Sunday, December 18, 2005

The Vow

We attended a candle light service at church tonight. It was really nice and I had to choke back tears the whole time. I've been a little emotional lately. That's one of things about Riley having diabetes. Some days I think "Well, this isn't so bad. I can handle this." Then there are other days that even when his sugars are OK, I just feel sad. I don't know why. I think sometimes I just suck it up and trudge ahead, and then some days it hits me that you can never let up, never forget that he has diabetes. Never, really just be.

But, looking at Riley tonight, with the candlelight on his face and singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" just a few words behind everyone else. As I was holding back the tears, I suddenly realized that it was almost Christmas and I had almost not even realized it. I've let diabetes consume my life. My little boy is so excited about Christmas and I'm just worrying over what pump to chose. So, tonight as I was looking at Riley and thinking how blessed I am that he's mine, I made a vow. I thought I was doing OK living as normal a life as possible, but I was wrong. I made a vow to make diabetes a part of my life, not my whole life. We'll see how it goes.

1 comment:

Sandra Miller said...

Oh Penny,

I'm sending one huge hug.

This is all so new to you and your family. And, I'm sure you're still grieving the loss of your son's life without diabetes. And every holiday, every day that has special memories attached, intensifies the pain of that loss-- because Riley wasn't diabetic last Christmas, last New Years... It's just so damn hard.

But you are doing beautifully. You're doing everything you can to ensure Riley has the best possible insulin therapy. AND (as every word in this post illustrates) you love the heck out of that wonderful little boy. I have no doubt that you will be able to fulfill this vow.

Penny, it will get better. Not perfect. But much, much better.