Choking back tears

About three weeks after Riley was diagnosed, he checked his own sugar for the first time. But, then, we started checking it for him. It was just easier (and quicker) that way.

Michael and I have been talking lately about how we need to start getting him back in the habit of checking his sugar himself since he will be checking it once he starts school.

But, I’ve been putting it off. I didn’t really know why. I thought maybe it was because it’s just easier to do it myself.

Michael called me yesterday morning. He said he was in the kitchen fixing Riley’s breakfast and he told Riley to go get his machine and put it on the couch and he would come in and check his sugar.

A few minutes later Riley walked in holding his machine in his hand. He had not only gotten his machine, he had checked his sugar all by himself without being prompted.

When Michael told me this story my eyes immediately filled with tears. I had to take a few breaths before I said anything. All I could say is, “That’s good and sad all at the same time.”

Then, before snack last night I told Riley to check his sugar. He went and got his machine. He removed a strip and placed it in the machine. He readied the lancet. He stuck his finger, but didn’t get any blood on the first try. Again, he readied the lancet and stuck his finger. This time he must have gotten it right because I saw him squeeze a small drop of blood out of his little pinkie finger.

He put the blood on the strip and waited for the beep. “What number is it?”, I asked.

“One, five, five”, he said.

“OK, run and get you a snack.”

He put his machine and lancet back into his case and zipped it. Then, he went into the kitchen in search of a snack.

I turned and looked at Michael. I was barely able to hold back the tears as I choked out, “Why is that so painful for me to watch? I check his sugar all the time and don’t think about it. But, it kills me to watch him do it.”

I guess it's just a harsh reminder to me that it's his disease. It's his burden to bear. I don't want it to be that way. I want to take that burden from him.

But, I can't. All I can do is teach him to manage it as best he can.

And, sit and choke back tears as I watch him try.

Happiness is...

looking at Holden as he goes on and on about what he did today and what he’s going to do tomorrow, he’s so handsome and so grown and he still talks to me, even though he’s 16

coming home to Michael and Riley in front of the computer screen enthralled in a game of Avatar

coming home to a clean house and folded clothes (thanks, Michael)

watching my two boys run around the yard chasing lightening bugs

hearing Holden’s car pull safely into the driveway

watching Riley go down the water slide at the pool for the first time, he’s my brave boy, that braveness will serve him well in the future

watching Riley throw the ball to Grace and seeing the proud way she struts back with it in her mouth (Grace is our dog, by the way)

sitting in the swing watching Riley play with his brother with my head on Michael’s shoulder and my legs thrown over his legs

putting diabetes in it's place and having it stay there

Everybody's Doing It

If you haven't gone there yet, do it now. It won't hurt a bit, I promise and you might even find out some useful info or help someone else out who might have a question.

I'm talking about tudiabetes. It's a social networking group for people with diabetes (or people whose family members have D)

I'm not one for peer pressure. But come on, do you really want to be the only one that's not doing it?

I didn't think so.

Just for fun

I felt like writing a post today, but not really thinking. I found this meme which I thought was perfect.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I honestly don’t remember. I was brushing my teeth at the time.

2. How much cash do you have on you? $20. Usually it would be $0, but I just got a 20 out of the ATM to put in a graduation card.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? Poor (you go with what you know)

4. Favorite planet? Earth. It’s the only one I’ve ever been to.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Michael’s Cell

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Pachelbel Canon

7. What shirt are you wearing? A nursing scrub shirt, it is blue with white daisies on it and in the middle of the daises is a yellow smiley face.

8. Do you label yourself? I guess. I’m a mom, wife, Christian, daughter, nurse…

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing: New Balance

10. Bright or Dark Room? dark

11. Why is there always a missing question? Why is all the rum gone?

12. What does your watch look like? It is gold-toned with a black face; no numbers on it, just gold bars where the numbers should be, and at 12 it has a (fake) diamond chip.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? Ok thanx love u 2 ma

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? I have no idea, but I think it’s somewhere in Virginia or maybe at the beach?

16. What's a word that you say a lot? Freakin’ (it’s my substitute curse word) My mom hates it.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? My mom

18. Last furry thing you touched? My cat, Sally May.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? No illegal drugs, ever and no prescription drugs in the last 3 days. But, I took 3 Ibuprofen this morning.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? Probably about 10. I use my digital camera all the time now, but I still have a drawer with old rolls of film that need developing.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 23 (the year I met my husband) I was young. Holden was 6. I had a little bit of money. Life was good.

22. Your worst enemy? diabetes

23. What is your current desktop picture? Holden and Riley at the Bobcats ballgame

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I haven’t said anything in a while. Let’s see, I think I said “Whew, I’m finally cooling off” (It’s very hot here today.)

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be? No doubt about it, give me the million, baby!!!

26. Do you like someone? I like a lot of people. But, not you. You scare me:-)

27. The last song you listened to? “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s (that’s one of my new favorite songs)

28. What time of day were you born? I was born at 12:02 PM.

29. What's your favorite number? 3

30. Where did you live in 1987? With my parents about 4 miles down the road from where I live now. I was 13.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? No, not that I can think of. Jealousy does no good. It just eats at you.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? Not that I know of. Somehow, I really doubt it.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Driving down the road to work. I was listening to Bob and Sherri on the radio. They were talking about the first plane and watching everything on CNN when the 2nd plane hit. When they said the second plane hit, I went numb. That’s when I knew it wasn't an accident.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? It depends, if I’m off somewhere I’ll usually do nothing. But, if I’m at work I’ll leave a sticky note up there to let someone know and usually when nice vending machine man comes to refill it, he’ll give me my money back.

35. Do you consider yourself kind? yes

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? I already have one on the inside of my right ankle. But, if I had to get another one, it would probably be on my butt. Just kidding. Um, I guess maybe my arm? I don’t know. I don’t want another tattoo.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? French. Spanish would be more useful, but I like the way the French language sounds.

38. Would you move for the person you loved? Yes, I would follow Michael to the ends of the earth.

39. Are you touchy-feely? No. Not. At. All.

40. What's your life motto? I don’t really have a motto I guess, but I often say “Don’t ask me a question you really don’t want the answer to”

41. Name three things you have on you at all times: my wedding ring, my engagement ring, and my watch

42. What's your favorite town/city? I’m a fan of Charlotte, NC. I haven’t done much traveling.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? My breakfast. Bacon, egg, and cheese on toast and tater tots. Hey, I'm PMS'ing leave me alone. For real. Leave. Me. Alone.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? It’s been years ago. It was probably to my friend Heidi. So it was probably about 9 years ago or so. We correspond via email now.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? No, but I wish I could. It would save me some money.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? That he’s living in Raleigh (and that was more than I wanted to know)

47. How far back do you know your ancestry? Um, I knew a couple of my great-grandparents. That’s about it.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? To go to Holden’s Academic Awards Banquet. I wore a black knee-length skirt that had some big flowers on it (they were beige and white) and a black short-sleeved sweater, black hose, and black high-heeled shoes. Don't know what name brand any of it was. I don't pay attention to that kind of stuff.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? My left lower abdomen, take a guess why. That’s also the same reason I took Ibuprofen this morning. And, the same reason you need to leave. me. alone.

50. Have you ever been burned by love? Yes, and I don’t care to expound on it.

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? no, you guys are cute and all, but I only have eyes for my husband

52. Where would you like to live? More toward the central part of NC in a great big house with a great big yard. But, to do that I’d need a great big bank account. So, it’s not going to happen.

OK, that was fun and mind-numbing. I tag anyone who wants to be tagged.

Just a quick plug

I will be hosting another Walk of Hope this year.

Walk of Hope 2007 will be held on October 6, 2007 (Riley's 2 year anniversary of having D)

All proceeds will go to The Iacocca Foundation to help find a cure for Type 1 diabetes.

If you would like to donate to Walk of Hope, click here.

At the website page, click on "Donate". When you fill in your info. under "designation" type in "Walk of Hope 2007" and that will make sure that the donation goes to my walk.

I've also posted a link in my sidebar in case maybe you can't donate now, but maybe in the future.

Every little bit helps, $5, $10, $20, it doesn't matter. It all adds up.

And, if you chose to remain anonymous that's fine, but if you don't mind I'd like to know if you donate. I just want a chance to give you a personal thanks.

No more gray

Since Riley was diagnosed with diabetes I have been determined that it wouldn’t stop our family from doing the things we always did.

And, I succeeded pretty well with that.

We still went on vacations. We still went to the beach to spend the day. Holden played on a traveling basketball team and I drug Riley along for the ride. Riley participated in sports.

But, it sort of felt empty. I was happy, but I felt like the happiness was tainted somehow. My happiness was a little gray around the edges.

But, lately, I feel as if I’ve awakened from a deep sleep or that I’ve been walking around in a fog for, oh, let’s say the last 19 months or so.

I go to the tennis courts and hit the ball around with Holden. I’m walking and trying to work myself up to start running. I go and sit on the beach and glance up from my book long enough to see Riley playing in the water. I cheer for Riley when he hits the ball and takes off for first base.

These are all things I’ve done many times before. But, somehow, it’s different now.

Before, I was doing all these things in spite of diabetes. Now, I’m doing things without factoring diabetes into the equation at all.

It may not sound like much of a difference, but it is.

I guess maybe I’ve just finally decided that diabetes isn’t going anywhere. It’s time to get on with life.

So, what have I been doing the last 19 months? I’ve been living life, but my heart wasn’t in it. My heart was still hurting too much from the pain caused by a disease that invaded my son’s body.

Don’t get me wrong; the pain is still there a little. I think, to some extent, it always will be there. But, it’s dulled enough for me to stop focusing on it.

And, as far as a cure goes, my hope is still there. I have to hope that one day Riley won’t have this anymore. But, do I believe there will ever be a cure? I’m not so sure.

I continue to pray every day for the researchers that are working to find a cure. I will be holding Walk of Hope again in October.

But, I’ve decided that there may never be a cure. I hope there will be. You don’t know how much I wish for it. But, I just have to accept that maybe there won’t be.

And, because I've accepted that, I'm the happiest I’ve been in a while. There's not any gray around the edges anymore.

The meeting

Yesterday, we had a meeting with Riley’s teacher for next year.

I just wanted to meet with her and let her know some things about Riley. Basically, I wanted to meet the woman I was going to let care for my child next year.

The meeting was more for me than her.

Everything went very well. She was very upfront and said that she had never had a child with D in her class. She was also very relieved to find out that Riley had a pump and that she would not have to give any shots.

I was impressed by the fact that since she thought Riley was on injections, she seemed willing to learn to give them.

We talked about highs and lows. We talked about the pump. I didn’t get into any specifics. We are going to meet closer to the start of school next year and go over the specifics.

She asked a lot of good questions. I made sure to let her know that as overwhelming as it may sound that it really wouldn’t take up a lot of her time.

I let her know that Holden would be getting out of class to administer Riley’s insulin in the beginning. She said that once she got comfortable with it, Holden would not need to come at all.

She assured me that she would call me if she ever had any questions and that she would probably call me several times in the beginning. I like that. I would much rather she call me for any little thing than not to call me at all. Plus, what she might consider a little thing might not be so little after all.

I also leaned what time Riley will have snack, lunch, and recess.

Also, on certain days he will go to other activities that include: computers, Spanish, art, music, PE, and library. I quickly started counting up in my head. That meant there was 6 more people I needed to speak with. I told her since they were going to be the adult with Riley I at least wanted them to be aware that he has D and what to do if he has a low while he’s in their class.

She told me that at the beginning of school she would set up a time to get all of the teachers together so that I can speak to them all at once. That makes my job a lot easier.

And, she didn’t have any problem with me hanging out around the classroom the first few days of school to make sure Riley was settling in OK. She said she’d want to do the same thing if it was her child.

And, I stressed a few times that it is very important to me that Riley not be singled out and that he participate in everything just as any other student. "What about birthday parties with cake and ice cream?" I told her that Riley can eat whatever the other kids are eating. My only rules are that he can't have regular soda or regular juice. I explained to her why. I told her I'd have special juice for Riley to use on these occasions. I also stressed that if any of the parents ask, they are not to bring something different for Riley to eat, such as sugar-free candy or sugar-free cake. I didn't explain to her that it usually has about the same amount of carbs as the stuff with sugar.

Going to speak with her helped to calm my nerves. I had stopped stressing over it so much. But, to speak with her and find out that she’s willing to learn and understands why it’s so important to learn has really helped a lot.

And, one of the last things she said before we left was that she knew Riley was our baby, but that she would treat him like her baby too. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.

I know Riley is going to be OK. He has Holden out there. In addition to Holden, there are two kids in Holden's class with D. One is on injections and the other is on a pump. They are both very fond of Riley and Riley feels the same way about them. I'm sure they'd help out if needed. There is also a girl who has been in this particular school since Kindergarten. She is on a pump, an Animas just like Riley's. Her mom has told me that she'd be able to help. Also, the 6th grade teacher has D and is on a pump. And, the mother of one of the kid's in Holden's class is also an elementary teacher. So, in all, there are 5 people at the school who have Type 1 themselves and also the mother of a kid with D. Considering the school only has about 325 students, that's a pretty large number of people with D. It just tells me that Riley is exactly where he needs to be.

I still worry, of course. No one will take care of Riley like I will. Just like a PWD, no one will care for your D like you do. Just imagine, having to give up control of your D from 8 AM- 3PM every day. You have one day to teach someone everything they need to know, how to count carbs, how to bolus, what to do for lows and highs. Then, you have to stand back and watch them do the best they can with the disease that you know intimately. The disease that only you really know how to best deal with. Scary huh? But, that's what I'm going to do with Riley. It's what I have to do.

Now, I'm going to put these thoughts aside for a while and enjoy my summer.

A stolen meme

Taken from Shannon and Jamie...

10 Years ago...

1.) How old were you: 23
2.) Where did you go to school: not in school
3.)Where did you work: a hospital
4.) Where did you live: with my parents
5.) Where did you hang out: the ballpark or friend's houses
6.) Did you wear glasses: no, contacts
7.) Who was your best friend: Heidi
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Michael
9.) How many tattoos did you have: one
10.) How many piercings did you have: one, ears only
11.) What car did you drive: '97 Toyota Corolla
12.) Had you been to a real party: Yes.
13.) Had your heart broken: Yes
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: in between single and taken (Michael and I had just met)

Five years ago...

1.) How old were you: 28
2.) Where did you go to school: n/a
3.) Where did you work: I was home on maternity leave.
4.) Where did you live: same town as now
5.) Where did you hang out: I didn't hang out anywhere but home
6.) Did you wear glasses: contacts
7.) Who was your best friend: Michael
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Michael
9.) How many tattoos did you have: 1
10.) How many piercings did you have: one
11.) What car did you drive: '97 Toyota Corolla
12.) Had you been to a real party: Yes
13.) Had your heart broken: Yes
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Married

Present Day...

1.) How old are you: 33
2.) Where do you go to school: n/a
3.) Where do you work: home health
4.) Where do you live: same ol' place
5.) Where do you hang out: somewhere on the verge of insanity
6.) Do you wear glasses: contacts
7.) Who is your best friend: Michael
8.) Who is your regular-person crush: Michael
9.) How many tattoos do you have: 1
10.) How many piercings do you have: one
11.) What car do you drive: '05 Pontiac Vibe
12.) Had you been to a real party: Yes
13.) Had your heart broken: Yes
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Married

We're back in business

23: Number of hours Riley went without a pump.

8: Number of shots he got in that time period.

1: Approximate hours of sleep I got last night.

100 bazillion gazillion fafillion: How much money the pump is worth to me.


We did well going without the pump for almost a whole day. Riley’s sugars were surprisingly good. I thought he would run high most of the time since he didn’t really have any basal insulin, but he didn’t. He went into the low 300s once and the upper 200s twice, but most of the time, he was right in range.

It was strange. At 12:45 this morning his sugar was in the 300s. He got an injection. I expected that after about 3 hours, he’d need another because that’s about how long his NovoLog usually lasts. But, he didn’t need another injection for 6 hours. His sugars were perfectly fine all through the night. Trust me, I know. He was checked pretty much every hour.

Overkill? Maybe, but I wasn’t sleeping anyway. The thought of him not having any background insulin had me scared. I even had 2 alarms set so I wouldn’t fall asleep and sleep through the alarm. I figured if one didn’t wake me up the other one would.

And, Riley was plenty happy to get back on the pump. He was tired of the shots and so was I.

No strings attached

Yesterday was our typical Sunday. Wake up, go to church, go to Mom's to eat, play a little ball with Riley, head to the beach and watch Riley swim, bath, site change, bed. And, a little basal change in there also because Riley's been running high the last few days.

His overnight sugars were the best they've been in about a week. The nighttime is when he's been running high. But, last night, he actually had to run at a decreased basal for a while. Not bad.

Then, I received a call from my mom at around 10 AM. Riley's pump had alarmed and read "pump not primed, no delivery". This has happened before, so I got mom to rewind and then put the cartridge in. When she did this, instead of the cartridge stopping where it was supposed to it just kept going and pushed all the insulin out. When mom told me this, I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Oh, and the screen is all foggy. I can barely see it," she said.

Uh oh. That is not good, not good at all.

Luckily, I was in the office which is only about 10 minutes from my mom's house, so I went to check things out. Sure enough there was condensation under the screen. I checked for cracks but didn't see any. I took the battery out. It was wet and starting to corrode.

I called Animas to let them know. The lady I talked to didn't take long to say they'd send out another pump. It will arrive tomorrow.

I called Riley's endo to see what to do. She said that since he will be without the pump for just a day, she wouldn't put him on Lantus. But, if I wanted to do it that way, I could. I went with what she said. I really didn't want to start back on Lantus. We had some very scary nighttime lows with Lantus before.

So, now, we're testing at least every four hours (not unusual, we usually test more) and bolusing every four hours as needed for highs with a little extra thrown in to cover the basal.

And, man, does it suck. I forgot how hard it is to draw up 1/2 unit of insulin and 1/4, well there's just no way to do that.

Riley's sugar was 150 when I checked, not bad considering he'd just eaten breakfast 2 hours before. He ate a snack and got an injection for that.

All in all, he did OK. He was not happy about it, but he didn't cry. He picked out where he wanted the shot (right arm) and sat in my mom's lap while I gave it.

Now, I've figured up that if he goes 24 hours without the pump, that's at least 6 shots. Ugh. It makes me appreciate the pump that much more.

And, sleep tonight, that's pretty much out of the question.

After I gave Riley his shot, I turned to say something to my mom and noticed the tears in her eyes. I told her, he'd be OK. I reminded her that at least we have a way to treat his diabetes. It wasn't that long ago that if he had gotten it, we would have sat by his bedside watching him waste away. How painful that must have been for those parents, and for the children that had to endure it. I'm just thankful there is such a thing as insulin, so that my child can live.

Riley grinned as I pulled out his site. While he's not happy about the shots, I think he's enjoying being free for a while. And, it's strange to not have to think about if his site is OK or worry about him pulling it out when he goes to the restroom.

For now, I've decided we're going to enjoy living life for the next 24 hours, with no strings attached.

***edit: When I went home at lunch to give Riley his injection, my mom told me that they were out in the yard playing tennis and Riley ran to get the ball and he looked at her and said, "You know, I feel like a normal person again, without any needles or tubes." How sad is that? Who knows? Maybe he won't want to go back to the pump, but I hope he does. It really is the best thing for him. Plus, I think the shots are going to get old very quick.***

Talk me down

You know, I had many parents tell me in the beginning of this disease that checking sugars and giving insulin would just become second nature. They were right. I wish they weren't.

The last few weeks have been a blur of finger pricks, button pushes, and site changes. I test, I bolus, I change sets almost like a robot. I see a 300, I give insulin. I see a 50 and I give fruit snacks. I see a 120 and I smile. Then, I go on with my life like sticking my child with needles 10-12 times a day is perfectly normal.

When did I become complacent? When did I just accept this stupid disease?

Yes, I guess you need to accept it in some way to stay sane. But, I feel like I've almost invited diabetes in as a part of the family.

I don't know how to explain it. I just feel that by testing and bolusing and not really thinking about it, I've succumbed to the fact that Riley will always have this disease. It's just become a part of our life.

Of course, there are two sides to every coin. Accepting diabetes as a part of Riley's life is healthy, I guess. It's a little easier on the emotions. And, it's, well, realistic, practical.

But, I don't want it to be a part of Riley's life. I feel that by accepting it, I've given up hope of him ever living without it.

I've talked about a cure before. I really don't think about it all that much. I can't. The thought of a Riley that doesn't need needles and insulin seems like heaven to me. But, to think that it may never happen is very painful.

By the same token, I have to hope for a cure. I feel like if I don't, I'm somehow letting Riley down. That by not hoping I've given up.

Have I given up?

Sometimes I try to imagine Riley without diabetes. And, I can't. How sad is that? I can't see Riley just going to the cabinet, getting out a snack and eating it. It seems so foreign to me.

I'm not really sure what this post is all about. I've just been acutely aware lately of how much I have been accepting diabetes and what it does to Riley. It's in the back of my mind that I need to fight, but I just don't have the strength. I'm tired of wishing, hoping, waiting, fighting, only to get up every morning to do it all over again.

It makes me feel like diabetes has won. I feel like I've given up the fight, like I've raised the white flag. Like I'm telling diabetes it's OK that it has taken up residence in my child's body. I used to feel like it was just renting a space. Now, I see a little sign that says "under contract" and it's only a matter of filling out the paperwork before Riley's body will be it's permanent home.

I guess the fact that I'm writing this post and pondering all these things means I haven't given up hope just yet. But, I feel like I'm really close. And, that scares me.

I'm teetering on the brink of giving up.

I need someone to talk me off the ledge.

Help a little boy with leukemia

Hi everyone. I received this email today and it checks out to be true according to snopes.

A little boy named Shane has leukemia. Instead of wishing for toys or money or a trip to Disney, he wants to receive the most birthday cards ever for his birthday. His birthday is May 30th. Don't ignore this please. What if he were your child?



His address is:

Shane Bernier
PO Box 484
Lancaster, Ontario
K0C 1N0
Canada



You can go to Shane's site to read more.



Thanks in advance for your help. The OC is a compassionate bunch of people. I know you won't let Shane down.

A Day Late

Yesterday was Mother's Day (happy day to all moms) and it was also my baby boy's 5th birthday. I can't believe he's five already. Time goes so fast.

In honor of Riley's birthday I thought I'd post something else that Holden wrote for school.

May 13 by Holden

The best memory I have is May 13, 2002, the day my little brother Riley was born. Ever since I was able to talk and form sentences I was asking my mom for a little brother. I wanted someone to play with and grow up with and I thought it would be the best thing in the world. I asked for a brother for Christmas and asked for a brother as a birthday present. My mom always said she didn't want another kid and that I should stop asking because I would never be getting a little brother. As I grew up I kind of grew out of wanting a brother and just stopped asking or thinking about it. Then one day after supper my parents took me in the living room and told me I was getting something and that I could ask twenty questions about it and then guess what it was. At this time I really wanted a husky dog and I was asking all these random questions and I didn't have a clue. My parents told me I couldn't see what it was yet but that it was int he room. I was so confused and then my mom said, "I'm going to have a baby." I was so astonished. It was the last thing I expected her to say, it had never even crossed my mind. I fell out in the floor crying for the longest time because I was overwhelmed with joy. My mom came and hugged me and when I gathered myself we went to my grandparent's. That was a great day but not nearly as great as the day about nine months from then.

That day is as clear to me as if it just happened. I was sleeping and my dad woke me up and told me that my mom was going into labor. I got up and helped him get things ready and was very excited. After a while my mom's contractions died down and she no longer thought she was in labor. I went back to bed and eventually got over the false alarm and went back to sleep. Maybe forty-five minutes later he woke me up again and my mom was now sure she was in labor. We went to the car and got on our way to --------. On the way I remember thinking I was really helping my parents by timing my mom's contractions. I didn't even know what that was and I had no idea why I was timing it but I knew that I was helping and that was really important to me. We got there and as soon as we stopped my mom threw up in my dad's car for the first time the whole trip. This made me want to throw up but I was able to hold it back. We went inside and checked in and they took my mom back while I sat in the waiting room. I am pretty sure I eventually fell asleep waiting around for my mom to have her baby. My dad and granddad woke me up to go get some breakfast from the little restaurant they had there at the hospital. This is where I have a very strong memory of what my dad said there. We were eating something that was very good and I said that we can come back to this place for lunch. My dad said that we probably wouldn't be thinking about lunch because something more important would be happening then. Sure enough something more important was happening at 12:18 right when I would have been eating lunch. I was standing outside the room with my grandparents and I could hear my mom laughing. It confused me at first as to why she would be laughing because I thought it was painful but I found out later it was because they had given her so many drugs to stop the pain. I heard a baby crying and became very happy. After a minute my dad stuck his head out the door and said, "It's a little Riley." This sent me into tears and I grabbed onto my grandma. I was so happy because something I had wanted my whole life was finally here and I couldn't hold it in. I went in and saw him and thought it was the greatest thing I had ever seen. This was such a memorable day for me and is the best one that I can remember..

People always said they didn't know why I wanted a brother so badly once I got older because I couldn't even play with him. I have come to find out that was a lie. I play very rough with him now and he plays rough with me. He even plays video games with me that some 12 year olds can't comprehend and he is only four. I have much fun with him. Even though he is sometimes a little whiny annoying kid I still love him to death because he gave me my best memory ever.



















Happy birthday, Riley. You are such a blessing to our family.



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Now, some birthday pictures. Riley is so special he got two parties.

The first was at a local beach.



It came complete with a Yoda cake.












And, a Darth Vader pinata.





And, lots of presents.





Party number two was smaller and came with a homemade Darth Vader cake.
















And, even more presents.




Mostly there was a lot of this...



And this...



And a little bit of this...






Tears courtesy of big brother, Holden.

But, it was OK. They settled it with a duel.





And, diabetes, I'm sure it was there somewhere. We hardly even noticed.

Holden's post

Holden said I could share this with all of you. He recently wrote an English project entitled This is my Life.

I may share more later, but for now I'll share this because it's almost Mother's Day.

I hope you enjoy it. I know I did.

Most Influential Person by Holden

The person who has had the biggest positive influence on my life would have to be my mom. I think most of this can be attributed to the fact that it was just me and her for a period of time and we developed a relationship that I can't have with anyone else. She had me when she was only seventeen but loved me before I was even born. She did the best she could with me as a newborn while trying to be a high school student and later a college student. She balanced these two things well, but she also had a lot of help from my grandparents that we lived with for the first six tears of my life. I am also very thankful for them. After that we moved to our own little house in ----- where she met my step-dad, Michael, my now adopted father. We didn't have the easiest life or the most money but my mom still provided for me. When it came time for Christmas or other times she made sure I was very happy and went to great lengths to make sure I was comfortable even if she wasn't. She also gave me the birthday present I had always asked for when she gave birth to my little brother Riley.

I eventually became a teenager and realized that my mom was never right and that I knew everything. Even if I was stubborn or if I am stubborn today she will still love me and even if she fusses or yells at me I know she's just trying to do what is best for me. Every Christmas she always writes me a letter telling me different things that help me and always means a lot to me. She's always been there for me and I know she always will.

My mom has also been a good role model for me. She is a Christian and a moral role model for me to look up to. Ever since I was little I have been going to church because she first started taking me. She also set the example by not going and dropping me off there, but she went herself every Sunday she could. She helped in Bible School and taught and is still teaching in my youth class with my dad. She has been an active member in our church since I can remember and that is something I want to grow up to be. She also sets a Christian example in our house. She tries to give me a world to grow up in that will make me the good person I am supposed to be. Certain things like T.V. channels and internet sites that I shouldn't see are blocked out in my house because she knows they are not right and that I will be a better person by not seeing them. She also tries to keep music from me that is unedited so I won't hear language like that repeatedly and let it become part of my everyday vocabulary. She was a vital part in my Christian life and still is and that is the most important thing she could have ever done for me.

I picked my mom as my most influential person because she has had a positive impact on my life on so many different levels. She loves me like I know no one else in this world does, because we have that relationship I was talking about that is different and special and can only be between us. She supported me when I was young while she was still a kid growing up herself, barely older than me. That took courage and a mindset that I can truly appreciate. At that point adoption could have easily been an option, but I'm glad it wasn't because I wouldn't trade my mom for any other mom in the world.

Don't I have a great kid? I am so blessed to have him (and Riley) in my life. Reading this made me realize that our kids do notice the things we do or don't do for them most of the time.

I can't take all the credit for Holden. He is a great kid. I don't know how much I had to do with that. I think I just got lucky. One thing I do know, I wouldn't trade him for any other kid in the world.

R.I.P. Lizzy

Today we had to put one of our dogs to sleep. She had gotten sick and was very weak and tired. It was the humane thing to do. She was almost 7 years old. Her name was Elizabeth. But, most of the time I called her Lizzy or Lizzy Beth.

This is a picture of her (and Holden) about 5 or 6 years ago.





Rest in peace Lizzy Beth. You were a good girl.

Pictures

In lew of the depressing posts I've been doing lately I decided I'd post some pictures.

My little Jedi.

My big Jedi.

Easter pictures

Holden's messed up ankle. Gross, huh?



Bobcats game!!

Holden driving away in his new car for the first time. Sigh.

Basketball.

Snowball dance.

I'll never turn to the dark side.

Isn't he sweet?

Asleep again.

Sorry to bore you. I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Mother's Day Giveaway

There is a giveaway going on at 5 minutes for mom.

Click here to find out how to enter.



Who doesn't love free stuff?

Hatred

Hate is such a strong word.

I have never felt as much hatred as I do now. It’s really not in my nature to hate anyone or anything. I might dislike something, but again, hate is a strong word.

But, I hate diabetes with a passion I never knew existed.

When Riley’s sugar went from 342 to 36 in an hour and a half today my hatred just bubbled over. The fact that he still had plenty of insulin on board didn’t help matters any.

I was riding down the road and I could barely see the truck in front of me through the tears that were stinging my eyes. This time the tears where not from the pain of dealing with the disease, but rather, pure, unadulterated anger for what this disease does to my child.

The word unfair crossed my mind a few times.

I know, life is unfair. The fact that two parents lost their 17-year-old son in a wreck is unfair. The fact that people are going hungry is unfair.

Yes, I do know that life is unfair. But, it’s just supposed to be unfair for me, not my son. One of my jobs as a mother it to protect my children from the unfairness in the world for as long as I can.

But, Riley, he learned how unfair life is at the age of three.

I look at how tiny his fingers are when I do a sugar test, and I hate this disease.

I see him trying to hold back the tears when I change his needle. He’s trying to be so brave. He shouldn’t have to. And, I hate this disease.

I see the look of pleading on his face when his sugar is low. He’s looking for me to help. All I can do is sit and hold him and kiss his head until he feels better. And, I hate this disease.

I watch other kids pick up a snack or a piece of candy and pop it into their mouth without a second thought. They didn’t have to ask their mom if it was OK. They didn’t have to prick themselves with a needle first. And, I hate this disease.

Yes, I hate this disease. But, as much hatred as I have for it and as intense as it is, it doesn’t even scratch the surface of how much I love my little boy.

And, because of that, I know that everything is going to be OK.

I will always hate diabetes, but at the end of the day the love that I have for my child wins out.

I watch him pretending to be a Jedi and my heart overflows with love.

I see his chest rise and fall as he's sleeping and I'm so thankful to have him at all. And, my heart overflows with love.

I watch him run to first base and after he gets there he turns to me and waves. And, my heart overflows with love.

Diabetes thinks it has the upper hand, but it's wrong. It can make me hate, it can make me curse, and it can make me cry. But, it cannot take away the love that I have for my child.

Love trumps diabetes every time.

Sadness

A 17 year old boy at Holden's high school was killed in a car accident on Friday. I can't get it out of my mind.

I didn't know the boy very well, but have spoken with his parents before. Holden was not friends with him. But, he goes to a small private school. All the kids there know each other.

I am just so sad for his family and his friends. Holden said it was a rough day at school today and that most of the kids couldn't take it and left early.

I can't imagine what his parents must be feeling. And, kids that age think they are invincible. This is a harsh wake up call for them.

There was a girl in the car with him that sustained some minor injuries. He was killed instantly.

When I found out about the accident on Saturday, Holden was at work. As soon as I could I went to see him. I just felt the need to lay eyes on him and give him a hug.

So, if you would, please keep this boy's family in your thoughts and prayers. And, hug your kids a little tighter.

Fat cat

This is Sally.

We just got her yesterday. Her owner was an older man who passed away. She didn't have anyone to take her. Someone went by to feed her every day, but she was all alone in the house. I couldn't stand the thought of that.

She is a very big girl, weighing in at 15 pounds. She's also very loving and follows Riley every step he takes.

I think she's going to have to go on a diet. The extra weight can't be good for her.

Is there such a thing as kitty weight watchers?