Hate is such a strong word.
I have never felt as much hatred as I do now. It’s really not in my nature to hate anyone or anything. I might dislike something, but again, hate is a strong word.
But, I hate diabetes with a passion I never knew existed.
When Riley’s sugar went from 342 to 36 in an hour and a half today my hatred just bubbled over. The fact that he still had plenty of insulin on board didn’t help matters any.
I was riding down the road and I could barely see the truck in front of me through the tears that were stinging my eyes. This time the tears where not from the pain of dealing with the disease, but rather, pure, unadulterated anger for what this disease does to my child.
The word unfair crossed my mind a few times.
I know, life is unfair. The fact that two parents lost their 17-year-old son in a wreck is unfair. The fact that people are going hungry is unfair.
Yes, I do know that life is unfair. But, it’s just supposed to be unfair for me, not my son. One of my jobs as a mother it to protect my children from the unfairness in the world for as long as I can.
But, Riley, he learned how unfair life is at the age of three.
I look at how tiny his fingers are when I do a sugar test, and I hate this disease.
I see him trying to hold back the tears when I change his needle. He’s trying to be so brave. He shouldn’t have to. And, I hate this disease.
I see the look of pleading on his face when his sugar is low. He’s looking for me to help. All I can do is sit and hold him and kiss his head until he feels better. And, I hate this disease.
I watch other kids pick up a snack or a piece of candy and pop it into their mouth without a second thought. They didn’t have to ask their mom if it was OK. They didn’t have to prick themselves with a needle first. And, I hate this disease.
Yes, I hate this disease. But, as much hatred as I have for it and as intense as it is, it doesn’t even scratch the surface of how much I love my little boy.
And, because of that, I know that everything is going to be OK.
I will always hate diabetes, but at the end of the day the love that I have for my child wins out.
I watch him pretending to be a Jedi and my heart overflows with love.
I see his chest rise and fall as he's sleeping and I'm so thankful to have him at all. And, my heart overflows with love.
I watch him run to first base and after he gets there he turns to me and waves. And, my heart overflows with love.
Diabetes thinks it has the upper hand, but it's wrong. It can make me hate, it can make me curse, and it can make me cry. But, it cannot take away the love that I have for my child.
Love trumps diabetes every time.