It's All Good

I didn't shed one tear yesterday. It's strange, but I always seem to do that. The days leading up to the actual event are worse than the actual event itself.

Holden played a great game last night, one of his best all year. And, the icing on the cake was that we beat our conference rivals. It couldn't have been a better ending to a home season. Of course, basketball isn't over yet. He has a game tonight and then a tournament next week. Hopefully, we will move on and play at the state level also.

I'm surprised at how well I did. I didn't feel myself tear up at all. I just smiled the whole time and thoroughly enjoyed the game. Even after the game when I got a sweat-laden hug from Holden I did just fine. He hugged me and said "It's been fun." And, all I could say was, "Yes, it has."

Riley is back to his old self again. He's not having any more tummy issues and he's back to eating me out of house and home. His sugars have returned to normal, or normal for having Type 1 diabetes. He hasn't had the lows he was having. And, if he's gone low it's come up like it should with treatment. So, I guess it was just a nasty old virus that just had to run its course.

And, last but not least, I was tagged a while ago by Jill to list six things that make me happy. I'm not going to tag anyone but if you'd like to play along, by all means, please do.

1) Being a mother. There is nothing like it. Sometimes I can look at my boys and my heart feels like it's going to burst with love. And, it's not just having my kids, but all the other stuff that comes along with being a mom. I love the games and practices. I even like the homework. I like anything that involves spending time with my kids.

2) Sleep. Yep, just plain old, every day, run of the mill, sleep. I guess it's because I don't get much of it. Holden slept through the night from the time he came home from the hospital. He would wake occasionally for a bottle and go right back to sleep. But, not my Riley. He did not sleep from day one. I tried everything, rocking, singing, crying, praying. None of it worked. He just WOULD NOT sleep. He'd lie for hours and just stare up at me. I'd put him in his crib and lay my hand on him and he'd stay quiet. But, as soon as I removed my hand off of him he'd start crying again. Around the time he turned 3 he started sleeping through the night. 5 months later he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Now he sleeps through the night, but I still don't.

3) A good song. There is something about a good song that lifts my spirits. Most of the songs like that are ones with an up beat. Some of the songs I can think of that seem to make me happy no matter what are: Billy Jean by Michael Jackson, Love Shack by the B52s, Kiss by Prince, and Respect by Aretha Franklin. There are plenty others.

4) A clean house. I love to have a clean house. It just seems like all is right with the world when the house is clean. But, I'm glad I don't get all my happiness from a clean house because then I would be a very unhappy person, especially during basketball season.

5) Reading. I love to read. I went through a several year period where I did little to no reading. I just did not make the time to sit and read. I have recently started going to the library and checking out books to read. I love to sit with my feet propped up on the couch and read.

6) Foot rubs. Early on in my marriage I used to get them on a regular basis. When I was pregnant with Riley I got one every night. I haven't gotten one in a while. Maybe that's what I'll get for Valentine's Day. (Hey, Michael, are you reading this? A foot rub is free and it makes me happy. )

Have a great weekend everyone!

Senioritis

I am emotionally spent. I cry at the drop of a hat and that is just not like me.

This senior year stuff is hitting me pretty hard. It's been in the back of mind since school started in August. I've been able to keep my emotions at bay for the most part. But, on senior night when all his class stood together flanked by their parents and the announcer said, "I present to you the class of 2009", it hit me like a ton of bricks.

There will be several lasts over the next few months. Followed closely by some firsts.

I guess I've put off thinking about it as long as I can. There are things that have to be done now, college dues that have to be paid, open houses that have to be attended.

Tonight is Holden's last home basketball game. I tear up just thinking about it. He's played on that court for the last 6 years. I played on the same court when I was his age. When he steps off the court for the last time tonight I know I'll be a ball of tears.

My baby is growing up and there's nothing I can do about it.

I know he's ready. He's a good boy with a good head on his shoulders. But, I'm not ready for him to grow up just yet. I'd like to keep him at home for a few more years.

His graduation invitations arrived last week, his cap and gown a few weeks before that. He has picked out the college he will be attending and the enrollment has been paid. I have been researching apartments that he might be able to rent with a friend. (He is insistent that he does not want to live in a dorm with a stranger. Plus, living in an apartment is almost as cheap as a dorm.) The FASFA has been sent in. We've applied for several scholarships.

All this stuff adds up to one thing, preparing my boy to leave home. Like I said, he's ready, I'm not.

Last night while Holden and Michael were at practice I was flipping through the TV. I found an old 20/20 episode that looked pretty good. It was about a 16 year old girl who was pregnant and was giving her baby up for adoption. The episode showed her interviewing couples and trying to decide which one to give her baby to.

I cried the entire hour. I was trying to eat supper and would get straight long enough to chew and swallow only to start sobbing again.

I was 16 when I got pregnant with Holden, 17 when I had him. I am so blessed that I was able to keep him and raise him as my own. I am blessed that I had parents who helped support me so I could stay in school, get a college education, and raise my boy.

I kept looking at that 16 year old and crying. She didn't have a choice. She didn't have her parents support. She had no way to raise a baby on her own. But, she loved him before he was ever born, just I like I did with Holden. I can't imagine having to give him over to someone else.

I can't imagine how much different my life would have been had I not had Holden. I truly believe I would be a whole different person, and not a better person either. Having Holden has shaped me into the person I am today. I'm a little crazy at times, but I didn't turn out too badly.

I know the parent is supposed to shape the child, and I have in some ways. But, he's shaped me too. He taught me what true unconditional love is. He taught me how to put someone else first. He taught me to be tough no matter what. He made me fight for things that I never would have without him.

There was a time when he was my whole life, my whole reason for breathing. He gave me a purpose. He still does.

Seeing that 20/20 special last night made me realize something. Yes, he'll be leaving for college in a few months and yes, I will miss him terribly. But, I am so blessed to have had him in my life to begin with.

I will still cry tonight when he steps off that court, but through the tears I will smile.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

What A Week

Last week started out with an ear and eye infection for Riley. But, instead of running up his sugars he had lows that just would not come up.

He finally went back to school on Thursday. I really didn't want to send him. He still wasn't feeling all that great but there was no reason for him to stay home other than his screwy sugars. Being that he has Type 1 and screwy sugars come with the territory, I sent him.

I wrote a note to his teacher explaining what had been going on and that I needed to be called before Riley got insulin because I was giving him less than what the pump suggested. Also, I let her know that he wasn't really eating all that well.

Instead of being low he ran high all morning. He was 300 at lunch. I thought maybe the lows had passed. The teacher got Riley to give his insulin. Turns out she pre-bolused him and he didn't eat everything. Rather than calling me and asking me what to do she just let it go. So, of course, he was low a few hours later. He got juice and fruit snacks and actually came up this time.

Riley went to school again on Friday. His teacher called me before lunch and said that he didn't want pizza ( which is what he had ordered, Didn't want pizza? He must be sick.) She said she'd gone over the menu with him and he wanted a ham and cheese sandwich instead. She called to ask me the carb amount.

A couple of hours later (right after lunch) I got another call. (I was at a different school on Friday doing vision screenings. My cell would not pick up there so the teacher kept having to call me at the school. I'm sure the people there were wondering what was going on.) She said that Riley had accidentally dropped his pump and his site had come out. She wasn't sure if it happened before or after he'd received his lunch insulin. (The lunch insulin she'd given the full amount of without calling to check first to see how much to decrease it like I had asked.)

I had to leave and go to school to put in another site. When I got there I asked Riley if he dropped his pump before or after he gave his insulin. He said after so I assumed he got his lunch insulin. I found out his sugar was 84 at lunch. The teacher gave him the full amount of insulin (even though I had ask that she call me first). After the site change I checked his sugar. It was 134. I knew that he still had plenty of insulin on board from lunch. Plus, he tends to go low after a site change. So, instead of the usual 60% decrease I decreased his pump 80% and prayed.

At 2:30 I got another call from the teacher. Riley had been low for an hour and a half. He had gotten up to 83 at one point only to drop down in the 60s again. I had finished the vision screenings and was on my way home any way. She said they were having a pep rally and she was going to take Riley to that so I could pick him up in the gym.

On the way to the school I called his endo. She wasn't in the office so I called her cell. When she answered I quickly told her everything that had been transpiring over the last week and told her I was at the end of my rope and didn't know what to do next. I know I sounded like a blubbering idiot the way the words rushed out of my mouth.

She said that she did not know why but sometimes kids would go low like that. I explained to her that it didn't help matters that he had no appetite. She said that if he would not eat to give him sugared fluids. The key was to keep his sugar up enough that we could safely give insulin as to keep away ketones. She said that if his sugar was under 200 not to bolus for any food and if his sugar was over 200 to try only giving half the suggested insulin.

After I hung up I started to panic. I had decreased his basal 80%. Had I caused ketones? I couldn't wait to get to him and test his ketones.

I found him sitting in the gym watching the cheer leaders perform. Friday night at the basketball game was Senior night. So, just as I was arriving they called out all the Senior basketball players and cheerleaders. They called Holden out on the court. I'm not doing too well with all the Senior stuff as it is. I glanced over at Riley and he sat with a huge grin on his face. It should have made me happy, but instead I started to cry.

I started to quickly wipe away the tears hoping no one would see. Between all the low sugars and Holden's 18th birthday and the reminder that my son is a Senior and will be leaving for college next year I just couldn't take anymore.

I wanted to whisk him away so I could test his ketones but he asked to stay for the pep rally. As soon as it was over we left. I tested his ketones and they were negative. I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Like I said Friday night was Senior night. Holden, Michael, and I walked out on the court while someone announced Holden's achievements and plans for college. I did pretty well. Tears welled up in my eyes when they presented to whole class of 2009, but I never actually cried.

Riley went low again at the ballgame, but not to terribly low. That's the good thing. Even though he's been going low, he's been hanging out in the 62-78 range. At least he's not going into the 40s and 50s and staying there.

After the ballgame we had a surprise birthday party for Holden. Riley's sugar was 73. I knew that he didn't need any insulin so I let him pick out his piece of cake without worrying to eyeball it to figure out how many carbs were in it.

Now, I don't know about you other parents, but when my kid gets to eat cake, he's almost giddy with excitement. He always scarfs it down. I say he does it because he's afraid someone is going to take it away from him.

I looked over and noticed Riley's plate sitting there, the cake only half-eaten. He said he couldn't finish eating it because his tummy hurt. That had become a common complaint, and one that put my mommy sensor on high alert.

Once home his sugar was still on the low end. I had to bribe him to eat something else.

By Saturday we were still celebrating Holden's birthday. We took he and his friends out to eat and to go bowling. We ate at a Japanese steakhouse. Riley loves that place and for the most part ate pretty well. He ate quite a bit of rice. His sugar was around 170 s0 I gave him less than half of the amount of insulin suggested by the pump.

Next we went to the bowling alley. While there Riley went low, 64. I got him to drink a juice and eat a couple of pieces of candy. After the bowling alley we went for ice cream. At the ice cream shop Riley was up to 84.

I let Riley pick out his ice cream and didn't stress at all trying to figure out how many carbs were in it because I knew we wouldn't be bolusing for it anyway. An hour after the ice cream with no bolus he was 124. He stayed pretty much in range for the rest of the night.

It was nice not having to stress about the insulin and carbs, but I kept a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought I remembered reading in a blog a while ago that some one's daughter who was Type 1 started having low sugars before being diagnosed with Celiac.

I did what everyone does but shouldn't, I turned to my good friend Google. I found that the symptoms of Celiac include diarrhea (check), decreased appetite (check), irritability (check), abdominal pain (check), and the one that made me catch my breath, in those with Type 1, low blood sugars.

I kept my findings to myself for a while, but finally last night I let my fears spill out onto Michael. I told him that it was one thing that I had feared since Riley was diagnosed with Type 1. Type 1 is bad enough but when you throw another auto-immune disease into the mix that limits what foods can be eaten, it sounds almost unbearable.


So, for now, I continue to monitor Riley. I ask him at least 10 times a day if his stomach hurts. I'm keeping a log of what he eats and what his symptoms are. And, I'm praying really, really hard that this is just the effects of a bad stomach virus.

18 Years Ago Today...

I lay in a hospital bed. I was a 17 year old girl scared to death. I was terrified that I was about to become a mother. I'd never even changed a diaper before.

I got pregnant when I was 16. When I first started thinking I might be pregnant I prayed and prayed that I wasn't. I asked God to give me a second chance. But, God had other plans. He took my wrong and turned it into something beautiful.

It took me a couple of months to come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant, that there was actually a baby growing inside of me. When I was 13 weeks pregnant I was walking down the beach when my left leg started to swell and started to hurt.

The next day I went to my obstetrician who thought it could be a blood clot, but because I was so young wasn't sure. He told me to go home and if it started to swell again and got red to come back. He would have to put me in the hospital.

A few days later my leg swelled up and became very, very painful. It turned red and warm. My mom took me back to the doctor. I will never forget that ride in the car. I was terrified that something bad was going to happen to my baby. I knew that the doctor said that if it was a blood clot they would have to put me on medicine. I was afraid of what that medicine would do to my baby. I cried all the way to the doctor, clutching my stomach. I remember telling my mom that if the medicine was not safe for my baby I would not take it. Being that I was my mom's baby she told me I didn't have a choice. I prayed all the way there that God would protect my little one.

I fell in love with Holden that day, way before he was ever born.

The rural town that I lived in didn't have the machines they needed to test for a blood clot. I was sent an hour away to another hospital. I was instructed to lie down all the way and keep my leg propped up on a pillow. If it was a blood clot and it moved I could die.

When I got to the hospital they stuck me 5 times to start an IV. Then, they did an ultrasound of my leg. It turned out I had a rather large blood clot in my left leg. It was blocking a vein and ran from my groin to my knee. I was whisked away in a wheelchair. My feet would not touch the floor again for 10 days.

I was hooked up to the medicine, a blood thinner, which had to be given in my IV. I was instructed that I was to get out of bed for no reason whatsoever. At the time I didn't know how serious it was. Now that I'm a nurse I shudder when I think how close I came to dying.

I was in a teaching hospital so I saw a lot of different doctors and interns every day. One day a young looking boy came in. I'm not sure if he was a doctor , a resident, or a medical student. At some point in our conversation he mentioned that it would be "easier for me" if I just had an abortion. If I had an abortion then my blood clot would go away. My little 16 year old self sat up in bed and told him to get out of my room and never come back. My mom went to the nurse's station and told them he was not allowed to come back in my room. I never saw him again.

After 10 days of lying in bed I was finally free to go home. I would have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my pregnancy. The oral medicine was not safe for pregnancy so I would have to take injections. Before I left home I was taught how to draw up and inject the medicine into my stomach 4 times a day.

A few days after discharge my leg started to hurt again. I went back to the doctor. My mom had realized that the strength of the blood thinner they had given me from the hospital pharmacy was wrong. It was too weak. My blood clot had come back and I was admitted back into the hospital for three more days.

Once home and on the right strength of medicine, I returned to school. I was a junior in high school. Since I was on my injections 4 times a day, I would enter a bathroom stall at lunch and take my shot. In addition to that I had to set my clock for 1:00 every morning and get up and take my shot and go back to bed. The medicine I was on, Heparin, was very unstable and had to be monitored closely. I had to go to the hospital every other day (including Saturdays and Sundays) and have my blood drawn. Since I was on blood thinner my arms were terribly bruised. I joked that I looked like a drug addict.

At some point early on I began to bleed. Once again my mom drove me to the hospital and I clutched my belly and cried and prayed for my little baby. It turns out my blood was way too thin and I was bleeding out in my urine, but my little man was OK.

Looking back now I wonder how we ever survived. I know it is only by the grace of God that I lived through it all and got the wonderful son that I did. I also believe everything happens for a reason. Up until my blood clot I didn't really think about my baby much. But, once he was threatened my Mama Bear instincts kicked in and I protected him with all I had. God took that opportunity to show me how important my son was. I went through a lot to get him here and once he was here I was so grateful to have him that I would do anything for him.

And, now, eighteen years later, I am so thankful that God chose me to be Holden's mom. I couldn't have asked for a better child if I'd have ordered him from a catalog. He has been a joy to me since the day he was born. I know that sounds like I'm stretching it a little, but I truly mean it.

He has always been strong and mature beyond his years. He has a good head on his shoulders and I'm often told by people how nice and respectful he is. He is a good boy. He makes good decisions. I am pleased with the people with which he has chosen to surround himself.

He is one of the only kids in his class who holds down a job as well as attending school and playing sports. He has awesome grades. He will be attending college in the fall with plans to become a physical therapist.

I could not be prouder of him. God has done a wonderful job molding him into the fine young man that he is today. I am just glad He let me come along for the ride.

Happy birthday, Holden. I love you with all my heart.

The Longest Hour and 34 Minutes of My Life

Thank you guys for the well wishes. Riley is feeling better, but he's still home from school. If it wasn't for diabetes he probably would have gone to school today.

He's been having some crazy lows, lows that just refuse to come up. And, because he doesn't have much of an appetite it's hard to get him to eat or drink to bring them up.

Since he was diagnosed I have not been as scared as I was last night. He'd had a few sugars in the 70s and upper 60s at my mom's yesterday. They would come up with treatment but not much.

Holden had a basketball game last night. Riley was feeling pretty good and I didn't want to miss Holden's game. He only has a few left. We ate supper at the school. At supper Riley's sugar was 219. It was the highest it had been in a while. He still didn't have much of an appetite. He ate half of a cheeseburger and a cupcake. I put the carbs and sugar in the pump and gave him less insulin than what the pump suggested since he'd been going low so much.

An hour later he came to me and told me his sugar felt low. It was 49. He hasn't gone that low in a while. I got him to drink a juice box. I decreased his basal. And, I coaxed him to eat some chocolate chip cookies (because I knew he still had plenty of insulin on board from supper). He wouldn't eat all of the cookies because he didn't have much of an appetite.

20 minutes later he was 66. I suspended his pump and gave him another juice box. 20 minutes later, 77. I didn't give him anything else right then because I figured he would continue to rise a little bit from the two juices and cookies. 17 minutes later he said his sugar felt low again. (He had been lying down in the bleachers the whole time). His sugar was now 64. I didn't know what else to do except give him a 3rd juice box.

By this time he was beginning to complain of a full tummy. I'm sure all that juice sloshing around didn't feel so great. 15 minutes later he was 65. At this point it had been an hour since he was 49. All this time Holden's game was going on. I was barely able to pay attention to any of it.

I started to debate about using Glucagon but he wasn't too terribly low and I knew he wouldn't need a whole dose and I really didn't know how much to use. Plus, I didn't want to deplete his reserves in case he needed them later for a really, really low. So, I coaxed him to drink another juice box. Poor thing, it was all he could do to choke it down. I had to beg him to finish it.

15 minutes later he was 68. I know that's not a terrible sugar, but anything with an 8 in front of it would have made me feel better. He had been low for so long. I pulled out some fruit snacks. I got him to eat two of them before he started gagging and saying he felt like he was going to throw up.

I began to pray that he wouldn't throw up. I don't know what I would have done then.

20 minutes later he was 83. I finally started breathing again. He was able to keep everything down.

From the time he was 49 until he got up to 83 was exactly 1 hour and 34 minutes. He had consumed 76 g grams of carbs. He usually doesn't eat that many carbs in two meals combined. He had never ever come close to doing anything like that. I don't know what in the world happened.

I braced myself for the high that I knew was coming. I was thinking he'd most certainly reach the 300s and maybe even the 400s. The high never came.

30 minutes after the 84 he was 83. An hour later he was 162. I finally unsuspended his pump. 35 minutes later, before I tucked him into bed, he had dropped to 133. I decreased his basal. He ran at a decreased basal the majority of the night. He finally reached 233 at 4 o'clock this morning. I was actually glad to see it.

His sugar at breakfast was 145. 3 hours later it was 51. I had him drink yet another juice box. 20 minutes later he was 70. I made him lunch. For lunch he ate stew beef and rice and yogurt. He ate pretty well. But, fussed about having to eat all the yogurt. (He has to eat yogurt to try and combat the icky side effects he's having from the antibiotics he's taking.)

I put the carbs in the pump (45g) and put in a sugar of 60. I gave him less insulin than suggested by the pump.

As I was writing this I realized I should probably check him again. One hour after his insulin he's 65. What in the world is going on?!? He has .67 units of insulin on board. He's drinking another juice box and I've suspended his pump again.

I'm hoping we won't have another episode last night. Where has his liver been while all of this was going on?

(edit: 20 minutes after the 65 he was 63 and ate an Air Head. 25 minutes later he was 67. He is now munching on fruit snacks that he complained about having to eat. He usually loves fruit snacks. His pump is still suspended.)

Real People Sick

Riley started throwing up around 12:30 Saturday night. It is only the second time in his life he's ever thrown up.

He got it all over his bed and covers so I threw those in the washer, Michael cleaned off the mattress, and I fixed Riley a spot on the couch. He continued to gag off and on, so Michael dragged our mattress out into the living room so we could keep a closer eye on him.

A few hours later he threw up again. I worried about lows, but he stayed pretty stable. First thing in the morning I brushed up on my sick day rules. Not only was this Riley's second time throwing up, it was his first time throwing up with diabetes in the mix.

He did OK for most of the day on Sunday. That was until lunchtime. He hadn't been sick on his stomach any more, but he just didn't want to eat. I finally got him to eat half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You'd have to know Riley to know how strange that is. He has always been a big eater. He eats every single bite on his plate 99% of the time and then asks for more.

He refused to eat supper. I finally coaxed him into eating some apple sauce, but that's all I could get in him. He had taken a nap earlier in the day, which is also very out of character for him.

A little while into the Super Bowl he complained that his ear was hurting. I also noticed that one of his eyes was draining a little bit. I gave him some Tylenol for his ear. About an hour later he was lying on the couch crying and holding his ear. I gave him Ibuprofen and put the heating pad on his ear. He would lie still for a little while and then all of a sudden grab his ear and start to cry again. Eventually, the Ibuprofen kicked in and he took another nap.

This morning he went to the doctor. He has conjunctivitis and an ear infection. He's on an antibiotic and eye drops. He still does not have an appetite.

He's real people sick. This sickness has nothing to do with his diabetes. Yet, it affects it.

Because he's not eating much that's making his sugar go on the low side. And, we all know that to prevent ketosis he needs to get insulin in him. It's hard to get insulin in him when he won't eat.

After supper (he ate a few spoonfuls of spaghetti o's and a Reese's cup) we played a few games on the Wii. Then he lay down on the couch and went to sleep at 8 o'clock. Again, you'd have to know Riley to know how strange that is. He's not big on sleep. On school nights it's a struggle to get him in bed by 9.

Now, I'm sitting here trying to decide what the best route is to take so as to prevent nighttime lows. I want to let him sleep. His body is obviously tired. I don't think that even if I woke him up he'd eat a snack. I'm going to decrease his basal and go from there. I'll have to get him up at some point and check his ketones (they were small at one time but didn't last too long).

It's going to be a long night.

50+ Questions

I found these questions on various places around the blogasphere. Feel free to play along if you'd like and let me know if you do. I'd like to read your answers.

1. What do you add to your coffee? Sweet n’ low and milk

2. What are you reading now? Killer Weekend by Riddley Pearson and When Mother’s Pray by Cherri Fuller

3. Do you own a gun? Nope, never have, never will.

4. Are you registered to vote? Yes and always exercise my right to vote that people fought and died for

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I don’t like them but if I’m really, really hungry I can eat one.

7. Favorite Christmas Song? O, Holy Night

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee

9. Can you do push ups? Doubtful, I’m too lazy to even try.

10. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? I was in 1st grade and his name was Mitch.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelery? Other than my wedding band/engagement ring it’s a jade ring that my aunt gave me when I was 16. My grandparents (her parents) gave it to her when she was 16.

12. Favorite hobby? Reading

13. Do you work with people who idolize you? Um, no I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone idolizes me.

14. Do you have ADD? No

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? Have a hard time just relaxing and enjoying myself.

16. What’s your Middle name? Technically it’s my maiden name, but the middle name that my parents gave me is Elizabeth

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. When will my head ever stop hurting? Will Holden be able to practice tonight? How will Riley's sugars be at school today?

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. cheeseburger, french fries, Mello Yellow

19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Mountain Dew , Crystal Light (or generic brand), grape juice

20. Current worry right now? Holden's knee

21. What side do you dress to? I don’t really know. I think either. (not even really sure what that means)

22. Favorite place to be? Home on my couch

23. How did you bring in the New Year? Home on my couch with my husband and Riley. Holden was in the other room with his girlfriend but came in to give me a kiss just after midnight.

24. Where would you like to go? To a tropical island, but one that doesn’t have a lot of people on it

25. Name three people who will complete this. Don’t know

26. Whose answers do you want to read the most? No one in particular.

27. What color shirt are you wearing? It’s a nursing scrub shirt: white background with different colored hearts on it.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Couldn’t tell you, I’ve never done it.

29. Can you whistle? Yep

30. Favorite colors(s)? purple, yellow, green

31. Could you be a pirate? I’m too honest to be a pirate and I like bathing too much.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t sing in the shower. I sing in my car, but it’s whatever song is on the radio at the time.

33. Favorite girls name? Lane and Savannah

34. Favorite boy’s name? Michael, Holden, Riley

35. What’s in your pocket right now? Cell phone, pack of gum, an antibiotic I need to take after I finally eat something

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Holden, it’s usually always Holden. The kid cracks me up.

37. Best bed sheets as a child? I don’t remember exactly. I’ve seen pictures of me sitting on a bed with Raggedy Anne sheets though.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? I broke my hand playing basketball my senior year of high school.

39. Do you love where you live? It’s OK. What makes it the best is it’s where my family (parents, grandmother) live.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Three, horrible, I know.

41. Who is your loudest friend? Judy

42. How many dogs do you have? One, Grace. She’s a pound dog. She’s nine.

43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Doubtful

44. What are the most fun things you ever did? Family vacations.

45. What are your favorite books? The Fountainhead, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Bible

46. What is your favorite candy? Reese’s cup

47. Favorite Team? Chicago Cubs

48. What songs do you want played at your funeral? It Is Well (With My Soul)

49. What were you doing at 12 AM? Trying to get to sleep

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? How lucky Michael was that his work had a one hour delay this morning.

51. Have you ever received an award? I received plenty of awards in high school. I received most of them for good grades. I don’t remember all of them. I remember receiving a Chemistry award for having the highest grade in Chemistry when I was a junior. I received a few sports awards for basketball too. At different times I received “Most Improved”, “MVP”, and “Best Offensive Player”. I haven’t received any awards since high school that I can think of.

52. How many browser tabs do you have open right now? five

53. Share a website with us. www.cutethingslaughing.com

54. Look at the wall to your right, what is on it? two windows, my front door, a shelf with a picture of Michael and I at our wedding on it and a candle.

55. Have you ever rescued/taken in a stray animal? Too many I’m afraid. The last one was a little kitten who we named Tom who was sick and had diarrhea all over the place. We took him to the vet and got him well and then he ran away.

56. When I say "Moo I'm a duck" do you think of a cow or a duck? a cow with a duck’s bill

57. If the Pillsbury Dough Boy got into a fight with Mrs. Butterworth who would win? And would anybody get hurt? Mrs. Butterworth would kick his butt. The Pillsbury Dough Boy is such a little mamsy pamsy. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Butterworth would put a hurtin’ on him (sorry, southern expression)

The Number

By the time we arrived at Dr. M's office yesterday I had had decided that whatever "the number" was I'd deal with it and move on.


We went through the usual routine. Riley was weighed and he had his height measured. Then he pricked his finger and the blood was sucked up into something that looks like it should be part of his lego Star Wars collection.



Then, we waited. I wasn't really nervous. I knew there was no need to be. I knew his A1C wasn't any better. I was just hoping it wasn't any worse.


Dr. M walked in and gave me a tight little smile. I knew then that the number wasn't any better.



She went through the usual stuff. She asked about Riley's health and our family's health. She talked with Riley for a little while. She asked him if he was eating like he wanted to. He replied that he was. She asked him if he'd had any lows lately and he nodded his head. She asked what he did and how did he feel when he was low.



Her last questions was: "Riley is there anything that diabetes keeps you from doing that you want to do?"




His reply: "Nope."




This brought a little smile to my face.




Then, she looked at me and Michael. "His A1C is 7.9." I felt the tears build up behind my eyes. "Which that is in range for his age. It's under 8.0. But, I'd like to see it lower."




"Me too", I said. I had stifled the tears. There was no reason to cry. It wouldn't do any good. Plus, I didn't want Riley to see me cry.




She sat about looking at his sugars over the last two weeks. She saw the lows. But, there were also plenty of highs.



It's not like he was on the lower end all day and then dipped down too low. Usually, he was high and then went low.




Over-correction? Maybe. Diabetes just being it's sucky self? More likely.




We sat in her office over an hour with her pouring over his logs. She asked a million questions.




What does he usually eat? Can we add a little protein here? How often is school calling because of his sugars?




Riley had not gained any weight since his last visit. She looked back and said average weight gain in a year was about 5 pounds and that since last December Riley had gained exactly 5 pounds. She said we couldn't come back at the next appointment without him gaining any weight.




She suggested feeding him a little more food throughout the day. She asked where we thought we could add some carbs. She looked at his log and saw that his carbs were, by far, the lowest at breakfast. "Why don't we up his carbs here? You can give him more cereal."




I gave her a wary eye. I'm not big on low carb eating for my kid. But, over the years I have learned that the only way for Riley to have decent sugars in the morning is for him to eat lower carb at breakfast. By that, I mean he usually eats around 25g carbs at breakfast.



"I guess we can try it." But, I'm sure the way I said it Dr. M knew I was very skeptical.



She poured over his logs again. She saw his mornings numbers and decided that we shouldn't mess with the morning carbs.

I said, "How about this? How about I feed him when he's hungry?"



She smiled. "That sounds good. A lot of times in the most structured families this gets forgotten."



Sometimes Riley will come to me and tell me he's hungry. I often make him wait until it's "time for him to eat". Now, I'm not. If he's hungry, he eats. If it's an hour before dinner, he can have an apple to get him through.



I know it sounds horrible. But, for the sake of the numbers, I would give him some sugar free jello (no sugar, no carbs, no calories), which I'm sure did nothing for his hunger. Or, I'd let him eat a cheese stick. Again, when I'm hungry I don't want no stinkin' cheese stick.


In the midst of the diabetes and the numbers I forgot that he's a growing little boy.


So, after over an hour Dr. M made a few basal suggestions, but not many. She was almost just at stumped as me. Besides, now that he's having these lows, his basals need to be decreased some. And, with an A1C of 7.9 it's hard to decrease anything. It's not that I changed basals right before his appointment either. The last basal change was about 2 weeks ago.



"These lows come at very random times. It's hard to see where to tweak his basals"



"Tell me about it," is all I could say.



Before we left Dr. M told me to see what I could do with his basals and if I got frustrated to call her. She could at least listen and understand my frustrations, she said.


As I stood up to leave Dr. M said something that reminded me why we make a 6 hour trek to her office every three months.


I was pulling on my coat as Riley quietly played with toys in the corner.



Dr. M said, "Mom, turn around and look at your son. He's happy. And, he's healthy. You've done a great job. You have a healthy, happy kid."


It's very frustrating to work so hard, to pour so much time and energy into something and not get the results you were hoping for.


But, as I turned to look at Riley I realized I do have what I was hoping for. I have a happy, healthy kid. A kid who when asked said that diabetes doesn't keep him from doing what he wants.


I've got to learn to stop focusing on the number and start focusing on the big picture.


" Not everything that counts can be counted. Not everything that can be counted counts."

Those words are on a sign in Dr. M's office. I like them and am going to try to focus on remembering that not everything that counts can be counted.

Mommy Check Up

Tomorrow is my "mommy check up". No, I don't have a doctor's appointment. Riley does.

We will make the 6 hour round trip to see his endo tomorrow. She will check his A1C. We get to see how well I've done as a mother of a child with diabetes.

His last A1C was 7.8. I was very disappointed because I'd been keeping him in the low 7s. Yes, he's had a few growth spurts that made his sugars go crazy. Plus, he would spike every single day at school, usually in the 300s. But, I should have been on top of it more than I was.

It wasn't until around Christmas break when I finally reigned in some of those highs. Then he was put on Prednisone. So, he ran high again for a while.

I've started logging sugars every day and looking for trends. I've been using Kevin's excel log book again. Today I printed out the past 2 weeks worth of sugars.

At first glance they look pretty good except for Monday. We took a 4 hour trip to see some basketball games. Riley spent 8 hours in the car. Then he sat and watched basketball for about another 6 hours. I expected highs so I increased his basals. It didn't work.

Finally, I decided it wasn't a movement problem but a site problem. He'd run high for several hours before I figured it out. If we hadn't of taken the stupid trip I would have caught it earlier. I just kept attributing it to his inactivity.

Like I said, at first glance the numbers look pretty good. His blood sugar average last week was 145. So far this week it's 174 (thanks to Monday). If you take Monday out of the equation it's 145.

I wish it was that easy to just take out the numbers we don't like....

Upon closer inspection and looking at the graphs and the numbers I realized that while the 145 looked good it wasn't really. He went low 6 out of 7 days last week. 6 out of 7!!!

How did I not notice until I printed it out on paper? How did I not realize the juice supply was getting low? It's amazing how I just lived through it all and didn't really take notice. And, it's scary.

So, I'm thinking now I need to decrease some basals. I'm going to wait until tomorrow and see what Dr. M wants to do.

At least he hasn't been low today. His high for the day ( as of 7:30 PM) is 158. His low: 81. Yes, it's been a splendid day. But, the day ain't over yet....

Sorry that this post is kind of rambling. I'm a little nervous about tomorrow.

I'm hoping for an A1C less than 7.8. If it's more than that I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll probably break down crying in Dr. M's office.

I know, I know "an A1C is just a number". I've said that to others before. When I see that someone else's child has a higher A1C, I don't judge. I just say "You know what, this disease is hard and dealing with growth spurts is hard. It will get better." When I read of an adult with a higher A1C I don't judge, I just think how hard all the juggling of every day life is and how much harder it must be with diabetes thrown in the mix.

But, when it's my child....

That A1C is more than just a number. Right now, for me, that number equates to good parenting. A high one means failure to properly care for my child.

But, by the same token, when Riley's A1C was 6.6 I wasn't patting myself on the back. I was worried that he ran low too much.

Because right now a 50 is not just a number. It's making my child feel horrible. It's depriving his organs of needed sugar. It affects the functioning of his brain.

And, a 358 is not just a number. I see it as nerve/kidney/eye damage. Damage that I'm causing. Damage that I can't get back.

I'll let you guys know how things go.

A Plethora of Pictures

It's been a long time since I've posted any pictures. So, I decided to bombard you guys. Plus, I promised Chris some holiday pictures.

We'll start with the summer.

It was filled with a lot of days spent at a local beach club.

Some T-ball

Some goofiness

A trip to Ocracoke which included seeing the wild ponies.

Riley's first ride on a ferry.

Of course he went low from the excitement.

And a dip in the ocean.

October brought a "celebration" of Riley's 3rd D anniversary with a trip to the movies and Riley's favorite restaurant.

As well as Holden's last school homecoming.

Next, Holden attended Snow Ball with his girlfriend of almost 3 years, Brittaney.

Riley's school Christmas party. (notice the ever-present sugar machine)

Next, came Santa.

Riley's stuff.

Holden's stuff.

Santa's stuff (which included water for the reindeer)

Playing the Wii...

Some more gifts...

"Stop looking at me swan!"

I recently wrote of the demise of Riley's beloved fish Nemo. This was Riley's ode to Nemo.

We've been home the last two days for snow days. I've been sick both days. This morning I got up and made Riley breakfast and went back to bed. When I got up he took me in his room to see what he had done for me. And, somehow, I started to feel better.

Pumpy the 8th

Riley's 8th pump will be delivered today.


Wednesday night it alarmed that the battery was low. It was a surprise since it hadn't been that long since I'd changed it.


I removed the battery cap and pulled out another wet, soggy battery. This is the same thing that happened last time.


I cleaned out the battery compartment and popped in a new battery. I went through all the rewind/prime stuff and the pump was working again.


I tucked Riley into bed and called Animas. A few minutes later I got a call from a very nice rep. She got me to unhook Riley and go through all the trouble-shooting stuff.


She had me inspect the pump and when I did I noticed several cracks in the battery compartment. That explained the wet battery. Riley wears his pump in the bath, so water had seeped in earlier that night at bath time.


She advised me not to use the pump and to go to our back up plan. But, as soon as I was off the phone I hooked Riley back up. Unless the thing dies I'm not going back to injections.


While we may have had 8 pumps in a little less than 3 years, there has only been one that completely died and we had to go back to injections for a day.


Before the lady got off the phone she went through the instructions about how we would receive the pump and how to return the old one. I just let her talk. I didn't tell her that I was a pro at getting new pumps and returning old ones.


We've had this pump longer than any one pump so far. I looked back at my post and we got this current pump in September of 2007. We've had this one long enough that the OK has worn off of the button.


Next March it will be time to renew the pump because the warranty will be expired. I just hope this one lasts until then and there won't be a Pumpy the 9th.

(While we're on numbers, I just noticed this is my 401st post. That's a lot of complaining about diabetes.)

My List and Motivations

I have a list of things I've been thinking about or jotting down since before the New Year started. I have things I want to do. Things I want to accomplish.



I thought maybe putting them in writing here would help keep me motivated. They are not really New Years resolutions as much as they are things I want to work on. Or is that what a New Year resolution is?



Here they are in no particular order:



1) Clean out all the closets in my house and get them organized. (How am I doing? I've gotten one organized and cleaned out. It's the one in my living room. I did it before the New Year even started. It was unreal how much junk had accumulated in that one closet. When I drug it all out it nearly filled the living room. Anyway, one down, many more to go. I'm motivated though. Whenever I open the living room closet to hang up a coat I smile. It's so nice to have it organized and know exactly where everything is.)



2) Clean out/ organize my kitchen cabinets and drawers. (I haven't even started on this one yet. My motivation is the same as above. When things are disorganized it adds to my already stressful life when I try to find something I need.)





3) Manage my money better. (I've started on this one already. I threw the credit cards away a long time ago. Most of my bills are automatically deducted from my checking account so I don't even have to think about them. But, we spend way too much money on food. I've come up with a budget and am going to try to stick to it. My plan is to pay off medical bills and such so we can really save up some money. I really, really want a house of my own. I know we won't have one until I learn to actually balance my check book once in a while. So far I have a budget and I've stuck to it. I even balanced my check book today. I've stopped using the debit card except for gas. Every thing else I pay cash. It makes it easier to keep up with everything. My motivation is saving for a house.)



4) Get Riley's A1C to 7.0% or less. (His last A1C was 7.8 which is the highest it's been in a long time. We've been as low as 6.6 before and I'd love to see that number again. I've already started on this. I have started logging his sugars at least every other day and making basal adjustments every 3-4 days or so. I've gone back to using Kevin's log sheet. I used it a long time ago, but just got out of the habit somehow. Seeing those sugars on a graph and pie chart really help me narrow down where I need to make adjustments. We see the endo again on the 23rd. I don't plan to see much of an improvement by then. But, by the next appointment in April I want to be well on the way to a 7.0. My motivation, of course, is a healthier Riley.)



5) Take a trip with Holden. (I've looked into a few things I think he might enjoy, but money is a factor, especially since I'm trying to save. I won't go into details of what I'd like to do just in case he reads this. My motivation is spending time with my big boy and getting in some bonding time before he goes away to college.)



6) Spend more time in prayer. (I've started on this one already too. I used to pray every night before sleep but often times ended up asleep instead of in prayer. I also have done little "dart" prayers throughout the day when certain things pop in my mind. Now, I have made it a habit to pray anytime I'm driving in the car. I turn off the radio and just pray. I have a prayer list and I pray for the things on that list every day. I add things here and there. Some of you guys are on that list for needs you have mentioned. I've always believed that prayer is a powerful thing. I believe that when people pray, things happen. I still pray several times a day whenever something pops in my mind. My motivation is to have a closer relationship with God.)



7) Make a chore chart and perform those chores on a daily basis. (Right now my house cleaning is mainly done on Saturdays. Of course I straighten up and do laundry every day, but the bulk of the cleaning is done on Saturday. I have a friend who cleans a different room of the house every night. This is where having a little house comes in handy. I haven't started on this one yet and probably won't until basketball season is over. My motivation is having more time to spend with my family on Saturdays.)



I think seven is quite enough. Of course, there are more things I'd like to do. I would love to lose about 20 pounds, but I really don't have the motivation for that right now. I'm trying to stick to things that are important enough to me that I know I'll at least try to do them.



As things happen I'll try to keep you guys updated.

Calling All PWD and Parents of PWD

I am working on a project and would love to get some input from you guys, the ones who live with Type 1 diabetes on a daily basis.

I want to know what you wish the school nurse knew. What would you like for them to know about you and your child? For those with diabetes what do you wish they knew about you?

I would also love to get some personal stories from parents or kids (or you guys who used to be kids with diabetes that are now adults with diabetes.) Do you have any good stories about your school nurse? Any bad ones?

Thanks for any input you can give me.

Please send me an email with your comments: pennylane5001@embarqmail.com

I may have more detailed questions in the future. Right now I'm looking for the direction I should take with my project.

Thanks for your help.

Goog Bye Old Friend

Last night after I tucked Riley into bed I asked Michael to go in and feed Nemo, Riley's fish.

Michael went into Riley's room and a few moments later I heard Riley crying. It wasn't his usual cry. This cry seemed more urgent.

I jumped up off the couch and ran into his room. When I got there I saw Michael with Riley in his arms. They were both looking at the fish bowl.

Nemo had died.

Riley got him for his birthday almost 3 years ago. His bowl stayed in Riley's room and Riley would talk to him from time to time.

I know it sounds strange, but Nemo was like part of the family. Anytime you went into Riley's room he'd swim over to the side of the bowl as if to see what was going on. If you got close enough sometimes he'd puff himself up to make himself look all big and bad.

Riley cried for a good solid 30 minutes last night. When his dad flushed him down the toilet Riley insisted on watching. When he sobbed, "Goodbye Nemo", I lost it.

I wasn't so much crying over the fish as I was crying because Riley was upset. I will miss him though.

Why We Blog

I was sitting in a meeting today with other school nurses.

The nurse next to me leaned over and said that her daughter is in daycare with a little girl who is on a pump.

She said the daycare told her that the little girl's sugar was in the 400s and the mom said to give her insulin and that was it.

The nurse went on to say that if it were her child she would have taken her to the ER.

It took all I could muster not to rip her a new one.

All I did was sneer at her and say, "It happens."

It's all I could say. I was so mad but, she's a co-worker and I do actually like her so I just let it go.

I think I might ask the lead nurse if I can do a little presentation to the school nurses about Type 1 diabetes.

If a nurse feels this way imagine what the teachers at Riley's school must say behind my back. He was in the upper 300s two days in a row at school .

I don't really know where I'm going with this and I don't really know what to do about it. Maybe we could all gather the whole world together and let them know?

I guess blogging is the closest we can come to that.