Thursday, February 15, 2007


Riley had been running high for a while. He would come down a little with insulin, but not as much as I thought he should. He woke up with a sugar of 222 this morning. That’s pretty unheard of for him. But, he had lasagna for supper last night, so I chalked it up to that.

I arrived in the office at 12:30 and picked up the phone to call my mom. Her first words were, “He’s still high.” I told her I’d be there soon to change his site. I’d rather be safe than sorry.

I got to my mom’s, sat down on the couch, and called over Riley. I pulled out his old set. I couldn’t find anything wrong with it. It looked fine to me.

I filled the cartridge with insulin and tapped out all the bubbles. Then, I went to prime/rewind on his pump menu and hit “OK”.

I scrolled up to “rewind”. It flashed across the screen “FULL REWIND REQUIRED”. Every so often, his pump requires that it rewind the whole way. His pump will hold 200 units. Riley only uses 9.5-10 units a day, so there’s no need to fill it all the way. I usually only rewind to about 75. It doesn’t take as long that way.

As I sat there listening to the whir of his pump and watching the arrows flash on the screen, I thought, “Hmm, why didn't God give us a rewind button?"

What if I could rewind back to before Riley had D, back to when life was simple?

I really don’t remember what life was like before Riley got diabetes. I don’t remember not thinking about what he ate or when he ate, or even if he ate. I don’t remember not getting up two or three times a night to check on him. I don’t remember going to work and not calling my mom all day to check on him.

It’s a defense mechanism I guess. It helps to take some of the sting out of it.

The whirring stopped and I heard a beep and my attention was again returned to the pump. I primed it and swabbed the area with IV Prep.

I cocked the inset and held it up against Riley’s skin. He flinched as the spring released and delved the needle into his flesh. I held it there a few seconds and pressed down a little. Then I pulled back on the device. And, out came the needle and the canula with it. “Darn it!!!”, I shouted. It didn’t stick.

I got a tissue and held it to where the blood was trickling out. It seemed to take forever to stop bleeding.

Then, I went through the routine again with a new set. Placed it against the skin, deep breath, released the spring, and, this time it stuck.

I bolused for his lunch he had just eaten and cleaned up what was left from the site change. Then, I leaned over and gave Riley a kiss on the cheek and explained that I had to go back to work.

He looked at me and said, “Now I’m going to go low.”

“What did you say?”

“I’m going to go low.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because sometimes when you change my needle, I go too low.”

He’s right. It’s just something that happens. A 60% decrease in his basal for 3 ½ hours and a decrease in his meal bolus usually does the trick. But, he still usually has at least one time during that day that he has to have fruit snacks to keep him from going too low.

As smart as he is and as proud as I am that he knows this, I turn away as the tears well up in my eyes.

“It’s just so unfair!”, I think to myself. “He shouldn’t know that! He shouldn’t have to worry about things like that!”

But, he does.

And, now, I know why God doesn't give us rewind buttons.

I don't know how Riley got this disease or why. If I were to go back in time, it wouldn't prevent him from getting it, it would just delay it.

To fully get rid of this disease a full rewind would be required.

And, I'd rather have the Riley with the carbs and the pump and the midnight needle sticks than to have no Riley at all.


Laura said...

Great Post, Sometimes id like a rewind button , sometimes i dont

cassandra said...

remembering what things were like before... i have absolutely no clear memories of life before d. or rather, i probably do have memories of times before i was ever diagnosed, but don't associate them with "pre-d" times. a rewind button, i would like though. mostly just for things i could have controlled though, like not testing as much as i should have when i was a teenager. sure would like to rewind back to then, and test for the delinquent irresponsible me. lol.

Shannon said...

Riley is perceptive!!

Brendon is going through the same high number thing. Changing his set and adjusting his rates don't help.

I'm hoping it's a growth spurt that will pass by soon.

Sandra Miller said...

Amazing boy you have there, Penny.

He's already seeing the patterns.

You know, when I read what you wrote about remembering what life was like before Riley got diabetes, it dawned on me that this remembering is probably making things more difficult for us.

Joseph had almost nine years without diabetes (versus two and a half with the disease). Also, he has an extraordinary memory (he can recall events from when he was two!).

Yes, we've grown accustomed to our "new normal." And though I know that soon enough his years with diabetes will outnumber those without, we're not there yet.

And sometimes that really hurts.

(Just realized I sort of rambled on this one, but your post really got me thinking... )

MileMasterSarah said...

Yes. You are so right. Yes. I go to a group for families with kids with special needs, and even though all of us has a much different life from families with out these special needs, we wouldn’t give back the child just so we didn’t have all that extra. It’s worth it. It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. In fact, aren’t most things that are “worth it” hard? Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel the same way. I’d rather have my kids with their struggles than not have them at all.

Carey said...

I hear ya. I so hear ya. It's really shitty what our kids go through. Really shitty.

Paige said...

I think about the rewind, too. "Just two and a half weeks ago, everything was different." It's tough.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Great post Penny. A rewind button. Yes.