Tomorrow is my "mommy check up". No, I don't have a doctor's appointment. Riley does.
We will make the 6 hour round trip to see his endo tomorrow. She will check his A1C. We get to see how well I've done as a mother of a child with diabetes.
His last A1C was 7.8. I was very disappointed because I'd been keeping him in the low 7s. Yes, he's had a few growth spurts that made his sugars go crazy. Plus, he would spike every single day at school, usually in the 300s. But, I should have been on top of it more than I was.
It wasn't until around Christmas break when I finally reigned in some of those highs. Then he was put on Prednisone. So, he ran high again for a while.
I've started logging sugars every day and looking for trends. I've been using Kevin's excel log book again. Today I printed out the past 2 weeks worth of sugars.
At first glance they look pretty good except for Monday. We took a 4 hour trip to see some basketball games. Riley spent 8 hours in the car. Then he sat and watched basketball for about another 6 hours. I expected highs so I increased his basals. It didn't work.
Finally, I decided it wasn't a movement problem but a site problem. He'd run high for several hours before I figured it out. If we hadn't of taken the stupid trip I would have caught it earlier. I just kept attributing it to his inactivity.
Like I said, at first glance the numbers look pretty good. His blood sugar average last week was 145. So far this week it's 174 (thanks to Monday). If you take Monday out of the equation it's 145.
I wish it was that easy to just take out the numbers we don't like....
Upon closer inspection and looking at the graphs and the numbers I realized that while the 145 looked good it wasn't really. He went low 6 out of 7 days last week. 6 out of 7!!!
How did I not notice until I printed it out on paper? How did I not realize the juice supply was getting low? It's amazing how I just lived through it all and didn't really take notice. And, it's scary.
So, I'm thinking now I need to decrease some basals. I'm going to wait until tomorrow and see what Dr. M wants to do.
At least he hasn't been low today. His high for the day ( as of 7:30 PM) is 158. His low: 81. Yes, it's been a splendid day. But, the day ain't over yet....
Sorry that this post is kind of rambling. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow.
I'm hoping for an A1C less than 7.8. If it's more than that I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll probably break down crying in Dr. M's office.
I know, I know "an A1C is just a number". I've said that to others before. When I see that someone else's child has a higher A1C, I don't judge. I just say "You know what, this disease is hard and dealing with growth spurts is hard. It will get better." When I read of an adult with a higher A1C I don't judge, I just think how hard all the juggling of every day life is and how much harder it must be with diabetes thrown in the mix.
But, when it's my child....
That A1C is more than just a number. Right now, for me, that number equates to good parenting. A high one means failure to properly care for my child.
But, by the same token, when Riley's A1C was 6.6 I wasn't patting myself on the back. I was worried that he ran low too much.
Because right now a 50 is not just a number. It's making my child feel horrible. It's depriving his organs of needed sugar. It affects the functioning of his brain.
And, a 358 is not just a number. I see it as nerve/kidney/eye damage. Damage that I'm causing. Damage that I can't get back.
I'll let you guys know how things go.
7 comments:
WOW....3 hours one way, right? That's a hike! I'll pray all goes well. I find myself getting all nervous before J.J.'s appt.'s as well. As in all parenting...we can only do what we can do. You are a great Mom...no matter what the dreaded A1C says!
What Lynnea said... we can only do what we can do. The more I "do" this (2+ years now) the more I get that. I'm grateful for moms like you who put into words what I am feeling and going through, but don't have the energy to say.
Sam was over 400 before P.E. yesterday and the school nurse called me (per plan) and seemed upset that I was not upset. "Just give him water and send him off to run around in gym." What? I'm a bad mom because I don't get hysterical?
Hang in there. You're doing all you can, and it DOES make a difference!
I'll be praying for your nerves tomorrow for the checkup!! I'm sure it will go well and hey- what will be- will be. Your doing a great job with Riley! Can't wait to hear how it goes.
This post was comforting to me, becuase now I know I am not alone in seeing more than "just numbers" .....like you said, it isn't just a number. It is a feeling our kids feel, their health, a "capability" number. Are we really capable to be our childs pancreas 24/7? I don't think so. BUT, I do know we give it our all every single day. This is what makes us great moms Penny. ((HUGS))
Maddison sees her Endo tomorrow too, I will be thinking of you and Riley going through the exact same thing, at the exact same time as us. The mom stress of the A1c!!!!I will be out there too knowing exactly how you are feeling!
I'll be thinking about you today (((HUGS))) We went through the check up yesterday and I was the ball of nerves that you are today so I know how you're feeling! Just remember you have to take into consideration the illness he's had as well. We all know you're not a "bad" mom and you do all you can do to make sure you keep as much control on this D-Monster as you can. Also remember...we're not here to judge you...we're here to give you the support and love you need as a Mom struggling!
Update us as you can!
Keep us posted.
Isn't it crazy just how much mental baggage that damn number throws on us?
I hope it went/goes well. Growth spurt highs are hard to control. We've been going through that recently. There's only so much pretending to be a pancreas we can do. You're doing a great job!
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