Since Riley was diagnosed with diabetes I have been determined that it wouldn’t stop our family from doing the things we always did.
And, I succeeded pretty well with that.
We still went on vacations. We still went to the beach to spend the day. Holden played on a traveling basketball team and I drug Riley along for the ride. Riley participated in sports.
But, it sort of felt empty. I was happy, but I felt like the happiness was tainted somehow. My happiness was a little gray around the edges.
But, lately, I feel as if I’ve awakened from a deep sleep or that I’ve been walking around in a fog for, oh, let’s say the last 19 months or so.
I go to the tennis courts and hit the ball around with Holden. I’m walking and trying to work myself up to start running. I go and sit on the beach and glance up from my book long enough to see Riley playing in the water. I cheer for Riley when he hits the ball and takes off for first base.
These are all things I’ve done many times before. But, somehow, it’s different now.
Before, I was doing all these things in spite of diabetes. Now, I’m doing things without factoring diabetes into the equation at all.
It may not sound like much of a difference, but it is.
I guess maybe I’ve just finally decided that diabetes isn’t going anywhere. It’s time to get on with life.
So, what have I been doing the last 19 months? I’ve been living life, but my heart wasn’t in it. My heart was still hurting too much from the pain caused by a disease that invaded my son’s body.
Don’t get me wrong; the pain is still there a little. I think, to some extent, it always will be there. But, it’s dulled enough for me to stop focusing on it.
And, as far as a cure goes, my hope is still there. I have to hope that one day Riley won’t have this anymore. But, do I believe there will ever be a cure? I’m not so sure.
I continue to pray every day for the researchers that are working to find a cure. I will be holding Walk of Hope again in October.
But, I’ve decided that there may never be a cure. I hope there will be. You don’t know how much I wish for it. But, I just have to accept that maybe there won’t be.
And, because I've accepted that, I'm the happiest I’ve been in a while. There's not any gray around the edges anymore.