Early on in Riley’s diagnosis I was full of hope for a cure because I had to be. I couldn’t bare the thought that Riley would have diabetes forever. My coping mechanism at the time was to believe with all my heart that there would be a cure. It was a comfort to think that one day he wouldn’t be dependant upon insulin for survival. Believing that was the key to my survival at the time.
Now, my coping mechanism has changed. Three and a half years later I still hope for a cure. I will always hope for one. But, that hope is different somehow. There is no passion behind it. My coping mechanism now is to believe that Riley will always have diabetes because if I allow myself to think otherwise I become disheartened. I can’t spend my time longing for a day that may never come.
I used to think about Riley going to college and believe that diabetes would no longer be a factor because he would be cured. Now, I think about him going off to college and I see him being a strong independent young man, a young man with the same hopes and dreams as everyone else. But, a young man with an insulin pump tethered to his side, a young man who can juggle classes and diabetes all at the same time.
I read plenty of blogs by moms whose children have been diagnosed in the last year or so. I see so much of my old self in their posts. Back in the day just about all of my time and energy was focused on diabetes. All of my hope was wrapped up in a cure. I wanted to make sure that I crossed every t and dotted every i when it came to diabetes. I had to be perfect.
Merriam-Webster defines jaded as: (a) fatigued by overwork or (b) made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience. After reading that definition I think right next to it you could put a picture of me holding a meter and a bottle of insulin.
I'm not proud of it, but I've become jaded by diabetes. Fatigued by overwork? Check. Dull and cynical by experience? Check again. ( I haven't reached apathy though.)
I realized a long time ago that it is just not possible to be perfect when it comes to this disease. Over the years I've found that you can pour every ounce of your time and energy into diabetes and it still is what it is. You may control it for a time, but eventually it will come right back and bite you in the butt. Hard.
I've learned that it doesn't get easier. I'm not saying that to discourage anyone. Emotionally it's easier for me. But, the care of this disease is harder. Riley's growing older. He's hitting growth spurts at alarming speeds. Most of the time I just cannot keep up and he ends up high far too often. He's most certainly out of his honeymoon. It used to be that if I screwed up his pancreas would help out a little. Now, it's all on me.
So, yes I am cynical. You can only be bitten so many times before you stop putting your butt in the cage to begin with.
I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that Riley may have diabetes forever. I’ve had to learn to have peace with that. For the sake of my sanity I have to live life like there will never be a cure. Yet, I still long for the day when someone proves me wrong.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
They Come in Eights
I was tagged by Jill so here it goes....
Eight things I’m looking forward to….
Retirement
The end of school for my kids.
My last day of work for the summer.
Having grandkids
Seeing Holden and Riley grow into adults
Summer mission trip
Being able to get a new pump (we want the remote)
A cure for Type 1 diabetes
Eight things I did yesterday…
Worked
Ate lunch
Went to the grocery store
Logged blood sugars
Made basal adjustments
Helped Riley with his homework
Cooked supper
Read a book
Eight things I wish I could do…
Cure diabetes
Quit work
Become a millionaire
Sing well
Pay for all of Holden’s college
Take Riley’s diabetes as my own
Take time for myself without feeling guilty
Keep my house clean
Eight shows I watch…
CSI
House
The Mentalist
Property Virgins
Flip This House
Criminal Minds
Dr. Phil
House Hunters
Eight people I want to read 8 things about…
Sandra ( A Shot in the Dark)
Carey ( Up high...Down low)
Shannon (Mom Wants A Diabetes Cure)
Chris (rub eyes when needed)
Vivian (DanielDoo)
Kelly (Chasing Numbers)
Scott (Scott's Diabetes Journal)
Joanne (Death of a Pancreas)
As far as the shows go there really aren’t any shows that I make a special effort to watch every week. The ones I listed are the ones I am most likely to stop and watch as I’m flipping through the channels.
And, for the eight people I tagged, there are a few (and you know who you are) that haven’t posted in a while. I’m trying to get them to post again.
Eight things I’m looking forward to….
Retirement
The end of school for my kids.
My last day of work for the summer.
Having grandkids
Seeing Holden and Riley grow into adults
Summer mission trip
Being able to get a new pump (we want the remote)
A cure for Type 1 diabetes
Eight things I did yesterday…
Worked
Ate lunch
Went to the grocery store
Logged blood sugars
Made basal adjustments
Helped Riley with his homework
Cooked supper
Read a book
Eight things I wish I could do…
Cure diabetes
Quit work
Become a millionaire
Sing well
Pay for all of Holden’s college
Take Riley’s diabetes as my own
Take time for myself without feeling guilty
Keep my house clean
Eight shows I watch…
CSI
House
The Mentalist
Property Virgins
Flip This House
Criminal Minds
Dr. Phil
House Hunters
Eight people I want to read 8 things about…
Sandra ( A Shot in the Dark)
Carey ( Up high...Down low)
Shannon (Mom Wants A Diabetes Cure)
Chris (rub eyes when needed)
Vivian (DanielDoo)
Kelly (Chasing Numbers)
Scott (Scott's Diabetes Journal)
Joanne (Death of a Pancreas)
As far as the shows go there really aren’t any shows that I make a special effort to watch every week. The ones I listed are the ones I am most likely to stop and watch as I’m flipping through the channels.
And, for the eight people I tagged, there are a few (and you know who you are) that haven’t posted in a while. I’m trying to get them to post again.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Now What?
Riley had a scheduled endo appointment on April 17th. A few days before the appointment I got a voicemail from the receptionist saying that the doctor had to cancel the appointment due to health reasons. She said she would call back in 2 weeks and reschedule.
Friday was 2 weeks from when his appointment was scheduled. I called and left a message wanting to reschedule the appointment. I got a voicemail from Dr. Morris yesterday.
She called to tell me that she was in surgery 2 weeks ago and that she had a follow up appointment on Tuesday (tomorrow) and after her appointment she would know more what her schedule was and would call to schedule an appointment. Then, she dropped the bomb.
I’m not sure how old Dr. M is but she’s on the older end of the spectrum. I’ve always wondered what we would do when she retired. I’ve always secretly hoped that Riley would be cured before that happened.
Anyway, she said she wanted to let me know something before I heard it somewhere else. She will be closing her practice. She said her health is good right now and she’ll probably keep it open for another 2 months.
I was devastated. I love, love, love Dr. M. I think she was heaven-sent. For those who don’t know: When Riley was first diagnosed he was sent to the local pediatric endo that covered the hospital where he was diagnosed. We live in Eastern NC and this doctor is the only ped endo in Eastern NC. To say he has a big practice is putting it mildly. Anyway, I liked him just fine but since he was so adamantly against the pump for Riley and I was so gung-ho about it, he wasn’t really a good fit for us.
I let him know that I would prefer to see someone else. His PA said she would check around for doctors that specialize in small children on the pump (Riley was 3 at the time) and call back. Of course, I took matters into my own hands and started searching on the internet.
Almost immediately I found Dr. M. I read a (positive) message someone had left on insulinpumpers.org about her and small kids on the pump. I thought I’d give her a try. I called her office and left a message. Later that afternoon I got a voicemail. Dr. M, herself not her receptionist (impressive), had called and told me she had an appointment available in a couple of weeks. I immediately called back to confirm the appointment. The next day I had a voicemail from the PA at the previous doctor’s office. She read off about 4 names of doctors that were good with kids and the pump. Dr. M was the first doctor on the list.
Riley was diagnosed in October 2005 and we’ve been seeing Dr. M since December of 2005. I was very straightforward from the very beginning that I wanted Riley to be on the pump and that is why I went to her. She was upfront too and told me she wouldn’t just stick him on the pump without knowing that he really needed it or that it would benefit him.
We took initial pump training in January and on March 3, 2006 Riley started pumping insulin for the very first time. Dr. M has been there every step of the way. Not only has she seen him every 3 months for the last 3+ years. I have her home number and her cell number. I have been told to call her anytime day or night. I called her in the middle of the night at home early on in the pump start and she was very pleasant and did not seem to mind that I disturbed her sleep.
She is in a private practice. She is the only doctor. She doesn’t even have a nurse. Her office staff consists of her and her receptionist. I love that when I call she knows exactly who I am and who Riley is. She knows that I try very hard and that sometimes in her opinion I try too hard.
She’s never been harsh, but always reassuring. She doesn’t let me off the hook if Riley’s A1C is up, but she doesn’t chastise me either. She focuses a little on the A1C and sugars, but what is most important to me is that she focuses on Riley. She always asks him how he’s doing and if he’s happy. One thing she always asks is: “Is there anything that diabetes keeps you from doing that you want to do?” Thankfully, Riley’s answer has always been no, but I know that if he ever said yes, then she’d sit down with us and figure out how to change that.
I know I’ve rambled on and on. But, I really can’t imagine seeing anyone but her. We haven’t told Riley yet because we don’t want to have to upset him until it can’t be helped. So, I’m going to start looking for another endo so when the time comes we’ll be prepared.
If any of you know a good pediatric endo in NC please let me know. We will not be seeing the one in Eastern NC, Dr. Harris. Dr. M is in Chapel Hill which is about 3 hours from home, so we’re willing to drive that far to see someone as long as they are good.
Friday was 2 weeks from when his appointment was scheduled. I called and left a message wanting to reschedule the appointment. I got a voicemail from Dr. Morris yesterday.
She called to tell me that she was in surgery 2 weeks ago and that she had a follow up appointment on Tuesday (tomorrow) and after her appointment she would know more what her schedule was and would call to schedule an appointment. Then, she dropped the bomb.
I’m not sure how old Dr. M is but she’s on the older end of the spectrum. I’ve always wondered what we would do when she retired. I’ve always secretly hoped that Riley would be cured before that happened.
Anyway, she said she wanted to let me know something before I heard it somewhere else. She will be closing her practice. She said her health is good right now and she’ll probably keep it open for another 2 months.
I was devastated. I love, love, love Dr. M. I think she was heaven-sent. For those who don’t know: When Riley was first diagnosed he was sent to the local pediatric endo that covered the hospital where he was diagnosed. We live in Eastern NC and this doctor is the only ped endo in Eastern NC. To say he has a big practice is putting it mildly. Anyway, I liked him just fine but since he was so adamantly against the pump for Riley and I was so gung-ho about it, he wasn’t really a good fit for us.
I let him know that I would prefer to see someone else. His PA said she would check around for doctors that specialize in small children on the pump (Riley was 3 at the time) and call back. Of course, I took matters into my own hands and started searching on the internet.
Almost immediately I found Dr. M. I read a (positive) message someone had left on insulinpumpers.org about her and small kids on the pump. I thought I’d give her a try. I called her office and left a message. Later that afternoon I got a voicemail. Dr. M, herself not her receptionist (impressive), had called and told me she had an appointment available in a couple of weeks. I immediately called back to confirm the appointment. The next day I had a voicemail from the PA at the previous doctor’s office. She read off about 4 names of doctors that were good with kids and the pump. Dr. M was the first doctor on the list.
Riley was diagnosed in October 2005 and we’ve been seeing Dr. M since December of 2005. I was very straightforward from the very beginning that I wanted Riley to be on the pump and that is why I went to her. She was upfront too and told me she wouldn’t just stick him on the pump without knowing that he really needed it or that it would benefit him.
We took initial pump training in January and on March 3, 2006 Riley started pumping insulin for the very first time. Dr. M has been there every step of the way. Not only has she seen him every 3 months for the last 3+ years. I have her home number and her cell number. I have been told to call her anytime day or night. I called her in the middle of the night at home early on in the pump start and she was very pleasant and did not seem to mind that I disturbed her sleep.
She is in a private practice. She is the only doctor. She doesn’t even have a nurse. Her office staff consists of her and her receptionist. I love that when I call she knows exactly who I am and who Riley is. She knows that I try very hard and that sometimes in her opinion I try too hard.
She’s never been harsh, but always reassuring. She doesn’t let me off the hook if Riley’s A1C is up, but she doesn’t chastise me either. She focuses a little on the A1C and sugars, but what is most important to me is that she focuses on Riley. She always asks him how he’s doing and if he’s happy. One thing she always asks is: “Is there anything that diabetes keeps you from doing that you want to do?” Thankfully, Riley’s answer has always been no, but I know that if he ever said yes, then she’d sit down with us and figure out how to change that.
I know I’ve rambled on and on. But, I really can’t imagine seeing anyone but her. We haven’t told Riley yet because we don’t want to have to upset him until it can’t be helped. So, I’m going to start looking for another endo so when the time comes we’ll be prepared.
If any of you know a good pediatric endo in NC please let me know. We will not be seeing the one in Eastern NC, Dr. Harris. Dr. M is in Chapel Hill which is about 3 hours from home, so we’re willing to drive that far to see someone as long as they are good.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Who Would I Be?
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if diabetes had never touched it? I don't, at least, not usually. But, last night I wondered, not what life itself would be like, but more what I would be like.
I'm usually a pretty easy going person. I'm usually content with whatever is going on around me. I learned early on in life that it's much easier to just go with the flow and wait for the calm instead of trying to tame a raging river.
Then Type 1 diabetes entered my life, not my body, but my life via my three year old child. And, not to sound dramatic or anything, but the moment he was diagnosed my world as I knew it changed drastically. My life has not been the same since October 6, 2005. And, never will be again, I’m afraid.
It’s taken 3 ½ years but diabetes has finally worn me down. It’s chipped away at my once pristine veneer and has left vulnerable parts of me exposed, mostly my heart but also my mind and sometimes I think it’s reached my soul. It’s put several chinks in my armor, enough that I feel exposed and vulnerable to attacks.
Three and a half years ago if you would have asked me if I was strong I would say yes without missing a beat. Now, I’d say the exact opposite in the same manor. At least, I don’t feel strong anymore. I feel like I’ve been pounded over and over again until I’m too weak to even raise my hands to defend myself. It’s just easier to let the blows hit me square in the face.
It’s not just diabetes that makes me feel this way. It’s life in general. Life is tough. But, life has always been tough. I had Holden when I was 17. I graduated high school and went on to college. I made it through nursing school (which is grueling) while commuting 2 hours every day, working part time, and raising a toddler. Those were some tough times, but also some of the happiest times of my life.
I graduated from nursing school, found a job, and moved out of my parent’s house and on my own. Right around that same time I met Michael. We started seeing each other and 3 years later got married. Two years after that we had Riley. Life was good. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but it was good.
Diabetes has its ups and downs like always. Riley’s sugars are back and forth. I’m logging and making basal changes at least once a week. Yesterday he hit 496 on his meter while at school. Then, last night after his site change we chased an impending low for a couple of hours. He never actually went low but was just on the low end of the scale with a ton of insulin on board. He didn’t mind it really. He got to eat sweets with an almost reckless abandon.
Add life to all that and sometimes it seems almost unbearable. Holden will be graduating in a few short weeks. He just signed a lease on an apartment. We’re in the midst of filling out a ton of scholarships so he can afford to even go to school. We’ve pretty much got tuition paid for but have to worry about paying for books, food, and shelter. Next week we will be addressing and sending out graduation invitations.
All the things going on with Holden are not all bad. It’s kind of bitter-sweet. Graduation is the ending of a big chapter of his life. But, college is the beginning of another great chapter. Still, it’s a little stressful to say the least.
Add to that the irate parent that I have to deal with at school. While the higher-ups in my school system say they are on my side they haven’t really done anything to protect me from this parent. I sit in my office on edge just waiting for her to show up and wreak havoc. That is not a pleasant work situation to say the least.
Then, there is the economy. That is affecting everyone. We found out yesterday that effective immediately all NC state employees will be getting a reduction in pay for May and June. Michael and I both work for the state so both of our paychecks are affected. Also, I’m working in a state grant position. It’s unlikely with the current state of the economy that more money will be poured into that grant next year. So, I’m not even sure I’ll have a job next school year. And, with the irate parent situation I’m not even sure I’ll want it anyway.
So, yeah, life is tough. I can handle that. It’s the diabetes part that throws me for a loop. This disease that makes my child sick even though he appears healthy. The disease that causes him to appear different even though he’s really the same as everyone else. The disease that affects his moods (and mine).
Last night as I was getting things ready before bed I turned to Michael and said, “I wonder if diabetes had never entered our life, if all of the other stressors in my life wouldn’t bother me so much.”
Diabetes takes life and sharpens the edges. It takes the pain of life and compounds it, amplifies it. But, what do you do about it? Where is my mind over matter mentality when it comes to this disease?
Right now I’m struggling to find peace with this disease. It’s strange. I don’t really think about diabetes nearly as much as I used to. But, it seems to affect me more. It’s like it really has become a part of my being, my demeanor, my soul. And I don’t know how to change that.
I'm usually a pretty easy going person. I'm usually content with whatever is going on around me. I learned early on in life that it's much easier to just go with the flow and wait for the calm instead of trying to tame a raging river.
Then Type 1 diabetes entered my life, not my body, but my life via my three year old child. And, not to sound dramatic or anything, but the moment he was diagnosed my world as I knew it changed drastically. My life has not been the same since October 6, 2005. And, never will be again, I’m afraid.
It’s taken 3 ½ years but diabetes has finally worn me down. It’s chipped away at my once pristine veneer and has left vulnerable parts of me exposed, mostly my heart but also my mind and sometimes I think it’s reached my soul. It’s put several chinks in my armor, enough that I feel exposed and vulnerable to attacks.
Three and a half years ago if you would have asked me if I was strong I would say yes without missing a beat. Now, I’d say the exact opposite in the same manor. At least, I don’t feel strong anymore. I feel like I’ve been pounded over and over again until I’m too weak to even raise my hands to defend myself. It’s just easier to let the blows hit me square in the face.
It’s not just diabetes that makes me feel this way. It’s life in general. Life is tough. But, life has always been tough. I had Holden when I was 17. I graduated high school and went on to college. I made it through nursing school (which is grueling) while commuting 2 hours every day, working part time, and raising a toddler. Those were some tough times, but also some of the happiest times of my life.
I graduated from nursing school, found a job, and moved out of my parent’s house and on my own. Right around that same time I met Michael. We started seeing each other and 3 years later got married. Two years after that we had Riley. Life was good. It wasn’t necessarily easy, but it was good.
Diabetes has its ups and downs like always. Riley’s sugars are back and forth. I’m logging and making basal changes at least once a week. Yesterday he hit 496 on his meter while at school. Then, last night after his site change we chased an impending low for a couple of hours. He never actually went low but was just on the low end of the scale with a ton of insulin on board. He didn’t mind it really. He got to eat sweets with an almost reckless abandon.
Add life to all that and sometimes it seems almost unbearable. Holden will be graduating in a few short weeks. He just signed a lease on an apartment. We’re in the midst of filling out a ton of scholarships so he can afford to even go to school. We’ve pretty much got tuition paid for but have to worry about paying for books, food, and shelter. Next week we will be addressing and sending out graduation invitations.
All the things going on with Holden are not all bad. It’s kind of bitter-sweet. Graduation is the ending of a big chapter of his life. But, college is the beginning of another great chapter. Still, it’s a little stressful to say the least.
Add to that the irate parent that I have to deal with at school. While the higher-ups in my school system say they are on my side they haven’t really done anything to protect me from this parent. I sit in my office on edge just waiting for her to show up and wreak havoc. That is not a pleasant work situation to say the least.
Then, there is the economy. That is affecting everyone. We found out yesterday that effective immediately all NC state employees will be getting a reduction in pay for May and June. Michael and I both work for the state so both of our paychecks are affected. Also, I’m working in a state grant position. It’s unlikely with the current state of the economy that more money will be poured into that grant next year. So, I’m not even sure I’ll have a job next school year. And, with the irate parent situation I’m not even sure I’ll want it anyway.
So, yeah, life is tough. I can handle that. It’s the diabetes part that throws me for a loop. This disease that makes my child sick even though he appears healthy. The disease that causes him to appear different even though he’s really the same as everyone else. The disease that affects his moods (and mine).
Last night as I was getting things ready before bed I turned to Michael and said, “I wonder if diabetes had never entered our life, if all of the other stressors in my life wouldn’t bother me so much.”
Diabetes takes life and sharpens the edges. It takes the pain of life and compounds it, amplifies it. But, what do you do about it? Where is my mind over matter mentality when it comes to this disease?
Right now I’m struggling to find peace with this disease. It’s strange. I don’t really think about diabetes nearly as much as I used to. But, it seems to affect me more. It’s like it really has become a part of my being, my demeanor, my soul. And I don’t know how to change that.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I am Blessed
Two weeks ago, on Good Friday, a 7 year old boy in my town was killed in an ATV accident. Even though I am not a fan of 4 wheelers and my kids are not allowed on them because I think they are dangerous, from what I understand it was a pretty freak accident. The boy's dad was following him in his truck and the boy was wearing a helmet. It seems things happened just right to cause his death.
His death hit me pretty hard. I didn't really know the little boy. He was in 2nd grade at Riley's school and I'd seen him before because he played soccer in the same league as Riley. But, I've known his dad for 30 years. We went to elementary school together. We were never good friends or anything. But, we still live in the same small town and he always goes out of his way to speak to me whenever he sees me. He's one of those people who seem to always have a smile on his face.
Riley had a soccer game tonight. The little boy who was killed, Henry, has a little sister that plays soccer. Tonight all of the kids wore a black ribbon in memory of him. His parents were there along with his 4 sisters. I sat and watched all of them and a lump formed in my throat.
I am in awe of what a person can endure. I know how hard this must be for them. Yet, they were there smiling and watching their daughter play soccer. They go on with their life, not because they want to, but because they don't have a choice. Life goes on, even when you wish it wouldn't.
It's times like this that I feel ashamed for ever feeling sorry for myself, for ever grieving over Riley's disease. I am so blessed to have him at all. I'm sure Henry's dad would rather every single one of his children have diabetes and still have Henry with him.
If you get a chance remember the Spruill family in your prayers. And hug your kids a little tighter tonight when you tuck them into bed.
His death hit me pretty hard. I didn't really know the little boy. He was in 2nd grade at Riley's school and I'd seen him before because he played soccer in the same league as Riley. But, I've known his dad for 30 years. We went to elementary school together. We were never good friends or anything. But, we still live in the same small town and he always goes out of his way to speak to me whenever he sees me. He's one of those people who seem to always have a smile on his face.
Riley had a soccer game tonight. The little boy who was killed, Henry, has a little sister that plays soccer. Tonight all of the kids wore a black ribbon in memory of him. His parents were there along with his 4 sisters. I sat and watched all of them and a lump formed in my throat.
I am in awe of what a person can endure. I know how hard this must be for them. Yet, they were there smiling and watching their daughter play soccer. They go on with their life, not because they want to, but because they don't have a choice. Life goes on, even when you wish it wouldn't.
It's times like this that I feel ashamed for ever feeling sorry for myself, for ever grieving over Riley's disease. I am so blessed to have him at all. I'm sure Henry's dad would rather every single one of his children have diabetes and still have Henry with him.
If you get a chance remember the Spruill family in your prayers. And hug your kids a little tighter tonight when you tuck them into bed.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Random Updates
It's been a while since my last post, so I thought I'd do a little mini update:
- Holden has been counting down his senior year by Mondays. He has 4 Mondays left and then he will no longer be a high school senior, but a college freshman. Some days I think I'm ready for it and others I don't.
- Riley is on another school trip today. He's going to see another play. School trips are stressful for me. For those of you with kids with D you know why.
- I've been having a hard time at work lately. I have a disgruntled parent. She's one of those people that are unhappy no matter what. Apparently, she's always given the school nurse a hard time, but for some reason is being even worse with me. I don't want to go into details, but it makes for a very stressful work day.
- We took a mini family vacation last week to an indoor water park. I promise to post about it soon and include some pictures.
- Riley's sugars over the last couple of weeks have been great for the most part. But, for the past few nights he's run high all night and wakes up with a great sugar. One thing about having a kid with D you always know when they are growing. Riley runs high at nights when he hits a growth spurt.
- I had one of the worst if not the worst headache I've ever had last night. It started yesterday morning and kept building until my head was pounding and I thought at one point it might literally explode. Ibuprofen, Darvocet, and ice packs did nothing to dull it. I finally drifted off to sleep last night and when I woke up it was gone. But, now I'm getting another dull ache in my head. I'm hoping the Ibuprofen I took will head it off before it's gets much worse.
- I just re-read my first update and started to cry. I guess I'm not ready.
- The pollen here is CRAZY. It's always bad, but this year the trees have gone crazy with their reproduction. I think this coupled with the stress at work created my super headache last night. I'm trying to get Riley through pollen season without any real asthma problems. So far, so good.
- At some point a few nights ago Riley screamed that he hated diabetes. (He couldn't have a snack until his sugar came down some. He was in the 300s). All I could do was hug him and let him know that I hated diabetes too. I also whispered in his ear that if I could take his diabetes away and give it to me I would.
- Last, but not least here are some prom pictures. I did OK at prom. I went to take pictures and Michael had to almost literally drag me out the door to get me to leave. The tears started before we ever got out of the parking lot. Man, I'm going to miss that boy next year.
Holden and Brittaney (as of Thursday they will have been dating for 3 years)
My baby
Me and my baby
Monday, April 06, 2009
Memory Mondays: Dec. 31, 2005
It was strange going back and reading this post and thinking about life prior to Riley getting diagnosed with diabetes. And, somehow it didn't make me sad like it used to.
Some(most)times I forget that there ever was a life prior to Riley having diabetes.
Something that stood out to me when I read this post was the part in July when I wrote about the awesome vacation we took to the mountains. I remember not long after Riley was diagnosed I was thinking that I was so glad we took that vacation when we did. I thought it would be impossible with D to take a vacation like that again.
Now, I'm glad to know that it is not impossible. It may be a little harder, but it's certainly doable. Actually, we have a nice little get away planned over Easter break. I am really looking forward to it.
And, now that I'm writing this I just realized that in all the planning for the trip I didn't think about how we would fit his diabetes into it at all.
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What A Difference A Year Makes
Since this is the last day of 2005, I thought I'd reflect on the past year and see what happened. I keep all my calendars. I have calendars of when I was in college. I could tell you what test I had on what days. I don't keep a journal or diary, so my calendar is how I remember things. So, I took my 2005 calendar to see what some of the highlights were.
January was filled with basketball games for Holden. Riley also had a Dr's appointment with the orthopedic Dr. You see, he fell in December and broke his leg. It just happened to be the morning after I had surgery. So, I spent my first day post-op carting him around to the Dr. and to get xrays and then to get a cast. Luckily, my husband had taken the day off to help care for me. He did the driving. So, I was able to pop a Percocet every now and then. Man, I thought I had it rough then. Didn't know what was lurking in October for us though. Anyway, got a little off target with that. I attended a funeral of one of my patients and also the funeral of a very nice older man in my church.
February brought more basketball games. We hosted a Super Bowl party for our church youth. Holden turned 14. On Valentine's Day, I was at church helping to host a spaghetti supper and bingo night for the senior citizens. My Granny's birthday was celebrated also. We celebrated with supper at my mom's house. Also, remembered the one year anniversary of Big Mama's death.
March brought my 5th wedding anniversary. It was spent in Greensboro with the youth of our church. We took them to Acquire the Fire that weekend. It was wonderful. I really learned a lot that weekend and became closer to God than I have ever been. I feel like my experiences that weekend helped me with what was to come later on in the year. Even though we were there on our anniversary, it was still nice. The youth and other chaperons arranged rooms so that Michael and I were alone at night anyway. I kind of enjoyed spending that time with the youth at church. I really do love all of them and feel like they are in some ways my other sons and daughters. My cousin's son,Cam, turned 4 in March. Easter was in March. Easter is my favorite holiday. Holden joined church during our Easter Revival. March 23rd is his re-birthday. Holden's baseball games started. Yes, baseball in the freezing cold.
April brought Michael's birthday. Baseball games continued.
In May,Holden was baptized amid family and friends. May was also Riley's 3rd birthday. We had a small family party. Two days later, I had my parents, in-laws, and Granny over for a mother's day supper. May also brought another broken bone. This time Riley tripped while we were fishing and broke his clavicle. Every time we ride past that spot now he says," That's where I broke my cravicle!" The school's athletic banquet was in May. Holden received a trophy for MVP in basketball. There was also an academic award ceremony in May in which Holden received recognition also. Holden's school baseball ended only to bring in playing baseball at the ball park every Friday and Saturday night. Man, what am I going to do when my kids are gone? School ended for Holden.
In June there were more Friday and Saturday night ballgames. My husband applied for and was accepted to graduate school. Holden attended basketball camp. We had our annual Warren family reunion. This is my Granny's side of the family. She is one of 12 children. God bless Grandma Warren!
In July, Holden made All stars and we traveled to Kill Devil Hills for games. At one of these games Riley spiked a temp. up to 103. With no warning, all of a sudden, he just didn't feel well. He had no other symptoms, just a fever. It came down after Tylenol and Motrin and never came back. I suspect now that was what ultimately caused the demise of his beta cells. I want to cry right now thinking about it. Michael and I joined a church softball league. Luckily, their games didn't start until after Holden's were through. We also took a family vacation to the mountains of NC. It was the best vacation we ever had. We enjoyed sliding down sliding rock. Even Riley went down it with Michael. We hiked to a water fall. We started the trip by going to Charlotte for my brother-in-law, Timmy's ,wedding. We came back just in time to do Vacation Bible School with the youth.
In August we threw a going away party for one of our church youth that was headed off to college. The boys and I spent a day at Water Country in VA. It was fun. Riley went down every slide that we did. Maybe I really do need to look into a waterproof pump, huh? I forgot, we also joined a beach club during the summer and spent many a lazy day on the Chowan river. We also continued with the softball games. Holden started his first day of high school. I cried after I got home. I couldn't help myself.
In September we finished up the softball games. My dad had a birthday. As did my mother-in-law and father-in-law. I bought a new car. I traded in my gas guzzling mini van for a Pontiac Vibe. I absolutely love it. My dad had surgery. My nephew, David, turned 4.
Well, October brought in the bad stuff. On October 6th, Riley was diagnosed with diabetes. Evey thing seems to be a blur after that. We had fall revival at church. I went up to the alter every night and cried my eyes out begging for God to heal Riley. I went to the OB-GYN a week after Riley's diagnosis for my check-up only to find that I had yet another cyst. Luckily, this one went away on it's own. I think I willed it to. I just couldn't go through another surgery right then. Riley celebrated his first diabetic Halloween. I cried, just like I cried about just about everything back then.
I had my birthday in November. I didn't really feel like celebrating. We went to my mom' s and had my favorite meal, BBQ'd pork chops, french fries, and pineapple cake. Riley had his first taste of cake since diagnosis. His sugars did fine, but my nerves didn't. November started up basketball again. We had to learn how to feed Riley around basketball games. So far, so good. We survived Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful meal at Granny's house. Michael decided to hold off on grad. school for now, for financial reasons beyond our control. (aka: insulin, syringes, strips, you get the picture)
Well, that brings us to December. Michael made an "A" in the grad. class that he was taking. My mom's birthday came and I cooked a meal for her. Riley once again indulged in some cake without really affecting his sugars. My cousin's daughter, Jewel, turned 2. The weekend of her party was really the only time I had to go shopping so I missed it. But, my mom went and took Riley with her. I'm told that a boy at the party asked Riley why he wasn't eating any cake to which he replied. "I can't have cake. I have diabetes." Riley had his first endo. appointment with an A1C of 7.9. He had a second one with an A1C of 7.8. and the OK to try the pump. :-) Basketball continued. We had a youth lock-in at church. Riley spent the night with my mom and somehow the world didn't end like I thought it would. We had a very nice Christmas, bouncing from house to house. We started at Aunt Judy's, then, my parents, on to church, then, Aunt Linda's, then, my in-law's. Riley's sugars were pretty bad, but we got them straight eventually.
So sorry to have bored you with all of this. I really doubt anyone will read it all. But, it has really helped me to see what a great life I have. And, that greatness didn't end when Riley was diagnosed. I can't wait to see what 2006 brings.
I wish all of you a very safe, happy, and truly blessed New Year's.
Some(most)times I forget that there ever was a life prior to Riley having diabetes.
Something that stood out to me when I read this post was the part in July when I wrote about the awesome vacation we took to the mountains. I remember not long after Riley was diagnosed I was thinking that I was so glad we took that vacation when we did. I thought it would be impossible with D to take a vacation like that again.
Now, I'm glad to know that it is not impossible. It may be a little harder, but it's certainly doable. Actually, we have a nice little get away planned over Easter break. I am really looking forward to it.
And, now that I'm writing this I just realized that in all the planning for the trip I didn't think about how we would fit his diabetes into it at all.
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What A Difference A Year Makes
Since this is the last day of 2005, I thought I'd reflect on the past year and see what happened. I keep all my calendars. I have calendars of when I was in college. I could tell you what test I had on what days. I don't keep a journal or diary, so my calendar is how I remember things. So, I took my 2005 calendar to see what some of the highlights were.
January was filled with basketball games for Holden. Riley also had a Dr's appointment with the orthopedic Dr. You see, he fell in December and broke his leg. It just happened to be the morning after I had surgery. So, I spent my first day post-op carting him around to the Dr. and to get xrays and then to get a cast. Luckily, my husband had taken the day off to help care for me. He did the driving. So, I was able to pop a Percocet every now and then. Man, I thought I had it rough then. Didn't know what was lurking in October for us though. Anyway, got a little off target with that. I attended a funeral of one of my patients and also the funeral of a very nice older man in my church.
February brought more basketball games. We hosted a Super Bowl party for our church youth. Holden turned 14. On Valentine's Day, I was at church helping to host a spaghetti supper and bingo night for the senior citizens. My Granny's birthday was celebrated also. We celebrated with supper at my mom's house. Also, remembered the one year anniversary of Big Mama's death.
March brought my 5th wedding anniversary. It was spent in Greensboro with the youth of our church. We took them to Acquire the Fire that weekend. It was wonderful. I really learned a lot that weekend and became closer to God than I have ever been. I feel like my experiences that weekend helped me with what was to come later on in the year. Even though we were there on our anniversary, it was still nice. The youth and other chaperons arranged rooms so that Michael and I were alone at night anyway. I kind of enjoyed spending that time with the youth at church. I really do love all of them and feel like they are in some ways my other sons and daughters. My cousin's son,Cam, turned 4 in March. Easter was in March. Easter is my favorite holiday. Holden joined church during our Easter Revival. March 23rd is his re-birthday. Holden's baseball games started. Yes, baseball in the freezing cold.
April brought Michael's birthday. Baseball games continued.
In May,Holden was baptized amid family and friends. May was also Riley's 3rd birthday. We had a small family party. Two days later, I had my parents, in-laws, and Granny over for a mother's day supper. May also brought another broken bone. This time Riley tripped while we were fishing and broke his clavicle. Every time we ride past that spot now he says," That's where I broke my cravicle!" The school's athletic banquet was in May. Holden received a trophy for MVP in basketball. There was also an academic award ceremony in May in which Holden received recognition also. Holden's school baseball ended only to bring in playing baseball at the ball park every Friday and Saturday night. Man, what am I going to do when my kids are gone? School ended for Holden.
In June there were more Friday and Saturday night ballgames. My husband applied for and was accepted to graduate school. Holden attended basketball camp. We had our annual Warren family reunion. This is my Granny's side of the family. She is one of 12 children. God bless Grandma Warren!
In July, Holden made All stars and we traveled to Kill Devil Hills for games. At one of these games Riley spiked a temp. up to 103. With no warning, all of a sudden, he just didn't feel well. He had no other symptoms, just a fever. It came down after Tylenol and Motrin and never came back. I suspect now that was what ultimately caused the demise of his beta cells. I want to cry right now thinking about it. Michael and I joined a church softball league. Luckily, their games didn't start until after Holden's were through. We also took a family vacation to the mountains of NC. It was the best vacation we ever had. We enjoyed sliding down sliding rock. Even Riley went down it with Michael. We hiked to a water fall. We started the trip by going to Charlotte for my brother-in-law, Timmy's ,wedding. We came back just in time to do Vacation Bible School with the youth.
In August we threw a going away party for one of our church youth that was headed off to college. The boys and I spent a day at Water Country in VA. It was fun. Riley went down every slide that we did. Maybe I really do need to look into a waterproof pump, huh? I forgot, we also joined a beach club during the summer and spent many a lazy day on the Chowan river. We also continued with the softball games. Holden started his first day of high school. I cried after I got home. I couldn't help myself.
In September we finished up the softball games. My dad had a birthday. As did my mother-in-law and father-in-law. I bought a new car. I traded in my gas guzzling mini van for a Pontiac Vibe. I absolutely love it. My dad had surgery. My nephew, David, turned 4.
Well, October brought in the bad stuff. On October 6th, Riley was diagnosed with diabetes. Evey thing seems to be a blur after that. We had fall revival at church. I went up to the alter every night and cried my eyes out begging for God to heal Riley. I went to the OB-GYN a week after Riley's diagnosis for my check-up only to find that I had yet another cyst. Luckily, this one went away on it's own. I think I willed it to. I just couldn't go through another surgery right then. Riley celebrated his first diabetic Halloween. I cried, just like I cried about just about everything back then.
I had my birthday in November. I didn't really feel like celebrating. We went to my mom' s and had my favorite meal, BBQ'd pork chops, french fries, and pineapple cake. Riley had his first taste of cake since diagnosis. His sugars did fine, but my nerves didn't. November started up basketball again. We had to learn how to feed Riley around basketball games. So far, so good. We survived Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful meal at Granny's house. Michael decided to hold off on grad. school for now, for financial reasons beyond our control. (aka: insulin, syringes, strips, you get the picture)
Well, that brings us to December. Michael made an "A" in the grad. class that he was taking. My mom's birthday came and I cooked a meal for her. Riley once again indulged in some cake without really affecting his sugars. My cousin's daughter, Jewel, turned 2. The weekend of her party was really the only time I had to go shopping so I missed it. But, my mom went and took Riley with her. I'm told that a boy at the party asked Riley why he wasn't eating any cake to which he replied. "I can't have cake. I have diabetes." Riley had his first endo. appointment with an A1C of 7.9. He had a second one with an A1C of 7.8. and the OK to try the pump. :-) Basketball continued. We had a youth lock-in at church. Riley spent the night with my mom and somehow the world didn't end like I thought it would. We had a very nice Christmas, bouncing from house to house. We started at Aunt Judy's, then, my parents, on to church, then, Aunt Linda's, then, my in-law's. Riley's sugars were pretty bad, but we got them straight eventually.
So sorry to have bored you with all of this. I really doubt anyone will read it all. But, it has really helped me to see what a great life I have. And, that greatness didn't end when Riley was diagnosed. I can't wait to see what 2006 brings.
I wish all of you a very safe, happy, and truly blessed New Year's.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
How to Protect the Pump?
Riley is getting ready to start baseball. This will be his first year playing with a real baseball. Prior to this year he was playing T ball and they used a soft, spongy ball.
Since Riley does better when his insulin delivery is not interrupted, I really want him to wear his pump while he plays. But, every time I think about that hard baseball accidentally hitting his pump, I cringe.
So, does your child wear their pump while they play sports? If so, how do you protect it?
Riley wears an Animas 1250. I've looked at Animas' web site and do not see a protective cover for the pump. Any ideas?
Since Riley does better when his insulin delivery is not interrupted, I really want him to wear his pump while he plays. But, every time I think about that hard baseball accidentally hitting his pump, I cringe.
So, does your child wear their pump while they play sports? If so, how do you protect it?
Riley wears an Animas 1250. I've looked at Animas' web site and do not see a protective cover for the pump. Any ideas?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Memory Mondays: Dec. 6, 2005
I had to smile when I read this post. Ahhh, how naive I was back then to think that when I gave insulin Riley's sugar would always go down.
And, 1/2 unit of insulin per 45g carb? Holy cow, how did I do that? Riley barely eats 45g carb per meal now.
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The Science Experiment
Anyone else out there feel like your child or you are a science experiment? I just am still uncomfortable with trying a new dose to see what it does. I know the only way to know if something will work is to try it, but sometimes I feel like a mad scientist (emphasis on the mad).
Riley's sugars had been running a little high after he ate, so I figured it was time to adjust his carb ratio. So, instead of 1/2 unit per 45g, I went to 1/2 per 30g. Well, yesterday his sugar at lunch was 80. He ate 35g carbs, so he got 1/2 unit NovoLog. Well, a little over an hour later, it was 375. Now how did that happen? I'm wondering if his sugar dropped low and he rebounded. I just can't see how it could jump so high so quickly and he had taken insulin. Then, at supper that same night, it was 173. He ate 45g carbs (including regular cake for my mom's birthday party). Well, he got 1/2 unit for that and 2 hours later it was 78. So what's the deal? I think his pancreas is just screwing with me.
Then, the only way I can keep his sugar from dropping too low during the night is to give him regular pudding before bed, but that tends to shoot his sugar up. Last night when his sugar was 78 he had pudding and at bedtime it was 243. So, what do I do? I don't like his sugar dropping into the 50s and 60s, but I don't like them in the 200s either. We've tried different things for his nighttime snack (including corn starch) but the pudding seems to work the best to keep his sugars up. How do I decide which is the lesser of two evils?
OK, I'm going to get back to my science experiment. But, on the bright side, science was always my best subject.
And, 1/2 unit of insulin per 45g carb? Holy cow, how did I do that? Riley barely eats 45g carb per meal now.
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The Science Experiment
Anyone else out there feel like your child or you are a science experiment? I just am still uncomfortable with trying a new dose to see what it does. I know the only way to know if something will work is to try it, but sometimes I feel like a mad scientist (emphasis on the mad).
Riley's sugars had been running a little high after he ate, so I figured it was time to adjust his carb ratio. So, instead of 1/2 unit per 45g, I went to 1/2 per 30g. Well, yesterday his sugar at lunch was 80. He ate 35g carbs, so he got 1/2 unit NovoLog. Well, a little over an hour later, it was 375. Now how did that happen? I'm wondering if his sugar dropped low and he rebounded. I just can't see how it could jump so high so quickly and he had taken insulin. Then, at supper that same night, it was 173. He ate 45g carbs (including regular cake for my mom's birthday party). Well, he got 1/2 unit for that and 2 hours later it was 78. So what's the deal? I think his pancreas is just screwing with me.
Then, the only way I can keep his sugar from dropping too low during the night is to give him regular pudding before bed, but that tends to shoot his sugar up. Last night when his sugar was 78 he had pudding and at bedtime it was 243. So, what do I do? I don't like his sugar dropping into the 50s and 60s, but I don't like them in the 200s either. We've tried different things for his nighttime snack (including corn starch) but the pudding seems to work the best to keep his sugars up. How do I decide which is the lesser of two evils?
OK, I'm going to get back to my science experiment. But, on the bright side, science was always my best subject.
Friday, March 27, 2009
TGIF (updates)
- Riley had a filed trip yesterday. He was so excited. He loves getting to ride on the bus. The problem is that when Riley gets excited he tends to go low. He went to see a play. The night before the trip I set a basal just for the field trip. His eating schedule was going to be all screwed up. He usually eats lunch at 11:15 and snack at 2:15. But, because of the timing of the trip he ate a snack at 9:15 and didn't have lunch until almost 2:00. He did OK except for a couple of lows. When they arrived at the play he clocked in at 47. It was brought right back up by juice. Then, on the bus ride back he went in the 60s once and then hovered in the lower 80s until he had lunch. All in all, I'd say it was a success. The trip has been looming in my mind for over a week now. I'm glad it's behind us and that everything worked out OK. I didn't go with him for three reasons: 1) His teacher cares for his D every day and I knew she'd do OK with it. 2) I didn't want Riley to be the only one with a parent going. 3) The play was held in the same city where Michael works. I knew if anything major happened he'd be near-by to take care of it.
- Holden's prom is tonight. It was all I could do last night when he dressed up in his tux not to cry. He looked so handsome and grown up. He will be heading to beach after the prom to spend a couple of nights with friends (and one friend's parents). I told Michael it will be a preview of what life will be like in a few months when he goes away to college. It's been a very long time since Holden spent a night away from home, let alone 2 nights in a row.
- Riley's overnight sugars were excellent. Those sugars have been the hardest to wrangle in lately. He was 186 when Michael and I went to bed. He got a tiny .15 correction and the rest of his sugars were wonderful. He woke up with a sugar of 89 this morning. You gotta celebrate the small things, you know.
- My favorite season is just around the corner. I love spring. I can't wait for it to warm up here and stay that way. We've had a few nice, warm days and then it will cool back down again. And, spring break is only 13 days away!!!! Michael and I will both be off of work and both of the kids will be out of school. I can't wait.
- It was brought to my attention by a reader (hi Chris) that his daughter had noticed that Riley did not have a medical alert bracelet on in any of his pictures. Riley has had a couple of bracelets and a necklace over the last few years, but I've never been really strict about him wearing them. I guess because for the first couple of years he was hardly ever away from us. I started researching what jewelery other kids were wearing. I found Riley's old necklace. It's a little dog with a medical alert symbol on it. I made him start wearing it all the time. Holden wears some sort of necklace every day, either his purity rings or my dad's dog tags from Vietnam. So, Riley decided it was cool to wear a necklace because big brother Holden wears one. He did OK for the first few days, but then kept asking to take it off. I wouldn't let him. He's been wearing it for a couple of weeks now and doesn't seem to notice it at all anymore. And, I feel better, especially when he goes on trips like he did yesterday.
- Next Saturday we will attend open house at the college that Holden will be attending. It will kind of be like a homecoming of sorts. Michael and I both attended college there. We will be looking at apartments that day also. It's just bringing us one step closer to Holden leaving home. sigh......
- I haven't mentioned my dad in a while. Regular readers may remember that he was diagnosed with throat cancer back in August. Well he went through several weeks of chemo and radiation, several rough weeks which included a hospital stay, but now he's good. The treatments worked. He has no sign of cancer anywhere in his body now. Thank all of you for your prayers.
- I guess that's it for now. I hope each of you have a wonderful and safe weekend.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Keeping a Positive Attitude
I wrote in my post yesterday that I am going to chose to have a positive attitude. I have been doing that. But, on my ride into work this morning I was thinking how much easier it makes it to have a positive attitude when Riley’s sugars are doing well.
His sugars have been much better the last few days. I’ve been making basal adjustments at least weekly and have gotten his sugars reigned in for the most part. The only time he’s going high consistently is right after bedtime. I adjusted his basal a bit last night as well as his nighttime carb coverage. He’s also been going on the low side around 3 in the morning, so I’ll adjust again tonight to account for that.
I’m thinking my positive attitude comes from the good numbers. And, a good, long cry I had a few nights ago. I had felt it building up but had been trying to push it aside. Even though I know sometimes it helps to just let everything out, I hate to cry. I don’t think it’s a sign of weakness, but maybe a sign of defeat. When diabetes gets me down enough to cry, I feel like somehow it’s won.
Thursday night, I couldn’t contain it anymore. Riley started complaining of an ear ache. He was crying and holding his ear and he had a temperature. I knew he had yet another ear infection, his 3rd in 5 weeks. I gave him Tylenol for the pain and I had him lie with his ear on a heating pad. It didn’t help. He continued to scream out and hold his ear in pain. A couple of hours after the Tylenol I gave him Ibuprofen. After a while that seemed to help.
Michael and I sat in the floor with him and played several games of Sorry Sliders. Then, it was off to bed. A quick check of his sugar showed he was soaring in the 300s. I increased his basal like I do whenever he has some sort of infection and administered insulin as well as his nightly inhaler. All the while I was holding back tears. I refused to cry.
I tucked Riley into bed. As I sat on the couch thinking about having to call the doctor in the morning, I started to cry. It was soft at first. I quietly slipped out of the living room and went into the bathroom. That’s where I do most of my crying.
I sat in there and cried and prayed. I cried from deep within my soul, crying like I hadn’t done in a very long time.
I felt defeated and helpless. Riley has had so many infections and sicknesses over the past several weeks that it makes basal adjustments hard to do. You have to have a few “normal” days of sugars to adjust, but with all his sickness it was rare for him to have several normal days in a row.
In addition to defeat and helplessness I felt guilt, lots and lots of guilt. I felt guilty that I wasn’t doing enough to fight Riley’s diabetes. I felt guilty that he ended up with diabetes in the first place. I felt guilty that it wasn’t me instead of him. I felt guilty that I hated a disease that was part of my son. I felt guilty that I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore.
My head knew that I didn’t give Riley diabetes. My head knew that I have been working very hard to care for Riley. My head knew that I would take it away from him and give it to myself if I could. My head knew that I could take care of him; I didn’t really have a choice.
But, my heart was a whole other matter. My heart didn’t care what my head thought.
I sat in the bathroom long enough that Michael eventually came to check on me. When he asked if he could come in I told him no. I needed to be alone for a while. He came back several times to see if I needed anything. He was very sweet and understanding.
I finally emerged from the bathroom. Thankfully, Riley was asleep and Holden was at work, so they didn’t have to know about any of it. I let a few more tears out before the night was over. By the time Holden got home from work I was done with the pity party and ready to move on.
Riley went to the doctor on Friday and was diagnosed with a “nasty ear infection”. He is on his third antibiotic in 5 weeks. His sugars started to come down by Sunday and I was able to get rid of his temp basal. His sugars for the last two days have been the best they’ve been in a while.
My positive attitude is still there for now. I am going to try very hard to keep a positive attitude even when things are not going well.
I hope I have a while before I have to find out how I do with that.
His sugars have been much better the last few days. I’ve been making basal adjustments at least weekly and have gotten his sugars reigned in for the most part. The only time he’s going high consistently is right after bedtime. I adjusted his basal a bit last night as well as his nighttime carb coverage. He’s also been going on the low side around 3 in the morning, so I’ll adjust again tonight to account for that.
I’m thinking my positive attitude comes from the good numbers. And, a good, long cry I had a few nights ago. I had felt it building up but had been trying to push it aside. Even though I know sometimes it helps to just let everything out, I hate to cry. I don’t think it’s a sign of weakness, but maybe a sign of defeat. When diabetes gets me down enough to cry, I feel like somehow it’s won.
Thursday night, I couldn’t contain it anymore. Riley started complaining of an ear ache. He was crying and holding his ear and he had a temperature. I knew he had yet another ear infection, his 3rd in 5 weeks. I gave him Tylenol for the pain and I had him lie with his ear on a heating pad. It didn’t help. He continued to scream out and hold his ear in pain. A couple of hours after the Tylenol I gave him Ibuprofen. After a while that seemed to help.
Michael and I sat in the floor with him and played several games of Sorry Sliders. Then, it was off to bed. A quick check of his sugar showed he was soaring in the 300s. I increased his basal like I do whenever he has some sort of infection and administered insulin as well as his nightly inhaler. All the while I was holding back tears. I refused to cry.
I tucked Riley into bed. As I sat on the couch thinking about having to call the doctor in the morning, I started to cry. It was soft at first. I quietly slipped out of the living room and went into the bathroom. That’s where I do most of my crying.
I sat in there and cried and prayed. I cried from deep within my soul, crying like I hadn’t done in a very long time.
I felt defeated and helpless. Riley has had so many infections and sicknesses over the past several weeks that it makes basal adjustments hard to do. You have to have a few “normal” days of sugars to adjust, but with all his sickness it was rare for him to have several normal days in a row.
In addition to defeat and helplessness I felt guilt, lots and lots of guilt. I felt guilty that I wasn’t doing enough to fight Riley’s diabetes. I felt guilty that he ended up with diabetes in the first place. I felt guilty that it wasn’t me instead of him. I felt guilty that I hated a disease that was part of my son. I felt guilty that I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore.
My head knew that I didn’t give Riley diabetes. My head knew that I have been working very hard to care for Riley. My head knew that I would take it away from him and give it to myself if I could. My head knew that I could take care of him; I didn’t really have a choice.
But, my heart was a whole other matter. My heart didn’t care what my head thought.
I sat in the bathroom long enough that Michael eventually came to check on me. When he asked if he could come in I told him no. I needed to be alone for a while. He came back several times to see if I needed anything. He was very sweet and understanding.
I finally emerged from the bathroom. Thankfully, Riley was asleep and Holden was at work, so they didn’t have to know about any of it. I let a few more tears out before the night was over. By the time Holden got home from work I was done with the pity party and ready to move on.
Riley went to the doctor on Friday and was diagnosed with a “nasty ear infection”. He is on his third antibiotic in 5 weeks. His sugars started to come down by Sunday and I was able to get rid of his temp basal. His sugars for the last two days have been the best they’ve been in a while.
My positive attitude is still there for now. I am going to try very hard to keep a positive attitude even when things are not going well.
I hope I have a while before I have to find out how I do with that.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Memory Monday: Dec. 2 ,2005 (yes I know it's Tuesday)
I don't know what to say about this post. I was so happy that Riley's A1C was 7.9. Now, a 7.9 brings me to tears and makes me feel like a failure.
This post reminds me that perspective makes a huge difference. I can chose to see things as positive or I can chose to see things as negative. I've been choosing negative lately.
Today, I will chose the positive.
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The Endo. Appointment
Well, just a quick post to tell about Riley's first endo. appointment. It went very well. I didn't know what his A1C was in the hospital. I found out today that it was 9.7. Today it was 7.9!!!!! I was so excited.
For his age, the Dr. wants it between 7.5 and 8.0. The ADA recommends 7.5-8.5. So, either way he's in range and I'm very happy. Plus, he's only had D for 2 months. Since it is a 3 month average of his sugars the endo. said that he has a month in there where we didn't know he had D, so if we checked again next month, she seems to think that it would even be lower.
Overall, a good appointment. But, I didn't get the answer I wanted about the pump. They wait at least a year before they'll even discuss, then they don't really recommend it.
On the way to eat after the appointment, Riley said "I forgot to ask about the hook thing" (that's what he calls the pump because I told him he'd be hooked to it) I told him I had asked. "What did she say?" "She said you're too young." "Well, I don't like taking shots. Can we find another Dr?"
So, I will be scouring the internet for ped. endos. that are within 2 hours from here. Wish me luck. 7.9, yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!
This post reminds me that perspective makes a huge difference. I can chose to see things as positive or I can chose to see things as negative. I've been choosing negative lately.
Today, I will chose the positive.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The Endo. Appointment
Well, just a quick post to tell about Riley's first endo. appointment. It went very well. I didn't know what his A1C was in the hospital. I found out today that it was 9.7. Today it was 7.9!!!!! I was so excited.
For his age, the Dr. wants it between 7.5 and 8.0. The ADA recommends 7.5-8.5. So, either way he's in range and I'm very happy. Plus, he's only had D for 2 months. Since it is a 3 month average of his sugars the endo. said that he has a month in there where we didn't know he had D, so if we checked again next month, she seems to think that it would even be lower.
Overall, a good appointment. But, I didn't get the answer I wanted about the pump. They wait at least a year before they'll even discuss, then they don't really recommend it.
On the way to eat after the appointment, Riley said "I forgot to ask about the hook thing" (that's what he calls the pump because I told him he'd be hooked to it) I told him I had asked. "What did she say?" "She said you're too young." "Well, I don't like taking shots. Can we find another Dr?"
So, I will be scouring the internet for ped. endos. that are within 2 hours from here. Wish me luck. 7.9, yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Memory Mondays
I have decided that every (or most, let's be realistic) Mondays I am going to re-post an older post. I will start with the oldest ones and work my way forward.
I've been spending more time on Children With Diabetes lately. I spent A LOT of time up there in the first few months after Riley's diagnosis. I got a lot of good advice there. Now, I check in at the forums from time to time. It's my way of giving back. While I am by no means an expert at diabetes, I know that the 3 1/2 years of experience can help a "newbie". If nothing else I can give some encouraging words and a shoulder to cry on.
Reading the comments made from the newer parents kind of brought all the emotions flooding back for me. I went back and read some of my older posts. It brought up a lot of emotion, but it also made me realize how far we had come.
Anyway, this was originally posted on November 30, 2005 (8 weeks after Riley's diagnosis). I wrote it one night when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself.
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Somewhere A Mother Is Crying
My sweet little boy just took a shot
Somewhere a mother is crying
Sometimes he asks "Will it hurt a lot?"
Somewhere a mother is crying
We check his sugar several times a day
Somewhere a mother is crying
When his sugar is high, we go out and play
Somewhere a mother is crying
My son has diabetes and I feel sorry for myself
Somewhere a mother is crying
I worry about the long-term effects on his health
Somewhere a mother is crying
My boy is full of life
Somewhere a mother is crying
One day, I hope he has children and a wife
Somewhere a mother is crying
A mother somewhere has just lost her son
If only there was something she could have done
She learned of the cancer six months ago
Now she has had to let him go
She sobs and she grieves for the life he'll never live
She mourns because he had so much love to give
She cries because she misses him so
It was so hard letting him go
My son just came in and gave me a kiss
Somewhere a mother is crying....
I've been spending more time on Children With Diabetes lately. I spent A LOT of time up there in the first few months after Riley's diagnosis. I got a lot of good advice there. Now, I check in at the forums from time to time. It's my way of giving back. While I am by no means an expert at diabetes, I know that the 3 1/2 years of experience can help a "newbie". If nothing else I can give some encouraging words and a shoulder to cry on.
Reading the comments made from the newer parents kind of brought all the emotions flooding back for me. I went back and read some of my older posts. It brought up a lot of emotion, but it also made me realize how far we had come.
Anyway, this was originally posted on November 30, 2005 (8 weeks after Riley's diagnosis). I wrote it one night when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Somewhere A Mother Is Crying
My sweet little boy just took a shot
Somewhere a mother is crying
Sometimes he asks "Will it hurt a lot?"
Somewhere a mother is crying
We check his sugar several times a day
Somewhere a mother is crying
When his sugar is high, we go out and play
Somewhere a mother is crying
My son has diabetes and I feel sorry for myself
Somewhere a mother is crying
I worry about the long-term effects on his health
Somewhere a mother is crying
My boy is full of life
Somewhere a mother is crying
One day, I hope he has children and a wife
Somewhere a mother is crying
A mother somewhere has just lost her son
If only there was something she could have done
She learned of the cancer six months ago
Now she has had to let him go
She sobs and she grieves for the life he'll never live
She mourns because he had so much love to give
She cries because she misses him so
It was so hard letting him go
My son just came in and gave me a kiss
Somewhere a mother is crying....
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The Slap
Riley is sick again for the fourth time in about six weeks. He’s had two ear infections, a bout with asthma, and now, he’s running a fever, no other symptoms, just a fever which has made his sugars go up.
Last night he was sitting on the couch in between Michael and me. He eventually put his head in my lap. Next thing I knew he had fallen asleep. When Michael picked him up to put him into his bed he noticed he felt warm. I checked his temperature and it was 101.6. His only complaint all day had been a headache. His sugars had been good too, the best they had been in a while.
Ibuprofen brought his temperature down. The regular middle of the night sugar checks including temperature checks. He did OK until about 6:30 in the morning when it started to rise again and he got more Ibuprofen. Somehow, his sugars were perfect all night long.
That hasn’t been the case today. He’s been high all day. Right now he’s running at an increased basal to try and counter-act that.
For most other kids, being sick is no big deal. As a mother you hate to see them feel bad. You worry about them, but not like you do when diabetes is involved.
When your child with diabetes is sick, you feel more than sympathy, you feel fear. You’re on alert all the times anyway, but now you’re on high alert. Every little complaint could mean something. A tummy ache becomes a very big deal.
It is days like today that diabetes slaps me in the face, leaving my cheek reddened. It stings and I feel my eyes fill with tears. My hand flies to my face and I rub my cheek wondering why I didn’t see it coming.
I know I’ll deal with this and move on. The fever will subside and life will return to our kind of normal. Riley will have highs and lows. He may even have a few days of good sugars.
The pain comes from knowing that it won’t last. Just when I convince myself that I can handle this, that we have things under control, diabetes will reach up and slap me in the face again.
And again, and again, and again……
Last night he was sitting on the couch in between Michael and me. He eventually put his head in my lap. Next thing I knew he had fallen asleep. When Michael picked him up to put him into his bed he noticed he felt warm. I checked his temperature and it was 101.6. His only complaint all day had been a headache. His sugars had been good too, the best they had been in a while.
Ibuprofen brought his temperature down. The regular middle of the night sugar checks including temperature checks. He did OK until about 6:30 in the morning when it started to rise again and he got more Ibuprofen. Somehow, his sugars were perfect all night long.
That hasn’t been the case today. He’s been high all day. Right now he’s running at an increased basal to try and counter-act that.
For most other kids, being sick is no big deal. As a mother you hate to see them feel bad. You worry about them, but not like you do when diabetes is involved.
When your child with diabetes is sick, you feel more than sympathy, you feel fear. You’re on alert all the times anyway, but now you’re on high alert. Every little complaint could mean something. A tummy ache becomes a very big deal.
It is days like today that diabetes slaps me in the face, leaving my cheek reddened. It stings and I feel my eyes fill with tears. My hand flies to my face and I rub my cheek wondering why I didn’t see it coming.
I know I’ll deal with this and move on. The fever will subside and life will return to our kind of normal. Riley will have highs and lows. He may even have a few days of good sugars.
The pain comes from knowing that it won’t last. Just when I convince myself that I can handle this, that we have things under control, diabetes will reach up and slap me in the face again.
And again, and again, and again……
Friday, March 13, 2009
Ode to ER
When ER first started I was in nursing school. The thing to do on Friday morning before class started was to laugh about what happened on Friends and to discuss what happened on ER.
I remember the very first episode where the audience was first introduced to Noah Wyle’s character, Dr. Carter. I loved him from the very first episode and was sad to see him leave the show.
I haven’t liked every character on the show. I was never a fan of Susan Lewis. I didn’t like Dr. Weaver from day one. I was actually happy to see her leave the show. And, you couldn’t help but dislike Dr. Romano, but sometimes I found myself liking him in spite of myself. Once he got his arm (literally) chopped off I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for him. I didn’t like Archie (Dr. Morris) for a long time, but now he is one of my favorite characters currently on the show. Neela has never been one of my favorites either.
My favorite character will always be Dr. Carter. But, I also loved Dr. Greene and Doug Ross. Abby was always a favorite of mine. And, her mother was played by one of my favorite actresses, Sally Fields. Peter Benton was an awesome character. And, Jerry, the desk clerk, who couldn’t like him? I loved Dr. Pratt. Dr. Banfield is still growing on me.
I am not a big TV watcher. I have a few choice shows I watch. ER is the one show that I consistently make a point to take time to watch. I’ve been doing that for 15 years.
I particularly loved last night’s episode. Old characters have been brought back a lot this season. This started with the much loved Mark Greene. Dr. Carter just came back to the show a few episodes ago. And, last night saw the return of Dr. Benton, Carol Hathaway, and Dr. Ross.
For someone who doesn’t watch a lot of TV I guess this seems like a strange post to write. But, like I said, I’ve been watching this show for 15 years. I have come to love the show and while I know it’s time for it to end, I will be sad to see it go.
I remember the very first episode where the audience was first introduced to Noah Wyle’s character, Dr. Carter. I loved him from the very first episode and was sad to see him leave the show.
I haven’t liked every character on the show. I was never a fan of Susan Lewis. I didn’t like Dr. Weaver from day one. I was actually happy to see her leave the show. And, you couldn’t help but dislike Dr. Romano, but sometimes I found myself liking him in spite of myself. Once he got his arm (literally) chopped off I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for him. I didn’t like Archie (Dr. Morris) for a long time, but now he is one of my favorite characters currently on the show. Neela has never been one of my favorites either.
My favorite character will always be Dr. Carter. But, I also loved Dr. Greene and Doug Ross. Abby was always a favorite of mine. And, her mother was played by one of my favorite actresses, Sally Fields. Peter Benton was an awesome character. And, Jerry, the desk clerk, who couldn’t like him? I loved Dr. Pratt. Dr. Banfield is still growing on me.
I am not a big TV watcher. I have a few choice shows I watch. ER is the one show that I consistently make a point to take time to watch. I’ve been doing that for 15 years.
I particularly loved last night’s episode. Old characters have been brought back a lot this season. This started with the much loved Mark Greene. Dr. Carter just came back to the show a few episodes ago. And, last night saw the return of Dr. Benton, Carol Hathaway, and Dr. Ross.
For someone who doesn’t watch a lot of TV I guess this seems like a strange post to write. But, like I said, I’ve been watching this show for 15 years. I have come to love the show and while I know it’s time for it to end, I will be sad to see it go.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
How Do You Feel About Embryonic Stem Cell Research?
I have never gotten political on my blog. I'd like to keep it that way.
I read Amy's blog today and was appalled at the things some people will say, both those who support ESCR and those that do not.
I was just wondering how those in the diabetes community feel about it without making it into a political/religious war.
If you would like to leave a comment that's fine, but anything that is disrespectful to someone else's religion/opinion/race/whatever will be deleted.
Take my poll.
I read Amy's blog today and was appalled at the things some people will say, both those who support ESCR and those that do not.
I was just wondering how those in the diabetes community feel about it without making it into a political/religious war.
If you would like to leave a comment that's fine, but anything that is disrespectful to someone else's religion/opinion/race/whatever will be deleted.
Take my poll.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Most days diabetes doesn’t get me down too much. If Riley is really high or really low it might upset me for a bit, but once the high or low is gone I’m OK.
But, for the last several days the needle pricks and the counting of carbs have stung a little more than usual.
I think it all started on Thursday. While we were on our way to the doctor to follow up with Riley’s asthma, he’s doing great with that, by the way, Riley started talking about diabetes.
I’m not sure what started it, but at some point he said, “If I get rid of my diabetes that means I can eat whatever I want, right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“So, that means I can just eat as much as I want? I can drink real drinks too?”
“Yes, that’s what it means.”
“Wow.”
I felt my throat catch. It’s such a foreign thought to him. The idea that he can walk to the cabinet or fridge, grab whatever he wants, and eat or drink it sounds like heaven to him. It’s something that we non-D people just take for granted.
He’s mentioned diabetes a few more times since then. And each time it’s tugged at my heart.
Thursday night I made some basal adjustments. I called Riley into the room so I could remove his pump to reprogram it.
As I was reaching into his pocket to pull out his pump he stated, in a very stern voice, “I hate diabetes!”
“Me too, son.” Then, I gave him a great big hug.
And, that adds to the pain. All I can do is hug him when he feels this way, listen to him vent his frustrations. I know hugs and listening to him are important, but it doesn’t change anything.
He still has diabetes. He still has restrictions on his eating. I know we say “People with diabetes can eat just like everyone else.” I’m not sure why we say it. We all know it’s not true.
That’s something I struggle with too. He’s a growing boy, I want to just let him eat and eat whenever he wants. But, it’s not as easy as it sounds.
One night this week I was on the couch. I had been eating some mixed nuts. Riley saw the container and asked for “one”. Yes, just one. I know nuts don’t have many carbs in them. But, he only asked for one because he knows he can’t just reach into anything and grab a handful and walk away.
My throat caught and my heart ached again. This time I almost cried. I grabbed him and hugged him and told him I was sorry that he has diabetes.
Maybe it wasn’t the best the best thing to say. But, I said it, because I meant it.
Usually it’s the highs and lows that alter my moods. But, sometimes it’s just the plain old day in day out stuff that comes along with the disease.
And, because that “stuff” happens to my son instead of me, sometimes it’s almost unbearable.
But, for the last several days the needle pricks and the counting of carbs have stung a little more than usual.
I think it all started on Thursday. While we were on our way to the doctor to follow up with Riley’s asthma, he’s doing great with that, by the way, Riley started talking about diabetes.
I’m not sure what started it, but at some point he said, “If I get rid of my diabetes that means I can eat whatever I want, right?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“So, that means I can just eat as much as I want? I can drink real drinks too?”
“Yes, that’s what it means.”
“Wow.”
I felt my throat catch. It’s such a foreign thought to him. The idea that he can walk to the cabinet or fridge, grab whatever he wants, and eat or drink it sounds like heaven to him. It’s something that we non-D people just take for granted.
He’s mentioned diabetes a few more times since then. And each time it’s tugged at my heart.
Thursday night I made some basal adjustments. I called Riley into the room so I could remove his pump to reprogram it.
As I was reaching into his pocket to pull out his pump he stated, in a very stern voice, “I hate diabetes!”
“Me too, son.” Then, I gave him a great big hug.
And, that adds to the pain. All I can do is hug him when he feels this way, listen to him vent his frustrations. I know hugs and listening to him are important, but it doesn’t change anything.
He still has diabetes. He still has restrictions on his eating. I know we say “People with diabetes can eat just like everyone else.” I’m not sure why we say it. We all know it’s not true.
That’s something I struggle with too. He’s a growing boy, I want to just let him eat and eat whenever he wants. But, it’s not as easy as it sounds.
One night this week I was on the couch. I had been eating some mixed nuts. Riley saw the container and asked for “one”. Yes, just one. I know nuts don’t have many carbs in them. But, he only asked for one because he knows he can’t just reach into anything and grab a handful and walk away.
My throat caught and my heart ached again. This time I almost cried. I grabbed him and hugged him and told him I was sorry that he has diabetes.
Maybe it wasn’t the best the best thing to say. But, I said it, because I meant it.
Usually it’s the highs and lows that alter my moods. But, sometimes it’s just the plain old day in day out stuff that comes along with the disease.
And, because that “stuff” happens to my son instead of me, sometimes it’s almost unbearable.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Why I Love the Pump
1. Being able to accurately dose tiny amounts of insulin.
2. Riley can eat his meal and then if he wants something else after he's already had insulin all we have to do is program it in the pump and give the insulin, no extra injection needed.
3. 2-3 needle pokes per week compared to 28-35.
4. Being able to adjust insulin levels at certain times of the day. (Riley has 7 different basal patterns in one day.) He ALWAYS went low at night on Lantus no matter what we did, corn starch, large snack, split dose, nothing worked. With the pump I can decrease his insulin at night and it works very nicely.
5. Temp. basals: I absolutely love temp basals. They make life so much easier. We mainly use them at night, if Riley is lower than I like (but still in range) I can just decrease his basal for a couple of hours and most times it takes care of it. There is no need to wake him to drink juice or eat fruit snacks (as long as he's not low, low). Temp. basals are also very handy for sports or other increase in activity.
6. Having a happier healthier Riley.
7. Having a happier mom (me).
Riley started on the pump exactly 3 years ago today. I hate that he needs it in the first place, but am so grateful that he was able to get it so early on in his diagnosis. Life is never easy when it comes to diabetes, but the pump makes it easier.
2. Riley can eat his meal and then if he wants something else after he's already had insulin all we have to do is program it in the pump and give the insulin, no extra injection needed.
3. 2-3 needle pokes per week compared to 28-35.
4. Being able to adjust insulin levels at certain times of the day. (Riley has 7 different basal patterns in one day.) He ALWAYS went low at night on Lantus no matter what we did, corn starch, large snack, split dose, nothing worked. With the pump I can decrease his insulin at night and it works very nicely.
5. Temp. basals: I absolutely love temp basals. They make life so much easier. We mainly use them at night, if Riley is lower than I like (but still in range) I can just decrease his basal for a couple of hours and most times it takes care of it. There is no need to wake him to drink juice or eat fruit snacks (as long as he's not low, low). Temp. basals are also very handy for sports or other increase in activity.
6. Having a happier healthier Riley.
7. Having a happier mom (me).
Riley started on the pump exactly 3 years ago today. I hate that he needs it in the first place, but am so grateful that he was able to get it so early on in his diagnosis. Life is never easy when it comes to diabetes, but the pump makes it easier.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
One More Thing
Riley woke up yesterday morning complaining that his chest hurt. I listened for wheezing and did not hear any, but he was coughing some. A lot of times coughing leads him to need his inhaler, so I went ahead and gave it to him.
He had a bought of wheezing in September where we ended up in the ER, and, then again, the week of Christmas. Both times he was placed on Prednisone and both times the wheezing cleared.
But, it had been rearing its ugly head off and on. Riley averaged using his rescue inhaler for wheezing about once every couple of weeks or so. Never two days in a row.
Riley continued to have to use his inhaler all through the night last night and again this morning. Every time he’d been to the doctor for his wheezing it was explained away as “just one of those things”.
Today when he left the doctor’s office we left with an asthma action plan to take to school and a new controller inhaler that he must take twice a day every day.
It’s one more thing my little man has to deal with. Asthma.
I did OK with it at first. I was relieved that they finally put him on a medicine to help control his symptoms. The inhaler he was on only treated the symptoms once they occurred.
I was upbeat about it when I told Holden and he freaked out. I told him everything would be fine.
I was firm with Michael that everything would be fine when I told him and he freaked out too.
But, now sitting here I just want to cry or scream. All I keep thinking is: Didn’t he have enough to deal with already? Isn’t diabetes enough?
When I look over at him perched on the edge of the couch his weight shifted slightly onto his left hip so as to not bother the new, tender site I just inserted it’s all I can do to hold back the tears.
In my heart I know he’ll be fine. Just like diabetes it’s not going to stop him from doing what he wants to do. It’s just one more thing.
It’s one more thing to check on in the middle of the night, one more contraption to add to my pocket book, one more medicine co-payment every month, one more thing to monitor during sports, one more thing on his plate….
He had a bought of wheezing in September where we ended up in the ER, and, then again, the week of Christmas. Both times he was placed on Prednisone and both times the wheezing cleared.
But, it had been rearing its ugly head off and on. Riley averaged using his rescue inhaler for wheezing about once every couple of weeks or so. Never two days in a row.
Riley continued to have to use his inhaler all through the night last night and again this morning. Every time he’d been to the doctor for his wheezing it was explained away as “just one of those things”.
Today when he left the doctor’s office we left with an asthma action plan to take to school and a new controller inhaler that he must take twice a day every day.
It’s one more thing my little man has to deal with. Asthma.
I did OK with it at first. I was relieved that they finally put him on a medicine to help control his symptoms. The inhaler he was on only treated the symptoms once they occurred.
I was upbeat about it when I told Holden and he freaked out. I told him everything would be fine.
I was firm with Michael that everything would be fine when I told him and he freaked out too.
But, now sitting here I just want to cry or scream. All I keep thinking is: Didn’t he have enough to deal with already? Isn’t diabetes enough?
When I look over at him perched on the edge of the couch his weight shifted slightly onto his left hip so as to not bother the new, tender site I just inserted it’s all I can do to hold back the tears.
In my heart I know he’ll be fine. Just like diabetes it’s not going to stop him from doing what he wants to do. It’s just one more thing.
It’s one more thing to check on in the middle of the night, one more contraption to add to my pocket book, one more medicine co-payment every month, one more thing to monitor during sports, one more thing on his plate….
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Always Something There to Remind Me
Since the attack of low blood sugars things have been going pretty smoothly as far as diabetes goes. It has its ups and downs like always but for the most part it’s been somewhere in the middle.
I am more at peace with this disease than I have been in several months. Since school started in August it has been a never-ending roller coaster ride of highs and lows (mainly highs). Then, he had the never-ending lows. Now, he has a few highs, he has a few lows, and several numbers in between.
I try not to let the numbers affect my mood, but I find it to be nearly impossible. There are days when I do OK even if he’s had several highs or several lows. But, for the most parts the “good” days are the days where his sugars behave somewhat.
Even on those days diabetes is still always on my mind. I sometimes wonder what thoughts would fill my head if diabetes had never entered my life. It seems that almost everything is connected to diabetes in some way.
When I see a new food item in the grocery store I don’t just look at the price, I immediately flip it over and read the carb count. Even if I don’t plan on purchasing it I still look and make a mental note of the carbs. I do this because if we come across this particular item in the future I’m hoping I’ll have some knowledge as to how many carbs for which to bolus.
When I try to find anything in my pocketbook, which is a chore unto itself, I have to wade through juice boxes and bagged snacks. I push aside ketone strips, used test strips, and a carb counting book just to find a pen. While I don’t consciously think about diabetes at that time, it’s still a faint reminder that the disease is very much a part of my life.
When Riley mentions that a classmate has a birthday the next day, I don’t automatically ask him how old the child will be. First, I start wondering if there will be a party and how many carbs he might have and if they’ll have cookies or cake. Then, I pray that his sugar will cooperate so when he partakes of the tasty treats his sugar won’t go from high to sky high. Then, I get around to asking how old his friend will be.
A few nights ago I was looking for a baby picture of Holden for his annual. While sorting through the pictures I came across one of Riley sitting in Michael’s lap. Riley was almost a year old. I looked at those chubby cheeks and, other than thinking how cute he was, I thought about how he didn’t have diabetes when that picture was taken. It’s strange that I’d even think of that, but I did.
Last week I had a meeting with some other school nurses. My cell phone would not pick up in the building where the meeting was held. This made me nervous. What if his teacher needed me? I kept excusing myself and would walk outside to where I had a signal and would check to see if I’d missed any calls or is I had any voice mails. Even while in a meeting at work it’s on my mind.
The thing that has struck me as most odd lately was when I began reading my latest book. It started out with a prologue and then it went into the main story. The first page of the main story had a date at the top, “February 2005”. I kid you not, my first thought was “Riley did not have diabetes in February 2005”. Why? I have no idea. Then, I quickly calculated that 8 months later, he did.
I don’t know why my mind always goes to diabetes. I wish I could change it, but I don’t know how. I guess the best advice is to say “just stop thinking about it”. But, I can’t. It’s kind of like if I say to you “do not picture the front door of your house”. Of course, the first thing you do is picture the front door of your house.
I hope to one day find out what I'll think about when there isn't diabetes to think about anymore.
I am more at peace with this disease than I have been in several months. Since school started in August it has been a never-ending roller coaster ride of highs and lows (mainly highs). Then, he had the never-ending lows. Now, he has a few highs, he has a few lows, and several numbers in between.
I try not to let the numbers affect my mood, but I find it to be nearly impossible. There are days when I do OK even if he’s had several highs or several lows. But, for the most parts the “good” days are the days where his sugars behave somewhat.
Even on those days diabetes is still always on my mind. I sometimes wonder what thoughts would fill my head if diabetes had never entered my life. It seems that almost everything is connected to diabetes in some way.
When I see a new food item in the grocery store I don’t just look at the price, I immediately flip it over and read the carb count. Even if I don’t plan on purchasing it I still look and make a mental note of the carbs. I do this because if we come across this particular item in the future I’m hoping I’ll have some knowledge as to how many carbs for which to bolus.
When I try to find anything in my pocketbook, which is a chore unto itself, I have to wade through juice boxes and bagged snacks. I push aside ketone strips, used test strips, and a carb counting book just to find a pen. While I don’t consciously think about diabetes at that time, it’s still a faint reminder that the disease is very much a part of my life.
When Riley mentions that a classmate has a birthday the next day, I don’t automatically ask him how old the child will be. First, I start wondering if there will be a party and how many carbs he might have and if they’ll have cookies or cake. Then, I pray that his sugar will cooperate so when he partakes of the tasty treats his sugar won’t go from high to sky high. Then, I get around to asking how old his friend will be.
A few nights ago I was looking for a baby picture of Holden for his annual. While sorting through the pictures I came across one of Riley sitting in Michael’s lap. Riley was almost a year old. I looked at those chubby cheeks and, other than thinking how cute he was, I thought about how he didn’t have diabetes when that picture was taken. It’s strange that I’d even think of that, but I did.
Last week I had a meeting with some other school nurses. My cell phone would not pick up in the building where the meeting was held. This made me nervous. What if his teacher needed me? I kept excusing myself and would walk outside to where I had a signal and would check to see if I’d missed any calls or is I had any voice mails. Even while in a meeting at work it’s on my mind.
The thing that has struck me as most odd lately was when I began reading my latest book. It started out with a prologue and then it went into the main story. The first page of the main story had a date at the top, “February 2005”. I kid you not, my first thought was “Riley did not have diabetes in February 2005”. Why? I have no idea. Then, I quickly calculated that 8 months later, he did.
I don’t know why my mind always goes to diabetes. I wish I could change it, but I don’t know how. I guess the best advice is to say “just stop thinking about it”. But, I can’t. It’s kind of like if I say to you “do not picture the front door of your house”. Of course, the first thing you do is picture the front door of your house.
I hope to one day find out what I'll think about when there isn't diabetes to think about anymore.
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