Thursday, October 05, 2006

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Riley's one year anniversary of having diabetes. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard.

I have plans to have a "fun day" with Riley tomorrow: maybe go to the park, go to a movie, go out for ice cream. You get the idea. I want tomorrow to be special. He doesn't know the significance of tomorrow and I'm not going to tell him. I am just going to make tomorrow all about him. After all, a year ago it was all about him ,but kind of in a bad way.

Because of all that I have planned for tomorrow maybe that is why all my emotions are overflowing today. I worked today. I cried in between every patient. I even cried at one patient's house. But, she's 96 and can't see or hear. She has no idea I did it. I just couldn't help myself.

I really feel like Riley has been diagnosed all over again. All the emotions I felt last October 6th have come flooding back like they never left. All the uncertainty, the fear, the sorrow. Just the utter grief that I have because my baby has a disease and I can't do anything about it.

I'm having trouble just putting one foot in front of the other today. Really. At my 96 year old's house, I just sat in the chair for the longest time. I couldn't move. I was just so overcome with emotions. I feel so drained. Not physically, but emotionally.

It's a wired feeling. I don't want to feel this way, but try as I might that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach won't go away. I'll just be driving along and an image of Riley in the hospital flashes through my mind or the look on the Dr's face when he walked in to tell me that my son's life had changed forever. I'll never forget that look. It was a look of sympathy. I knew before he ever opened his mouth what he was going to say.

I 'm not going to recount the day here. I really don't want to think it about it right now. If anyone would like to read Riley's diagnosis story, you can go to my very first post.

It's really been a while since I had a breakdown because of this disease. I have my "curse diabetes" moments, but I haven't had a sob-fest in a while. I guess I was overdue.

Today, the box has overturned. All the bad things are scattered about on the floor and I just don't have the energy to pick them up and put them back in. Maybe later, but not right now. For now, I'll just sit in the corner and stare at them, wondering how they ever entered our lives in the first place and wondering if they'll ever really leave.

6 comments:

Sandra Miller said...

Oh Penny,

I wish I could come by and just sit with you.

The weight of this thing gets to be so much more when you come up on that first-year anniversary.

Sending many positive thoughts to you and your family.

Many (((hugs)))

Sandra

Scott K. Johnson said...

Thinking of you guys.

Everyone handles it a bit differently, and for you, I think the emotions are just part of it, at least for now.

Just be where you need to be, and feel how you need to feel. There's no sense in trying to rush yourself through anything. You will feel better when you feel better.

Bernard said...

Penny

My heart goes out to you. I hope and pray that sometime within the next 10 years you can say "Tomorrow is the first day that my son doesn't have diabetes."

That will be a day when many of us get down on our knees and thank God.

In the meantime I hope that you endure and that your son continues to be positive about it all. It's not an easy road, but it sounds like he's got a good attitude and a great Mom.

Both of these will help more than either of you can know.

Anonymous said...

Penny,
Please know we will be sitting here quietly, crying with you and when you are ready to move into the next part of the cycle we will have Huge Hugs for you.
Viv

Penny said...

Sandra,
I would love to have you come sit with me. But, since you can't , I'll just know that you're thinking of me and that you really get how I feel. That means a lot to me.

Scott,
Your comments always make me feel better. Thanks.

Bernard,
Thank you for you kind and encouraging comments. They helped me more than you could know.

Penny said...

Oh, and Vivian,
Thank you for the support, and I'm ready for that hug now.