You know, I had many parents tell me in the beginning of this disease that checking sugars and giving insulin would just become second nature. They were right. I wish they weren't.
The last few weeks have been a blur of finger pricks, button pushes, and site changes. I test, I bolus, I change sets almost like a robot. I see a 300, I give insulin. I see a 50 and I give fruit snacks. I see a 120 and I smile. Then, I go on with my life like sticking my child with needles 10-12 times a day is perfectly normal.
When did I become complacent? When did I just accept this stupid disease?
Yes, I guess you need to accept it in some way to stay sane. But, I feel like I've almost invited diabetes in as a part of the family.
I don't know how to explain it. I just feel that by testing and bolusing and not really thinking about it, I've succumbed to the fact that Riley will always have this disease. It's just become a part of our life.
Of course, there are two sides to every coin. Accepting diabetes as a part of Riley's life is healthy, I guess. It's a little easier on the emotions. And, it's, well, realistic, practical.
But, I don't want it to be a part of Riley's life. I feel that by accepting it, I've given up hope of him ever living without it.
I've talked about a cure before. I really don't think about it all that much. I can't. The thought of a Riley that doesn't need needles and insulin seems like heaven to me. But, to think that it may never happen is very painful.
By the same token, I have to hope for a cure. I feel like if I don't, I'm somehow letting Riley down. That by not hoping I've given up.
Have I given up?
Sometimes I try to imagine Riley without diabetes. And, I can't. How sad is that? I can't see Riley just going to the cabinet, getting out a snack and eating it. It seems so foreign to me.
I'm not really sure what this post is all about. I've just been acutely aware lately of how much I have been accepting diabetes and what it does to Riley. It's in the back of my mind that I need to fight, but I just don't have the strength. I'm tired of wishing, hoping, waiting, fighting, only to get up every morning to do it all over again.
It makes me feel like diabetes has won. I feel like I've given up the fight, like I've raised the white flag. Like I'm telling diabetes it's OK that it has taken up residence in my child's body. I used to feel like it was just renting a space. Now, I see a little sign that says "under contract" and it's only a matter of filling out the paperwork before Riley's body will be it's permanent home.
I guess the fact that I'm writing this post and pondering all these things means I haven't given up hope just yet. But, I feel like I'm really close. And, that scares me.
I'm teetering on the brink of giving up.
I need someone to talk me off the ledge.