorus was on and it caught my attention. It reminded me that even though I don't know what the future might bring, I do know that we'lll be OK. It gave me the peace that I needed to go on.
Lord (I Don't Know) by Newsboys
You are the author of knowledge
You can redeem what's been done
You hold the present and all that's to come
Until Your everlasting kingdom
Chorus: Lord, I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
You are the God of tomorrow
Turning the darkness to dawn
Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on
You are the rock of all salvation
Oh, Lord you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present
And all that is to come