Friday, February 23, 2007

I screwed up

I screwed up.

I’m not surprised. It’s not the first time I’ve screwed up, and unfortunately, it won’t be the last.

But, I screwed up when it comes to Riley's diabetes and it is tearing at my heart this morning.

I know it’s not really that big of a deal. I’m trying not to dwell on it. The whole reason I’m writing this post is to get it out and hopefully move on. It really amazes me how writing about an experience helps me to move on and not dwell on it.

Last night at supper Riley’s sugar was 116. Excellent.

He had some meat, spaghetti Os, french fries, and some ketchup. I counted his carbs twice and bolused for 25 grams.

At 9:30 last night, he wanted a snack. I checked his sugar. It was 351.

I looked at Michael, “Hmm, I wonder how that happened.”

I checked his needle, checked his tube for bubbles, and found everything to be in working order. I just chalked it up as "one of those things".

I bolused. He went down. He had a snack. He went to bed. He went low (69) twice during the night.

This morning at my mom’s I was logging his sugars and what he ate last night.

I started writing down, “french fries, ketchup, spaghetti o’s” . Then I started thinking. “Wasn’t there something else?”

Then it hit me. He had a roll. He ate a roll and got no coverage for it, 15g of no coverage.

Well, that explains the 351.

His average sugar yesterday was 164. Not bad for a four year old. But, I averaged his sugar without the 351 and it was 145. I like that better.

So, now, I’m beating myself up for miscounting his carbs. I know things like this happen. I know it won’t be the last time I do it. And I know in the grand scheme of life it didn't make that much of a difference.

But, I’m supposed to protect him. And, I’m the one who ran his sugar up last night. It was me. Not his insulin or a kink in his cannula or some weird unexplained cosmic thing. Me, me, me.

It just scares me. Number one, that I could just forget to bolus for something. Number two, it scares me what not bolusing for one roll did to his sugar.

Seeing what the miscount in carbs did made it more real to me somehow. It’s strange. I can’t really explain it.

It just sort of reinforced to me how dangerous this disease really is. And, how important it is to stay on top of it 24/7.

Maybe I needed to be reminded of that.

15 comments:

Danny said...

From what I can tell (I've been reading for a few weeks now), you are doing an amazing job. One night you get a reading over 300? It happens. My son gets readings like that occasionally, and worse. It's really impossible to get it right all the time, especially with young children.

I'm guessing that you have great HA1Cs. My son's most recent HA1C was 8.2, and the endocrinologist was very happy. We have many times when we don't calculate right, or the reading is much worse than 350... Earlier this week, I met a teenager with type 1 diabetes whose most HA1C was 13.

Please don't beat yourself up. Your child is extremely fortunate and blessed to have a parent like you.

George said...

Penny, you are such an awesome mom and caregiver. If a "high" reading was taken care of the way you did then you are doing a PERFECT job.

That is as perfect as you can get with the "D" and I think you are doing great.

I do understand what you mean about it being "more real" with a scary situation. I think when you see how quickly things can change it is terrifying. But you check the BG, you correct, and you move on to the next meal.

Hang in there, you are doing great!

Carey said...

Go easy on yourself. It happens. And as you say, it may happen again. We have done the same thing. We've also almost given insulin to the wrong child back when Charlie had needle injections. It's not easy managing this very complicated disease on very little sleep.

I think it's important to accept that we can't be superhuman all the time. I haven't accepted that either, but ...

it sounds as if you're as superhuman as one can possibly be in your management of Riley's diabetes.

Vivian said...

Oh Penny you are such a great mom. We all screw up but it is ok because Riley will know that he is not expected to be perfect either. It just is not possible. I am glad overall he is doing so well, focus on that. These moments do leave you feeling like you have just been shaken not stirred. Big hugs.

Paige said...

I gave Olivia her morning dose of insulin the other evening, instead of the night. I thought I was going to lose it...but I just had to go on and try to manage what I had done.

Mistakes are going to happen; our response is what matters then. You did all that you could to fix it.

I think you are doing a great job.

Bernard said...

Penny

Don't worry about it. The best thing you can do is show your son how to deal with the D when things go wrong. And I think you're doing a great job of that.

Things go wrong, even when you get the carb counts just right. Don't forget that while you're his Mom, you're also human. So remember to forgive yourself when things go wrong. That will also teach him to do the same when he gets older.

Keith said...

A 235 mg/dl spike seems like an aweful lot for a 15 gram mis-calculation. Maybe there was something else going on too. Pre-illness maybe? Just a thought.

I too think your a great mom doing a great job.

Sandra Miller said...

As everyone else has said-- please go easy on yourself. You're doing a beautiful job caring for Riley.

But you are human.

And Penny, we all make mistakes.

Keep in mind that even when we do everything "right," there's still no guarantees. Perfection with this disease just doesn't exist.

We just have to do the best we can, and if we make a mistake-- forgive ourselves and move on.

I know, easier said than done-- especially with such high stakes.

But I don't think we can do anything else and stay sane.

Hang in there.

Rachel said...

It happens. Mistakes are made.

But you have to remember the times when you do everything right and it still comes out to those 351s.

And the times where you realize quickly that a mistake was made, but all is well anyways.

It all happens.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Penny,

I'm sure you do feel bad about it - but as has already been said, don't fret too much about it.

Things happen. One of the things that diabetes has taught me so far is to be adaptable. We roll with the punches!

And hey - at least you were able to actually identify something that may have caused that spike! Isn't that better than not knowing why (which is certain to happen too!)?

Wendy L. Morgan said...

How funny! I just wrote a post last night about how I handle counting my daughters carbs when she had a freind over for pizza. Please check it out, you are a good mom and are doing the best you can. Good is good enough!

Julia said...

I've done that, too. More times than I can count.

But it might not have been all the fault of that one roll. Pasta can do weird things to O's sugar and it varies from one time to the next, which makes it one of those evil foods I try to avoid.

Don't beat yourself up too much. If I told you all the mistakes I've made over the years, you'd call DSS on me. ;-)

Nicole P said...

Penny - I second third and fourth what's been said by all these others. Please don't beat yourself up. You're doing a GREAT job. :) Nicole

justme said...

From what I have read you are doing a great job. An awesome job.

Penny said...

Thank you, everyone for your nice comments. They really helped me a lot.

I know it's impossible to be perfect especially when it comes to diabetes care. If it was me who was being affected it wouldn't be so hard.

But, it's my son....

Anyway, I hope to have a new post in a couple of days (including pictures)detailing our latest adventure.