Sometimes I have great days, days where diabetes is way back in the background of life. It's still there, it's just not center stage. There are days when I don't really think about diabetes all that much. There are days that even if I do think about it, I think "Oh, it's OK. Riley is going to be fine."
I really love those days.
But, then there are times, like today, that diabetes weighs heavily on my heart. It feels like the weight of it is dragging me down into an abyss that I can't escape.
There's a lot going on right now. Obviously, Riley starting school has me on edge. It forces me to think about the logistics of diabetes more than I really want to. I have to think about a plan for if Riley goes low a school. A plan for if Riley's set comes out at school. And, a plan for if, God forbid, Riley goes too low and has a seizure while at school. These are things I can usually keep tucked in the back of my mind. Bringing them to the forefront is quite painful.
Also, I am raising money for Walk of Hope. Raising money puts a strain on me because I have to think about diabetes and why it is so very important to find a cure.
When you convey to people why you want a cure it's not as simple as not wanting your child to be hooked to a medical device or wanting your child to be able to eat whatever he wants. There is so much more. This is a 24/7 disease. There are no holidays. There are no breaks, not even for one second.
There are worries that other parents will never have. There are worries that Riley will deal with that others will never have to experience.
There are the mornings, like this one, when I change Riley's set and he screams bloody murder and clings to me for comfort, a comfort that I just cannot give. I can't take away the sting of the needle anymore then I can take away this disease.
Of course, there's the complications looming over my head too. Riley's sugars have been pretty good lately. But, for the last two nights, he's run high all night long no matter how much we correct him. Last night he reached 403. We haven't seen the 400s in a while.
But, when he goes through those highs, even though I know we'll eventually get them straightened out, I can't help but have in the back of my mind what they are doing to his eyes, his kidneys, his heart.
Lately, I've been forced to think about things that I really don't want to think about, the bad things.
And, I've come to the realization that even on those good days when I don't think about the bad things, they are still there. Whether I think about them or not doesn't change the fact that they exist.
And, that is another reason why my heart is heavy this morning and, to some extent, always will be.