There are so many things going on in my brain this morning. So much to think about.
The last few days have been very rough as far as diabetes is concerned. Riley had a set change on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and early this morning. Sunday, his needle came out while he was using the restroom. It was due to be changed Sunday, so not a big deal. I wanted to change it after he went swimming, but it was OK.
Monday he started out at 121, which was nice. By lunch he was 304. Not good, but these things happen occasionally. He got a correction and a bolus for lunch, but his sugars were still in the 300s (385, 342). I looked at his needle, but didn't really see anything wrong. Later, when I went into the bathroom with him to test his ketones (which were small), I noticed blood in the tube. Michael was working, so we went to my mom's house so she could change the needle. Then, I must have over corrected because he was down to 54 a little while later. Then, 128 and 183. He ate an unusually large amount of food, most of it being carbs. He got the largest bolus he's ever gotten, 2.0. He then spiked up to 315 then 364. A correction brought him down to 272. But, then he went back up to 290, 289, 291. He just wouldn't come down even though we were correcting him. And, this was in the middle of the night when we usually wouldn't correct so much. Eventually, Michael just went ahead and changed the set. He didn't come back down until lunch time and then was 125, 197, 171, 133. OK, now everything was back to normal.
That was until 9:30 that night when he spiked up to 331, he got a correction and 2 hours later was 352. By this point I've had about all I can take and Michael is about to pull his hair out. What in the world is going on? I've increased his nighttime basals already, but it hasn't seemed to make any difference. An hour later, he's 364. How, how, how? I just don't understand. His set looks perfectly fine. But. he's not coming down, again, even with corrections. So, Michael did another set change and another correction. In an hour and a half, he's 190. He woke up at 146 this morning.
I just don't know what's going on. With the exception of the set with blood the other sets have looked perfectly fine when they came out. The insulin is brand new. But, it couldn't be the insulin because his sugars have been fine during the day. It's just the nighttime that his sugars spike up, not just a little, but a lot. I'm going to wait a day or 2 and increase the nighttime basals again. Has it really been the sets or is the honeymoon over? There are so many reasons why his sugar may go up. How do you know which one is the culprit? And, how long must Riley endure these high sugars until I figure it out? I swear if he spikes up again tonight, my head just may explode. I'm just so emotionally drained right now.
It seems that whenever I get the least bit comfortable, just when I think everything is going to be OK, diabetes has a way of slapping me in the face and waking me back up to reality.
As much as I want Riley to have a normal life and as much as I want to fool myself that everything is fine, it's not. It is not fine. It is not normal. It is stressful and draining and a burden that he must bare on his own one day. I try not to think about that often, the future. I just try to live in the present.
But, today, all I can think is one day Riley will be up at 2 AM changing his set in a sleepy fog wondering what in the world he could have done differently. Worrying about what affects these sugars are having on his kidneys and his eyes. And, knowing there's really not a darn thing he can do, but take what life has dealt him and go on.
I am crying so hard now I can barely see the keyboard. I haven't cried about diabetes in a while. It's just so hard. It's just so damn unfair. I know things could be so much worse. But, sometimes I just can't help but think why did this happen to my baby. Why? Why? Why? But, no matter how many times I scream it, there is never an answer.
When I started this post I had some hope. I was actually a little excited. I had just received a response to an email I sent last week. I now have a location for my Lee Iacocca walk. Now, I can start planning. Now, I can ask others to join the team.
Now...I can hope again. I can look to the future and see, not complications, but a cure. A cure for my baby and all the others who live with this disease every day.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
My Opinion
Because I said I would let you know my feelings about the whole "should people with D have kids" debate, here it is.
When I first clicked on the link (debating the issue) I got angrier and angrier with each comment I read. Then, a few hours later I calmed down enough to think rationally.
First, I felt sorry for the person who said that they would have rather not been born than to have diabetes. It's just my opinion, but from reading their comments, they probably would have felt that way about themselves even without D.
Then, I realized I wasn't upset because someone may decide not to have child because they are afraid to pass diabetes onto them. That's a personal decision for them to make. I realized what upset me so much is that people were telling other PWDs what they should and shouldn't do. How dare they say my child shouldn't have children. It's really none of their business whether he has children or not. That's Riley's decision to make with his future spouse.
I made the decision not to have any more children the day that Riley was diagnosed. I came to this decision because I didn't want to take the risk of having another child with D. I didn't make this decision because I think that there are enough people with D in the world. I made the decision because I couldn't imagine taking care of another child with D. So, my reason was purely selfish.
But, if I knew before I got pregnant that Riley would get D, I still wouldn't have changed a thing. I can't imagine my life without him, diabetes and all.
And, just because I don't want to risk having any more children with D doesn't mean I think other mothers shouldn't do it. Like I said before, it's a personal decision.
So, to those of you out there who feel like people with D shouldn't have children, just worry about your own life and leave them alone. I'll say pass a law to prohibit people with D from having kids as soon as one is passed saying ignorant people can't procreate either.
When I first clicked on the link (debating the issue) I got angrier and angrier with each comment I read. Then, a few hours later I calmed down enough to think rationally.
First, I felt sorry for the person who said that they would have rather not been born than to have diabetes. It's just my opinion, but from reading their comments, they probably would have felt that way about themselves even without D.
Then, I realized I wasn't upset because someone may decide not to have child because they are afraid to pass diabetes onto them. That's a personal decision for them to make. I realized what upset me so much is that people were telling other PWDs what they should and shouldn't do. How dare they say my child shouldn't have children. It's really none of their business whether he has children or not. That's Riley's decision to make with his future spouse.
I made the decision not to have any more children the day that Riley was diagnosed. I came to this decision because I didn't want to take the risk of having another child with D. I didn't make this decision because I think that there are enough people with D in the world. I made the decision because I couldn't imagine taking care of another child with D. So, my reason was purely selfish.
But, if I knew before I got pregnant that Riley would get D, I still wouldn't have changed a thing. I can't imagine my life without him, diabetes and all.
And, just because I don't want to risk having any more children with D doesn't mean I think other mothers shouldn't do it. Like I said before, it's a personal decision.
So, to those of you out there who feel like people with D shouldn't have children, just worry about your own life and leave them alone. I'll say pass a law to prohibit people with D from having kids as soon as one is passed saying ignorant people can't procreate either.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
What's your opinion?
Today I was reading this, which I found on a link on Kassie's blog. I had read Kassie's post a couple of days ago already, but this post by Tiffany got me to revisit it again.
The first time I read Kassie's post, I didn't click on the link because,well, I was trying to avoid getting upset.
I have tried to avoid controversial posts since this one that I wrote in January. I received a couple of not so nice emails because of my views on the subject. But, I just can't let this subject go by without saying something.
But, for now, I'll refrain from telling you what I think and listen to what you think. Should people with Type 1 D have children of their own, knowing that they could pass on the genes to their children?
If you've read my posts before you probably know how I feel about this, but then again maybe some of my thoughts may surprise you.
(Side note to Sassy. If you are reading this, thank you for mentioning me in one of your posts. I couldn't figure out how to email you, so I'll just thank you here.)
Monday, July 17, 2006
A ( not so gentle) reminder
Holden has had allstar games this week. Yesterday was a marathon day. We arrived at the ballpark at 12:45 PM. Holden's game started at 2 PM. They won that game so we had to wait around for another one, that didn't begin until 5-5:30.
During all this time, Riley played in the dirt. He ran around kicking a soccer ball. He played in some water. Because of all the running around, when another little boy came up with a sucker and Riley wanted one, he was able to have not only one, but two throughout the day. His sugars were great.
He ate a hot dog at the game. When the game ended at 7:30, we went to a restaurant to eat. Riley had already had one supper, but he ate again. Actually, he ate a lot. This supper included a cupcake and a few M & M s (M & M s were given prior to the meal due to a sugar of 65). Still, one hour after supper (even though you're told not to test that soon after a meal), he was 228. Not bad at all.
During all this time, Riley played in the dirt. He ran around kicking a soccer ball. He played in some water. Because of all the running around, when another little boy came up with a sucker and Riley wanted one, he was able to have not only one, but two throughout the day. His sugars were great.
He ate a hot dog at the game. When the game ended at 7:30, we went to a restaurant to eat. Riley had already had one supper, but he ate again. Actually, he ate a lot. This supper included a cupcake and a few M & M s (M & M s were given prior to the meal due to a sugar of 65). Still, one hour after supper (even though you're told not to test that soon after a meal), he was 228. Not bad at all.
We finally got home around 9:30 PM. It was time for his usual bedtime snack time. His sugar was 138. Too low for bedtime. Also, he had 0.20 units of insulin on board from supper. So, he got an uncovered snack, like he does most nights.
After Riley had gone to sleep, I commented to Michael about how great Riley's sugars had been. I should have just kept my big mouth shut. I told him how it was so nice that he could have the suckers, cupcake, and M & M s like a normal 4 year old. And, by "normal", I don't mean Riley is "abnormal", but if you have a child with D you know what I mean.
I read it on other blogs and I've said it myself: "People with Type 1 D can eat whatever anyone else can, they just have to cover it with insulin". While this sounds great in theory, it's not entirely true. Yes, they can eat what everyone else eats, but no matter how hard you try and how vigilant you are about giving what you think is the right amount of insulin, their sugars are going to be affected. You may get it just right some times, but there will be times where that cupcake or yeast roll just totally screw up the sugar.
Anyway, I felt good about his D and the day. When we finally went to bed around 11:30, a quick sugar checked revealed a sugar of 294. Not great, but I knew the snack would shoot it up a bit and also took into account all the extra activity during the day that was sure to drop his sugar during the night.
To be on the safe side, Michael got up an hour and a half later to check again. This time his sugar was 434!! I quickly started going through all the reasons this could be. He could have gone low and rebounded, that bite of Mac 'N Cheese he ate could be kicking in, or, of course, he could have a bad set. A check on his set revealed it was still in and there wasn't any blood in the tubing or anything else that would reveal that there was anything wrong with the set. He got a correction, but not as much as the pump suggested. We tend to be conservative with his corrections in the middle of the night, because a lot of times he'll drop very quickly and way too much. An hour later, he's 428. Hmmm, not much difference, but we really didn't give him a lot of insulin.
I made Riley crawl out of bed at 2 in the morning, so I could get him to go to the bathroom so I could check his ketones. They were OK so far, so I gave another correction. But, the next check (393) didn't indicate that any of this was working. So, out came the old set and in went a new one. We corrected again. We were conservative again because we have no idea if he received any of the previous corrections and if he did, how much he actually received. He was 292 at his next check. Then, 138. So, mystery solved, it was the set.
The times for sugar checks were 1:03 AM, 2:09 AM, 3:21 AM, 4:24 AM, 5:52 AM, and 8:01 AM. Since I am still doing everything with one hand all of the nighttime checks have become Michael's responsibility. I can check a sugar with one hand , but only when Riley is cooperating. At night, he'll sometimes close his hand or roll over and I have no way of stopping him. I have also not changed a set since my surgery. Even though I woke up with each sugar check and helped hold Riley for the set change, most of it fell on Michael. He got up basically every hour and then spent about 30 minutes doing a set change. Then, he got up and went to work in the sweltering heat all day. I can only imagine how he's feels right now.
So, that "normal" feeling quickly went out the window. I was not- so- gently reminded that my son has a chronic disease and no matter how hard I try to pretend that he's just like very other 4 year old, the fact remains that he can't be carefree about what he eats..ever.
This is one reason I'm trying to organize a local walk to raise money for The Lee Iacocca Foundation. I can't just sit back and let this disease win. I want to be able to look Riley in the eyes and tell him, I've done everything I can to get rid of this disease.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Updates
Just some quick updates since I'm still typing with one hand.
Riley had an endo appointment on June 30th. His A1C was 7.8 (whoo hoo!!). This is down from 8.1 and is a very good A1C for his age. He had lost 1/2 pound since his last visit. The endo wasn't too concerned, since he's on track to gain his 5 pounds a year that most kids his age gain. He has to have some labs drawn. We haven't done them yet because they have to be fasting. Everytime we make arrangements to go he ends up going low at night, so he has to eat, therefore he's no longer fasting. We'll get them done. She's checking his lipids, his thyroid, and the dreaded celiac disease. Dr. M doesn't think he has any problems with any of these. She's just doing it for screening purposes. Even so, I'm nervous about getting the results. Celiac is something that I've had in the back of my mind since Riley's diagnosis. I cried the other day when I read that Danielle had been diagnosed with it. These kids have enough restrictions without Celiacs thrown in too.
I had my follow up with the Dr. on Monday. My wrist is healing, but is still in a splint for another 2 weeks. So, I still can't use my left arm for a while. They took my other splint off and my hand is frozen in an awful position. When I'm finally out of my splint, I'll need 4-8 weeks of physical therapy. But, the Dr. assures me I'll be able to go back to work while doing therapy. I'm starting to run out of time off from my job. The pain is still getting better every day. I hurt a lot Monday and yesterday because the new splint kind of put my arm in a different position, but it's doing better this morning.
My mom took me to my appointment Monday and Riley and Holden went too. We had been there (an hour away) all day because Holden had a Dr's appointment that morning and my appointment wasn't until 3:00. I went into the room with the Dr. and everything seemed fine. But, when I came back out into the waiting room, I took one look at Riley and I knew something was wrong. He looked like he felt horrible. We went and bought a thermometer. His temp. was 103. He was complaining of a sore throat. His pediatrician is in the same city, so we headed there. They did a strep test which thankfully was negative. We were told he had a virus and to give him Ibuprofen or Tylenol and keep him well hydrated.
This is Riley's first illness since D. And I think it's about over. He's been temperature free for 12 hours now and his sugars are looking like they are back to normal. Because of his virus, he's been running in the 300s at times. We've been testing and correcting every 2 hours. We decided to try it that way instead of increasing the basals. Now, I need to clear all the ketones out of his system. He did well with them up until last night. They were moderate. It's hard to make a 4 year old drink when he doesn't want to, but Riley's done pretty well with it all.
Riley had an endo appointment on June 30th. His A1C was 7.8 (whoo hoo!!). This is down from 8.1 and is a very good A1C for his age. He had lost 1/2 pound since his last visit. The endo wasn't too concerned, since he's on track to gain his 5 pounds a year that most kids his age gain. He has to have some labs drawn. We haven't done them yet because they have to be fasting. Everytime we make arrangements to go he ends up going low at night, so he has to eat, therefore he's no longer fasting. We'll get them done. She's checking his lipids, his thyroid, and the dreaded celiac disease. Dr. M doesn't think he has any problems with any of these. She's just doing it for screening purposes. Even so, I'm nervous about getting the results. Celiac is something that I've had in the back of my mind since Riley's diagnosis. I cried the other day when I read that Danielle had been diagnosed with it. These kids have enough restrictions without Celiacs thrown in too.
I had my follow up with the Dr. on Monday. My wrist is healing, but is still in a splint for another 2 weeks. So, I still can't use my left arm for a while. They took my other splint off and my hand is frozen in an awful position. When I'm finally out of my splint, I'll need 4-8 weeks of physical therapy. But, the Dr. assures me I'll be able to go back to work while doing therapy. I'm starting to run out of time off from my job. The pain is still getting better every day. I hurt a lot Monday and yesterday because the new splint kind of put my arm in a different position, but it's doing better this morning.
My mom took me to my appointment Monday and Riley and Holden went too. We had been there (an hour away) all day because Holden had a Dr's appointment that morning and my appointment wasn't until 3:00. I went into the room with the Dr. and everything seemed fine. But, when I came back out into the waiting room, I took one look at Riley and I knew something was wrong. He looked like he felt horrible. We went and bought a thermometer. His temp. was 103. He was complaining of a sore throat. His pediatrician is in the same city, so we headed there. They did a strep test which thankfully was negative. We were told he had a virus and to give him Ibuprofen or Tylenol and keep him well hydrated.
This is Riley's first illness since D. And I think it's about over. He's been temperature free for 12 hours now and his sugars are looking like they are back to normal. Because of his virus, he's been running in the 300s at times. We've been testing and correcting every 2 hours. We decided to try it that way instead of increasing the basals. Now, I need to clear all the ketones out of his system. He did well with them up until last night. They were moderate. It's hard to make a 4 year old drink when he doesn't want to, but Riley's done pretty well with it all.
This bought with illness brings back memories of his last one. It was almost exactly a year ago. I know this because it happened during one of Holden's allstar games. He spiked a temp up to 103 all of a sudden. Holden's allstar games begin again today. I have vivid memories of his last illness because it happened 3 months prior to his diagnosis. I've always suspected that it was the virus that did in his beta cells.
Now, if only this virus would fix them again. If only...
Saturday, July 01, 2006
still here
just a very short post to let everyone know that i'm still alive and well. i had surgery on the 26th and this is the first time i've felt well enough to sit at the computer.
i had torn the cartilage in my wrist and that had to be repaired. but, when the dr. got in my tendon was messed up too and he had to repair that. he also had to cut a piece of bone out of my ulna. very much more painful than what i anticipated. my hand and left arm arm in a huge splint that i can't take off. my fingers are very swollen, and i can't even begin to straighten them without having immense pain. i can only imagine the physical therapy i will have to take when this is all over. but, today is the first day that i haven't been popping pain pills on a regular basis. i go back to the dr. on july 10th.
just wanted to let everyone know how things went. i'm going to try to get michael to type a real post for me sometime. this typing with just one hand is not working very well.
i had torn the cartilage in my wrist and that had to be repaired. but, when the dr. got in my tendon was messed up too and he had to repair that. he also had to cut a piece of bone out of my ulna. very much more painful than what i anticipated. my hand and left arm arm in a huge splint that i can't take off. my fingers are very swollen, and i can't even begin to straighten them without having immense pain. i can only imagine the physical therapy i will have to take when this is all over. but, today is the first day that i haven't been popping pain pills on a regular basis. i go back to the dr. on july 10th.
just wanted to let everyone know how things went. i'm going to try to get michael to type a real post for me sometime. this typing with just one hand is not working very well.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Some accolades
Holden played his last baseball game last night. It wasn't just the last game of the season, but it was his last game in that league. He has been playing in this rec. league since he was six. But, the league only goes up to age 15, so he won't be able to play there next year. It was a little sad.
I started thinking last night that he will be going off to college in 3 years. It will be here before I know it. He's growing up so fast and I'm trying to cherish every moment between now and then.
I'm so proud to be his mom. He really is a great kid. He has his moments. Sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out. He is 15 after all. But, mostly he's a good human being.
He's a very good athlete. He's really good at basketball and he's not too shabby at baseball. But, he's never cocky about it. He doesn't throw a fit when the ref or ump makes a bad call against him. I don't know if this happens in your area or not, but it happens here. He doesn't have a "I'm better than you attitude." He's confident about his playing, not cocky, and there is a big difference between the two.
They gave out awards last night. He made the allstar team. So, technically, he still has a few games to play, but it will be off somewhere else. Not in the ballpark in which he's always played. He also received a trophy for "homerun king". He and another boy tied with three home runs for the year. (One of them being a grand slam.)
The boy that he tied with is one of those kids who feels that he's such a better player than everyone else and he makes sure everyone knows it. Several people had come up to me to say they hoped Holden beat him. Now, it didn't really matter to me. I wanted him to do well. But, I'm much more concerned about his attitude. I want him to be a graceful winner as well as a graceful loser. That's what is really the most important. Besides, Holden has been playing ball with the other boy since they were 6. He is a good player and I wanted to see him get his recognition too.
I don't think I'm getting my point across very well. What I'm trying to say is that all those awards don't mean anything. While they are nice and I'm proud of him, it's the fact that he's such a nice kid that makes me the most proud.
During basketball season, we get a lot of comments from parents and coaches from other teams what a great player Holden is. Later, I'll walk by those same people and hear them say, " I don't like to watch so and so play. He just thinks he's so good." Unfortunately, you'll here these same people cheering against these kids. Once again, it comes down to the attitude on the court. It all comes down to being nice.
That's one of my pet peeves. People who are just not nice. I realize everyone has a bad day now and again, and may say or do something that they shouldn't have. Everyone screws up. But, it's the people who are just consistently mean and rude that get under my skin. Why can't people just be nice?
Sorry, I kind of got up on a soap box for a minute there. Back to Holden. I've kind of rambled a bit. He's not just a good athlete. He's also a very bright kid too. He's in the Beta Club. He ended this year with a 3.77 GPA (out of 4.0) And, that's without hardly ever cracking a book. If he would actually study once in a while, he could be a 4.0 student. He says he's going to start focusing on grades a little more next year. He has told me he wants to be a Dr. Now this is not anything I ever thought he'd want to be. When I asked him why, he said, "Because I want to find a cure for diabetes." Then, I asked why he didn't become a researcher instead. "Because I want to take care of people too."
I started thinking last night that he will be going off to college in 3 years. It will be here before I know it. He's growing up so fast and I'm trying to cherish every moment between now and then.
I'm so proud to be his mom. He really is a great kid. He has his moments. Sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out. He is 15 after all. But, mostly he's a good human being.
He's a very good athlete. He's really good at basketball and he's not too shabby at baseball. But, he's never cocky about it. He doesn't throw a fit when the ref or ump makes a bad call against him. I don't know if this happens in your area or not, but it happens here. He doesn't have a "I'm better than you attitude." He's confident about his playing, not cocky, and there is a big difference between the two.
They gave out awards last night. He made the allstar team. So, technically, he still has a few games to play, but it will be off somewhere else. Not in the ballpark in which he's always played. He also received a trophy for "homerun king". He and another boy tied with three home runs for the year. (One of them being a grand slam.)
The boy that he tied with is one of those kids who feels that he's such a better player than everyone else and he makes sure everyone knows it. Several people had come up to me to say they hoped Holden beat him. Now, it didn't really matter to me. I wanted him to do well. But, I'm much more concerned about his attitude. I want him to be a graceful winner as well as a graceful loser. That's what is really the most important. Besides, Holden has been playing ball with the other boy since they were 6. He is a good player and I wanted to see him get his recognition too.
I don't think I'm getting my point across very well. What I'm trying to say is that all those awards don't mean anything. While they are nice and I'm proud of him, it's the fact that he's such a nice kid that makes me the most proud.
During basketball season, we get a lot of comments from parents and coaches from other teams what a great player Holden is. Later, I'll walk by those same people and hear them say, " I don't like to watch so and so play. He just thinks he's so good." Unfortunately, you'll here these same people cheering against these kids. Once again, it comes down to the attitude on the court. It all comes down to being nice.
That's one of my pet peeves. People who are just not nice. I realize everyone has a bad day now and again, and may say or do something that they shouldn't have. Everyone screws up. But, it's the people who are just consistently mean and rude that get under my skin. Why can't people just be nice?
Sorry, I kind of got up on a soap box for a minute there. Back to Holden. I've kind of rambled a bit. He's not just a good athlete. He's also a very bright kid too. He's in the Beta Club. He ended this year with a 3.77 GPA (out of 4.0) And, that's without hardly ever cracking a book. If he would actually study once in a while, he could be a 4.0 student. He says he's going to start focusing on grades a little more next year. He has told me he wants to be a Dr. Now this is not anything I ever thought he'd want to be. When I asked him why, he said, "Because I want to find a cure for diabetes." Then, I asked why he didn't become a researcher instead. "Because I want to take care of people too."
Holden,
I just want you to know how much I love you and how proud I am of the young man that you have become. Know that you will make mistakes along the way, but how you handle those mistakes and what you learn from them is what really matters in the end.
You can be and do anything you want. Just stay down the path you've chosen and everything will be OK. There will be ruts in the road along the way and maybe a detour or two. But, I know that if you keep the attitude that you have now, you'll make it.
I love you and I'm so proud to say that I'm your mom.
Love,
Mama
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Low
I got home a little later than usual last night. A Dr's office called at 4:55 PM to change a patient's insulin dosage. The patient is Type II, but is on insulin. She has all sorts of mental issues and can give herself the insulin, but is not competent enough to draw it up. That's my job. I draw up a week's worth at a time and leave it in the fridge for her. Since she is on nighttime insulin, I made the trek out to her house after hours to fix her insulin.
Anyway, I called Michael and told him that supper would be a little later and asked him to check Riley's sugar in a bit to make sure it wasn't going low. He checked. He wasn't low.
Once I got home, I immediately started on supper. But, when it was about half-way done, the profuse sweating and the shaking started. And, I'm not talking about Riley, I'm talking about me. Michael was talking about something that went on at work (since school is out, he puts in pools and spas during the summer). I was just sitting on the couch and looking at him and trying to grasp what he was saying. I was sweating so much that my shirt was sticking to my back. And, my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't even untie my tennis shoes.
On a whim, I got Riley's machine. My sugar was 60. Now, how did that happen? I did skip lunch yesterday, but that's not unusual for me.
I drank some soda and by the time I got done with supper I was feeling better. But, I was so worn out. I felt like I had run a marathon. I just lay on the couch for a while.
All I kept thinking was, "Is this how Riley feels every time?" I was only 60. He's been much lower than that before. He doesn't usually act tired afterwards. Is that normal or was it just me? I really felt like a limp dish rag.
I guess I just got a taste of what Riley goes through. And, it just breaks my heart.
Anyway, I called Michael and told him that supper would be a little later and asked him to check Riley's sugar in a bit to make sure it wasn't going low. He checked. He wasn't low.
Once I got home, I immediately started on supper. But, when it was about half-way done, the profuse sweating and the shaking started. And, I'm not talking about Riley, I'm talking about me. Michael was talking about something that went on at work (since school is out, he puts in pools and spas during the summer). I was just sitting on the couch and looking at him and trying to grasp what he was saying. I was sweating so much that my shirt was sticking to my back. And, my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't even untie my tennis shoes.
On a whim, I got Riley's machine. My sugar was 60. Now, how did that happen? I did skip lunch yesterday, but that's not unusual for me.
I drank some soda and by the time I got done with supper I was feeling better. But, I was so worn out. I felt like I had run a marathon. I just lay on the couch for a while.
All I kept thinking was, "Is this how Riley feels every time?" I was only 60. He's been much lower than that before. He doesn't usually act tired afterwards. Is that normal or was it just me? I really felt like a limp dish rag.
I guess I just got a taste of what Riley goes through. And, it just breaks my heart.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
The results are in
I finally got the results of my MRI yesterday. I have torn cartilage in my wrist. The official name is a TFCC tear. I will be having surgery on June 26th. I'm not quite sure how I managed to tear the cartilage. I didn't do anything to injure it really. It just started hurting one day and instead of getting better it just kept getting worse. Now it's to the point that I can't do very much with it at all. It's been hurting about 6 weeks now.
I will be unable to use my arm at all for about 2 weeks after surgery. I will probably be in a cast that goes from just above the elbow to my fingertips. The good news is that I'm right-handed and the surgery will be on my left wrist. But, all day today I'd do something that required both hands and wonder how I'll do it when I can't use my left hand. I hate to ask other people to do things for me. The first thing I thought of was that I probably won't be able to shave under my arms. Weird, I know, but I don't want to be all furry. Of course, I'd only be furry under one arm. Michael said he'd help me shave if he has to. Ah, my knight in shining armor.
On the diabetes front, things have been very good. I'm almost afraid to write it for fear that I will jinx it or something. He's had a few highs and a few lows, but mostly he's been right on target. For example, his sugars today have been: 155, 128, 85, 167, 80, 118, 173, 143, and 103. Yesterday: 171, 101, 100, 163, 263, 87, 116, 87, 160. See, diabetes just had to throw that 263 in there to remind me who's boss. His sugars have been really good for the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it's because things are finally starting to click with the pump or if he's just honeymooning. But, I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.
I will be unable to use my arm at all for about 2 weeks after surgery. I will probably be in a cast that goes from just above the elbow to my fingertips. The good news is that I'm right-handed and the surgery will be on my left wrist. But, all day today I'd do something that required both hands and wonder how I'll do it when I can't use my left hand. I hate to ask other people to do things for me. The first thing I thought of was that I probably won't be able to shave under my arms. Weird, I know, but I don't want to be all furry. Of course, I'd only be furry under one arm. Michael said he'd help me shave if he has to. Ah, my knight in shining armor.
On the diabetes front, things have been very good. I'm almost afraid to write it for fear that I will jinx it or something. He's had a few highs and a few lows, but mostly he's been right on target. For example, his sugars today have been: 155, 128, 85, 167, 80, 118, 173, 143, and 103. Yesterday: 171, 101, 100, 163, 263, 87, 116, 87, 160. See, diabetes just had to throw that 263 in there to remind me who's boss. His sugars have been really good for the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it's because things are finally starting to click with the pump or if he's just honeymooning. But, I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.
Friday, June 09, 2006
He can tell
One of the hard things about having a young child with diabetes is that they often cannot tell when they are low. Whenever Riley has been low, I ask him how he feels so hopefully he will start identifying that feeling with a low sugar. He usually says his "head feels funny" and a few times he's said he's cold.
I had gotten to where every once in a while I'd ask if his head felt funny and reinforce with him that if his head does feel funny that he needs to tell us so we can check his sugar.
I had my MRI on Saturday. Afterwards, we went to lunch. We were sitting at the table waiting for our food. Riley was playing a game that was on the table. All of a sudden he looked at me and said, "I think my sugar is low. My head feels funny." I quickly checked his sugar and it is 59. Low indeed.
I was so happy that he did this. We let him pick out a small toy and told him how proud we were that he told us that he felt low. A couple of days later I asked him, "What happens when you're sugar is low?" Without missing a beat, he looked up at me and grinned when he said "I get a toy?" Ok, maybe the toy wasn't a good idea. I explained to him that the toy was a one time deal and why it's important to tell us when he feels low. And that he needs to have food to bring his sugar up. I was thinking maybe it was just a fluke that he told us.
But, he's done it twice since then. He was 79 on Tuesday. I only checked his sugar because he said he felt low. Then another time, he told me he felt low and he was in the 90s. So, maybe it's not a fluke.
If he is starting to sense his lows, it's a really big deal. Hopefully, he won't have many lows, but if he does it's comforting to me that he may be able to tell us.
I had gotten to where every once in a while I'd ask if his head felt funny and reinforce with him that if his head does feel funny that he needs to tell us so we can check his sugar.
I had my MRI on Saturday. Afterwards, we went to lunch. We were sitting at the table waiting for our food. Riley was playing a game that was on the table. All of a sudden he looked at me and said, "I think my sugar is low. My head feels funny." I quickly checked his sugar and it is 59. Low indeed.
I was so happy that he did this. We let him pick out a small toy and told him how proud we were that he told us that he felt low. A couple of days later I asked him, "What happens when you're sugar is low?" Without missing a beat, he looked up at me and grinned when he said "I get a toy?" Ok, maybe the toy wasn't a good idea. I explained to him that the toy was a one time deal and why it's important to tell us when he feels low. And that he needs to have food to bring his sugar up. I was thinking maybe it was just a fluke that he told us.
But, he's done it twice since then. He was 79 on Tuesday. I only checked his sugar because he said he felt low. Then another time, he told me he felt low and he was in the 90s. So, maybe it's not a fluke.
If he is starting to sense his lows, it's a really big deal. Hopefully, he won't have many lows, but if he does it's comforting to me that he may be able to tell us.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Dr's appointments
I finally broke down and went to the orthopedic Dr. about my wrist yesterday. It has just been getting worse and worse. It is killing me right now. He narrowed it down to one of four things: a ganglion cyst (but not likely), tendonitis (but not too likely), torn cartilage, or a torn TFCC ligament. It has been established that it's not bone or nerve related. So, I go tomorrow for an MRI of my wrist. I've never had one before. Holden had one 2 years ago due to a knee injury. We just finished paying for it about 2 months ago. Now I get to start paying on mine.
He told me to wear a brace except when I sleep (but I took it off to post...shhhh don't tell anyone). I think the brace makes it hurt worse really.
Riley went to his pediatrician today for a yearly physical. He's average height and weight and above average with his vision and hearing. He's also above average with his developmental skills. I always knew he was smart.
The office is the same one we went to the day he was diagnosed with diabetes. When I walked in the front door it kind of caught my breath. Memories from that day came flooding back. We went back and Riley was weighed and measured. Then, we went into a room. I had some forms to fill out and the nurse said she was going to take him down the hall and do his vision test. As he was walking away, I heard him say to the nurse, "I have diabetes, you know...." I couldn't hear any of the rest. I got a huge lump in my throat. Just to hear him say those words. He just said it so matter- of -factly.
It really didn't go as badly as I thought. The Dr. was interested that he has a pump. He knew it wasn't the work of the local pediatric endo., since he doesn't like the pump. He didn't ask to see his sugars. I'm glad. People that don't live with it don't understand that his sugars will be high sometimes and there's really nothing you can do about it. He did ask what his last A1C was and when I told him 8.1, I quickly added that it was in range for his age. I guess I just wanted him to know that he's doing OK.
And, he is OK, diabetes or not. That's what's really important.
He told me to wear a brace except when I sleep (but I took it off to post...shhhh don't tell anyone). I think the brace makes it hurt worse really.
Riley went to his pediatrician today for a yearly physical. He's average height and weight and above average with his vision and hearing. He's also above average with his developmental skills. I always knew he was smart.
The office is the same one we went to the day he was diagnosed with diabetes. When I walked in the front door it kind of caught my breath. Memories from that day came flooding back. We went back and Riley was weighed and measured. Then, we went into a room. I had some forms to fill out and the nurse said she was going to take him down the hall and do his vision test. As he was walking away, I heard him say to the nurse, "I have diabetes, you know...." I couldn't hear any of the rest. I got a huge lump in my throat. Just to hear him say those words. He just said it so matter- of -factly.
It really didn't go as badly as I thought. The Dr. was interested that he has a pump. He knew it wasn't the work of the local pediatric endo., since he doesn't like the pump. He didn't ask to see his sugars. I'm glad. People that don't live with it don't understand that his sugars will be high sometimes and there's really nothing you can do about it. He did ask what his last A1C was and when I told him 8.1, I quickly added that it was in range for his age. I guess I just wanted him to know that he's doing OK.
And, he is OK, diabetes or not. That's what's really important.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Mixed emotions
Tonight at church Riley asked me if I had any gum. When I told him no, he asked my mom the same. Another woman at church heard what he said and started digging into her purse for some gum to give to him. She called him over and before he took the gum he looked at her and asked, "Is it sugar free?" She assured him it was and he put it into his mouth.
Tears welled up in my eyes. Because I was so proud that he thought to ask...and because he had to ask in the first place.
Tears welled up in my eyes. Because I was so proud that he thought to ask...and because he had to ask in the first place.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Adventures in Swimming
We are members of a local beach club. Yesterday was our first time going there this year. I was a little nervous in the beginning. This was Riley's first time going swimming since his diagnosis.
On the way there, Michael and I were discussing what we should do. Should we leave the pump on? Should we take it off and disconnect and keep a check on his sugar and reconnect to bolus him occasionally? I didn't really like the second idea. Michael said he liked the idea of disconnecting him so the pump wouldn't bother him. Riley piped up. "I don't want to take my pump off. I want to keep it on." Well, that settled it then.
So, that's what we did. He kept it on. Thank God for waterproof pumps. And, he did fine. Upon arrival at the beach he was 156. He got a snack (because it was time for one) and off he went into the water.
A little while after getting into the water, I pulled out his pump and looked at it. Still working...nice. At supper time, he was 202 (his highest sugar of the day, I might add). He didn't go back in the water after that, but was still running around quite a bit. A little while later when Holden went to get ice cream Riley got some too. At the time, he was 165. Two hours later he was 123. Have I mentioned how much I love the pump?
I told Michael at one point yesterday that we did all that debating about leaving the pump on or taking it off. But, if Riley was still on Lantus, we'd be trying to decide when to feed him to keep his sugars from dropping. I don't know about you, but we've never had good luck with that. We always shoot his sugars up too high. I am so thankful that we have the pump and can stop his basal all together or just decrease it a bit.
He ran a little low during the night, but that was quickly remedied with a few fruit snacks. Some people drop low during exercise and some after. Riley tends to start dropping a few hours after any extra activity. We've now learned that if Riley has a particularly active day, we need to drop his nighttime basal a bit. The next time he goes swimming that is what we'll do and see how it works. It's just trial and error like everything else with diabetes.
So, that's how our first swim of the year went. We had a really great time and I look forward to going back soon.
And, Happy Memorial Day to you all! Let's not forget the men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice so that we and others could be free.
On the way there, Michael and I were discussing what we should do. Should we leave the pump on? Should we take it off and disconnect and keep a check on his sugar and reconnect to bolus him occasionally? I didn't really like the second idea. Michael said he liked the idea of disconnecting him so the pump wouldn't bother him. Riley piped up. "I don't want to take my pump off. I want to keep it on." Well, that settled it then.
So, that's what we did. He kept it on. Thank God for waterproof pumps. And, he did fine. Upon arrival at the beach he was 156. He got a snack (because it was time for one) and off he went into the water.
A little while after getting into the water, I pulled out his pump and looked at it. Still working...nice. At supper time, he was 202 (his highest sugar of the day, I might add). He didn't go back in the water after that, but was still running around quite a bit. A little while later when Holden went to get ice cream Riley got some too. At the time, he was 165. Two hours later he was 123. Have I mentioned how much I love the pump?
I told Michael at one point yesterday that we did all that debating about leaving the pump on or taking it off. But, if Riley was still on Lantus, we'd be trying to decide when to feed him to keep his sugars from dropping. I don't know about you, but we've never had good luck with that. We always shoot his sugars up too high. I am so thankful that we have the pump and can stop his basal all together or just decrease it a bit.
He ran a little low during the night, but that was quickly remedied with a few fruit snacks. Some people drop low during exercise and some after. Riley tends to start dropping a few hours after any extra activity. We've now learned that if Riley has a particularly active day, we need to drop his nighttime basal a bit. The next time he goes swimming that is what we'll do and see how it works. It's just trial and error like everything else with diabetes.
So, that's how our first swim of the year went. We had a really great time and I look forward to going back soon.
And, Happy Memorial Day to you all! Let's not forget the men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice so that we and others could be free.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Another reason to hope
Thanks to Kassie over at noncompliant, I want to share this article with you.
You know, I've never given up hope for a cure. I begin every day with a prayer before I even get out of bed. I find it's a nice way to start the day. That prayer ALWAYS includes a petition for a cure for diabetes. I also believe that a cure for diabetes (Type I) will be a stepping stone to find a cure for other auto-immune diseases, such as MS.
Even though my day begins with a prayer for a cure, I don't really think about it much more the rest of the day. I go about counting carbs and bolusing insulin as if Riley will always have to do that too.
But, I realized Monday that my hope isn't just for a cure, but for a normal life for Riley. I know it's possible. I read plenty of blogs on the subject. But, on Monday, it just seemed more real for me.
Holden's school held their annual athletic banquet Monday night. One of the teachers at the school has Type I D and wears an insulin pump. She was taking up tickets at the door. She knew Riley was getting a pump and quickly pulled out hers to show to Riley and he showed her his pump. But, that's not what got me.
She is also a cheerleading coach and had to get up in front of everyone to give out trophies. As she was standing there talking, it dawned on me how normal her life is. She has a good job. She has a husband and two daughters. She was Holden's 5th grade teacher. At the time, I didn't know she had D. She didn't get the pump until after she had Holden in her class. I noticed it one day on her waist. Being a nurse, I knew what it was. That was before Riley ever got D.
Then, there is a boy in Holden's class with D. He plays basketball and soccer. He got MVP for soccer. I just looked at him and realized that Riley will have a normal life. It will be his kind of normal. But, isn't that how everyone's life is? My life is my kind of normal.
I've always known that Riley can have a normal life. As I said before, I've read plenty of blogs about it. But, they are my cyberspace friends. I know they exist, but they just don't seem as real.
We had a meal before the presentation of awards. And as I was dosing Riley, I was thinking that there were two other people there doing the same thing. And to them, it was no big deal. It was just part of life. And that was very comforting to me. It just got me thinking that while Riley may always have diabetes, everyone will not always see him as a diabetic. One day he will be a father. He'll have a profession. Diabetes will hopefully be far down on the list of things associated with him.
You know, I've never given up hope for a cure. I begin every day with a prayer before I even get out of bed. I find it's a nice way to start the day. That prayer ALWAYS includes a petition for a cure for diabetes. I also believe that a cure for diabetes (Type I) will be a stepping stone to find a cure for other auto-immune diseases, such as MS.
Even though my day begins with a prayer for a cure, I don't really think about it much more the rest of the day. I go about counting carbs and bolusing insulin as if Riley will always have to do that too.
But, I realized Monday that my hope isn't just for a cure, but for a normal life for Riley. I know it's possible. I read plenty of blogs on the subject. But, on Monday, it just seemed more real for me.
Holden's school held their annual athletic banquet Monday night. One of the teachers at the school has Type I D and wears an insulin pump. She was taking up tickets at the door. She knew Riley was getting a pump and quickly pulled out hers to show to Riley and he showed her his pump. But, that's not what got me.
She is also a cheerleading coach and had to get up in front of everyone to give out trophies. As she was standing there talking, it dawned on me how normal her life is. She has a good job. She has a husband and two daughters. She was Holden's 5th grade teacher. At the time, I didn't know she had D. She didn't get the pump until after she had Holden in her class. I noticed it one day on her waist. Being a nurse, I knew what it was. That was before Riley ever got D.
Then, there is a boy in Holden's class with D. He plays basketball and soccer. He got MVP for soccer. I just looked at him and realized that Riley will have a normal life. It will be his kind of normal. But, isn't that how everyone's life is? My life is my kind of normal.
I've always known that Riley can have a normal life. As I said before, I've read plenty of blogs about it. But, they are my cyberspace friends. I know they exist, but they just don't seem as real.
We had a meal before the presentation of awards. And as I was dosing Riley, I was thinking that there were two other people there doing the same thing. And to them, it was no big deal. It was just part of life. And that was very comforting to me. It just got me thinking that while Riley may always have diabetes, everyone will not always see him as a diabetic. One day he will be a father. He'll have a profession. Diabetes will hopefully be far down on the list of things associated with him.
And, that's not the only thing that happened at the athletic banquet. May I present to you the Most Valuable Player in JV basketball.....
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
A Happy Birthday Indeed
First, I want to start this post by thanking everyone for their comments. I also wanted to clear up something. This blog is my outlet. I take out my frustrations here. I share my heartaches here. Sometimes I share my joys here. I don't want anyone to think I'm doom and gloom all the time. Riley has never seen me cry over his diabetes. Ever. He doesn't hear me talk about the negative things. That's why I love this blog so much. It's really surprising how therapeutic it is to write out your feelings.
I could see how someone might read my blog and think, "Oh, that poor mother. She seems so sad all the time." Well, that's not me at all. I know I'm blessed. But, when I have those few bad days it helps so much to talk about it here. Instead of Riley hearing it, you get to hear it. Thanks for listening.
Now, on to the birthday. It was a beautiful day here Saturday. The weather was perfect. We had an outside birthday party. It was just close family (and Holden's girlfriend and her brother). We had grilled hamburgers, potato salad, and baked beans.
We also had a Spongebob cake...
His sugars were excellent all day. The pump was a big part of that. Because he was more active than usual his basal was decreased by about 50% all day. I was thinking about before when he was on Lantus and how differently the day probably would have gone. Not that his sugars would have been horrible, but just that he'd probably have to stop and eat snacks throughout the day, to combat the lows. But, he didn't need the snacks. Just a little adjustment to the basal and he was on his way.
I could see how someone might read my blog and think, "Oh, that poor mother. She seems so sad all the time." Well, that's not me at all. I know I'm blessed. But, when I have those few bad days it helps so much to talk about it here. Instead of Riley hearing it, you get to hear it. Thanks for listening.
Now, on to the birthday. It was a beautiful day here Saturday. The weather was perfect. We had an outside birthday party. It was just close family (and Holden's girlfriend and her brother). We had grilled hamburgers, potato salad, and baked beans.
We also had a Spongebob cake...
...which Riley enjoyed very much (along with his ice cream)
His sugars were excellent all day. The pump was a big part of that. Because he was more active than usual his basal was decreased by about 50% all day. I was thinking about before when he was on Lantus and how differently the day probably would have gone. Not that his sugars would have been horrible, but just that he'd probably have to stop and eat snacks throughout the day, to combat the lows. But, he didn't need the snacks. Just a little adjustment to the basal and he was on his way. He got some great presents. He especially liked a tee ball set he got, and the rubber chicken he got from Uncle Frank.
Here he is on his new swingset.
He also got another present he's been enjoying quite a bit.
Meet Nemo....
Riley has had the best time feeding him and talking to him. When we get home in the afternoons, he goes in his room and asks Nemo how his day was. Riley tells me that Nemo says he plays on the computer when we're not home. "But, he makes sure he doesn't get any water on it."
It really was an almost perfect day. And, the icing on the cake, so to speak, was Holden's home run that he hit at his ballgame that night.
It was one of those hits that as soon as it left the bat, you knew it was going over. The ump estimated that had it not hit the lightpole it would have gone all of 400 ft. I'm glad it hit the pole. The area behind the field is woods, so had it not hit the pole and bounced back in we wouldn't have gotten to keep the ball.
Saturday was more indicative of how our everyday life is. There are days here and there that get me down. But, most of our days our like this one, a home run hit out of the park.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Some more "firsts"
What is it about "firsts" that make me crazy. I don't consciously think about it, but when the day comes, I'm a blubbering idiot. We had two "firsts with diabetes" in a row. Riley's birthday, his first with D, was on Saturday. Then, mother's day was the very next day.
I did pretty good on his birthday. There was so much other stuff going on that I didn't have time to think about it all, I guess. Plus, he was having so much fun.
But, mother's day, that's another story. It probably didn't help that due to Riley's increased activity on Saturday, he ran low most of the night. Not too low, but low enough to get me up to check his sugar more often. Then, at 6 AM, he was 71. Too low. This was after his pump had been suspended for 3 hours already. He gets a snack and wakes up at 249. A great start to mother's day.
I was just so sad all morning. I had so much to be thankful for, I knew, but still this first mother's day with D was upsetting me for some reason.
Then, it was off to church. It was nice. We have people place carnations in the sanctuary in memory or honor of their mothers. I got two. One from Riley and one from Holden.
Of course the sermon was about mothers. As the preacher is going on about how wonderful mothers are, I'm biting my lip trying not to cry. He goes on to say that real mothers are very protective of their children. They'll do anything to keep any harm from coming to them. OK, I'm about to lose it in the middle of church.
Riley had gone to "children's church". After the sermon ended, he came running in with this big grin on his face and a homemade mother's day card, just for me. When he handed me the card and said, "Happy mother's day. I love you." , I.lost.it...big.time.
I just started kissing him and crying. My mom was standing there and I felt bad for crying like that in front of her. I quickly got up and walked to the car. I didn't want anyone to see me like that.
Here's the thing. I'm a mom before anything else. That's not really how it's supposed to be. But, I'm being honest. I put being a good mother number one on my list of priorities. Because of that, I think I felt like somewhat of a failure on this, his first mother's day with diabetes. I felt like I had fallen down on the job. I disease has taken over my child's body. And I can't do anything about it. I can't make it go away. All the tears, all the prayers, all the sleepless nights, and he still has diabetes. And he always will. He always will. What horrible words to write. Yes, I still hope for a cure, but baring that, my child, my precious baby, will always count every bite of food he eats, will stick himself with a needle several times a day to check his sugar, will be attached to a machine 24/7. My baby is dependent on medicine to live. Without it he will die. Die. Without his insulin, he would die. I just keep typing it to try to get it to sink in.
I know him having diabetes is not my fault. I know "it's just one of those things". Cognitively I know that, but it doesn't help my heart. My heart still aches for him on a daily basis. My heart still breaks a little every time he says "Mom, I'm so glad I won't have diabetes in heaven. Do you think God will hold my pump for me?" You see, even though he knows he won't have diabetes in heaven, he still can't imagine not having his pump. It's a part of him now.
I'm his mom. I'm supposed to make him better. I'm supposed to protect him from the bad stuff. That's my job. Nothing bad is supposed to happen on my watch. But, in October, it did. And, I can't fix it. I can't make it go away. And, it just kills me.
I did pretty good on his birthday. There was so much other stuff going on that I didn't have time to think about it all, I guess. Plus, he was having so much fun.
But, mother's day, that's another story. It probably didn't help that due to Riley's increased activity on Saturday, he ran low most of the night. Not too low, but low enough to get me up to check his sugar more often. Then, at 6 AM, he was 71. Too low. This was after his pump had been suspended for 3 hours already. He gets a snack and wakes up at 249. A great start to mother's day.
I was just so sad all morning. I had so much to be thankful for, I knew, but still this first mother's day with D was upsetting me for some reason.
Then, it was off to church. It was nice. We have people place carnations in the sanctuary in memory or honor of their mothers. I got two. One from Riley and one from Holden.
Of course the sermon was about mothers. As the preacher is going on about how wonderful mothers are, I'm biting my lip trying not to cry. He goes on to say that real mothers are very protective of their children. They'll do anything to keep any harm from coming to them. OK, I'm about to lose it in the middle of church.
Riley had gone to "children's church". After the sermon ended, he came running in with this big grin on his face and a homemade mother's day card, just for me. When he handed me the card and said, "Happy mother's day. I love you." , I.lost.it...big.time.
I just started kissing him and crying. My mom was standing there and I felt bad for crying like that in front of her. I quickly got up and walked to the car. I didn't want anyone to see me like that.
Here's the thing. I'm a mom before anything else. That's not really how it's supposed to be. But, I'm being honest. I put being a good mother number one on my list of priorities. Because of that, I think I felt like somewhat of a failure on this, his first mother's day with diabetes. I felt like I had fallen down on the job. I disease has taken over my child's body. And I can't do anything about it. I can't make it go away. All the tears, all the prayers, all the sleepless nights, and he still has diabetes. And he always will. He always will. What horrible words to write. Yes, I still hope for a cure, but baring that, my child, my precious baby, will always count every bite of food he eats, will stick himself with a needle several times a day to check his sugar, will be attached to a machine 24/7. My baby is dependent on medicine to live. Without it he will die. Die. Without his insulin, he would die. I just keep typing it to try to get it to sink in.
I know him having diabetes is not my fault. I know "it's just one of those things". Cognitively I know that, but it doesn't help my heart. My heart still aches for him on a daily basis. My heart still breaks a little every time he says "Mom, I'm so glad I won't have diabetes in heaven. Do you think God will hold my pump for me?" You see, even though he knows he won't have diabetes in heaven, he still can't imagine not having his pump. It's a part of him now.
I'm his mom. I'm supposed to make him better. I'm supposed to protect him from the bad stuff. That's my job. Nothing bad is supposed to happen on my watch. But, in October, it did. And, I can't fix it. I can't make it go away. And, it just kills me.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Happy Birthday Riley
This is me on the day I went into labor. Scary, I know. I'm brave for posting it. I went into labor on Mother's Day in 2002.
I was in labor off and on for most of the day. Finally, at about midnight we left for the hospital, which was an hour away. The contractions were getting closer together and harder the closer we got to the hospital. Michael was driving and Holden, who was 11 at the time, was in the back seat. I had put a towel in my seat just in case my water broke. Just as we were turning onto the road that the hospital was on I became sick and threw up on the towel. All I could hear was Michael saying "Don't look Holden! Don't look!" I was wearing a maternity dress. I had gotten throw up on it also. I walked into the lobby and the lady said "Oh, your water must have broke." I had to tell her that was not the case and that I had gotten sick. My, the things we women endure to bring our children into the world.
We were sent to a little room where I was put on a monitor to see if I was really having contractions. Turns out, I was. Also turns out I was 6 cm dilated already. "Yeah!" I thought. Maybe this won't take long. Not so. We arrived at the hospital at about 1 AM. Riley didn't arrive until much later, 12:18 PM.
I was handling the contractions pretty well. They were hurting and getting worse, but I could tolerate them OK. Then, the Dr. decided that I wasn't progressing fast enough. This was at about 9 or 10 AM. I seemed to be stuck at 7 cm. He started Pitocin. For those of you lucky enough not to have experienced this wonderful drug, let me tell you about it. It is designed to increase the intensity of your contractions. And, it did a darn good job too. At the time, I told Michael I was sure it was designed by Satan. At one point, I looked at Michael and said that it felt like my uterus was going to rupture.
I have never had pain like that in my life. I hope I never do again. They gave me some drugs, but nothing touched the pain. Then, the nurse asked if I wanted an epidural. I responded with a very enthusiastic, "YES!!!" (probably a little too enthusiastic). She went out and came back in a little later. The Dr. wouldn't order one.
When I was pregnant with Holden, I developed a blood clot. I was on blood thinner, shots in my stomach 4 times a day, for 6 months of my pregnancy. When I got pregnant with Riley, just to be on the safe side, I was put on blood thinner again. This time it was just once a day though. But, because of that, I was at an increased risk of bleeding into my spine from the epidural, which could cause permanent paralysis. I had already researched all of this myself. I had stopped the blood thinner on my own 4 days before. I knew the blood thinner was out of my system. The nurse couldn't do anything but what the Dr. said. I asked to talk to the Dr.
While I'm waiting for the Dr. and rolling about in the bed in immense pain, another nurse came in. I could tell she was kind of green. She came in with a big smile on her face and a great big blue exercise ball. She tried to get me to get out of bed and sit on this ball. I just looked at her like she had lost her mind. She kept explaining how it would help move the baby down into the pelvis and blah, blah, blah. But, I was having horrible back labor and had just found a somewhat comfortable position. I wasn't moving even if someone paid me a million dollars to do so. I just completely ignored her and focused on a spot on the wall. Finally, Michael gently said, almost apologetically, "I don't think she's going to get on that ball."
The ball was taken out and in walked the Dr. He came over to the side of the bed. I grabbed the lapel of his lab coat and pulled him closer to me. I said, "Look, I'm a nurse. I've done the research on Lovenox. I know the risks, and I want an epidural. I haven't taken my meds for 4 days. It only takes 3 days for it to clear out of your system." He said he'd have the anesthesiologist come in and talk to me about it.
A few minutes later in walked a short man with curly blonde hair. He didn't talk about the epidural at all, except to tell me I would have to sit on the side of the bed so he could start it. My prayers had been answered and this was my angel!!
I sat up and rounded my back like he said. I was pushing against Michael. He said he's never been so scared in all his life as when they stuck that needle in my back. I said I'd never been so relieved in all my life. I had a contraction just as he stuck the needle in, but had to stay very still. That was the last contraction I felt.
Now, I could rest. This was actually starting to get fun. I was going to have a baby soon!! We didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. I lay on my side for about an hour. I would turn from time to time. It took Michael and a nurse to turn me because I couldn't move the lower half of my body at all. The nurse was in there at all times monitoring my contractions. I was resting with my eyes closed. At one point she whispered to Michael,"It's a good thing she has that epidural because that last contraction went off the chart." "I heard that", I said, and then smiled. I didn't feel a thing.
An hour later I was fully dilated and ready to push. The Dr. came in and after 2 pushes, I see a little head sticking out and I started to cry. Then, one more push and I hear "It's a boy!" Michael cut the cord. And, I layed eyes on my beautiful, perfect, little boy. They took him and put him in the bassinet. I asked, "Is he OK?" The Dr. assured me he was fine. I looked at Michael. He was crying. He stuck his head out the door. My parents and Holden were standing out there. I heard him say, "It's a Riley!"
The Dr. stepped out for a minute and came back in. He said, "You have a big boy out there crying just as hard as your little one is in here." Holden was out in the hall crying too. He'd been asking for a brother or a sister for a long time, and now he finally had one.
And that's how my sweet baby, Riley, came into the world.
This is my mom, dad, and Holden meeting Riley for the first time.
This is father and son. I was in the picture too, but cropped myself out. After 15 hours of labor, I wasn't exactly "camera ready".
From the minute I found out I was pregnant, I loved you. From the minute I heard you take your first breath, you had my heart....and you always will.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY BOY!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Friday, May 12, 2006
Interview Me(me)
I have been interviewed by Vivian at DanielDoo. I will tell you how to play at the end of my interview if you're interested.
#1: If you could choose a career, besides nurse, what would it be?
I've played around with the idea of being a diabetes educator, but then I'd still be a nurse wouldn't I? I would never do that though. I just think the best educators are the ones who have been there themselves. You can't learn everything from books. You learn the most from experience. But, that would be too much diabetes for me, I think.
I think if I could be anything, it would be a pharmacist. I've often wished that I went to pharmacy school rather than nursing school. It would have only been one more year than what I went anyway.
#2: Who has had the biggest impact on your life?
No question about it, my mom. I guess that might be the case for most people though.
My mom is a fine upstanding Christian woman. She has led by example in so many aspects of her life. She was/is a very sacrificing mom. She made sure my needs were met even if her's weren't. She's always told me I could do anything I wanted, and I always believed her.
#3: Tell us about one of the most fun moments of your life.
Now, that's a hard question. I really have had a great life. I guess I'll say a somewhat recent fun moment. We went on vacation to the mountains of NC last July. We had the best time. I knew that we needed to enjoy it because Holden was 14 and soon wouldn't tolerate family vacations. We all slid down Sliding Rock into the ice cold water. Even my brave Riley did this. We hiked to a beautiful waterfall and spent a few hours just watching the water and talking.
I have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. The memories are all that much sweeter because Riley didn't have diabetes then. We didn't have the worries we have now. I think about how much different that trip would have been had he had D. Not quite as carefree. I'm glad we did it.
#4: What is your guilty pleasure, just for you?
Sorry to be boring, but I don't really have one. I don't really have anything that I do just for me. I'm in "mom mode" too much, I think. The one thing that I do that doesn't really involve the kids or my husband is play Super Collapse II on the computer. If you haven't tried it, you should. But, beware, it's addictive.
So, I guess playing a mindless game instead of cleaning the house sometimes is my guilty pleasure. Yes, I really am that boring.
#5: Name a positive thing about diabetes.
A few months ago this question would have been impossible for me to answer. I would have just said, "There isn't one." and be done with it.
I can say that diabetes has had a positive influence on how I see things now. As much as I talk on my blog about breakdowns and the bad stuff, I really have learned to enjoy life now more than I did before. I think Riley getting diabetes made me focus in on what's important. Before, I think I was just trudging through life. I wasn't really taking time to enjoy it.
I laugh more now than I used to. I've learned to loosen up a little more. I really did used to be a fun person, but somewhere along the way, I lost that part of myself. I'm now getting it back.
A few weeks ago my mom and I were talking about Holden going to Las Vegas with his basketball team. I told her that I wanted to go, but it would be so expensive. Plus, I want Michael and Riley to go too. But, of course, that's added expense. But, if Holden goes, I'm going to find a way to go. I told my mom that since Riley was diagnosed I've realized that we only get one life. We need to enjoy it while we can because we never know what tomorrow might bring. Before Riley was diagnosed if this trip had come up, first of all, I probably wouldn't let Holden go. Secondly, I wouldn't have considered flying the family all the way across the country. But, now, I realize opportunities sometimes only knock once and you better run to the door and answer it, before it moves on to someone else.
#1: If you could choose a career, besides nurse, what would it be?
I've played around with the idea of being a diabetes educator, but then I'd still be a nurse wouldn't I? I would never do that though. I just think the best educators are the ones who have been there themselves. You can't learn everything from books. You learn the most from experience. But, that would be too much diabetes for me, I think.
I think if I could be anything, it would be a pharmacist. I've often wished that I went to pharmacy school rather than nursing school. It would have only been one more year than what I went anyway.
#2: Who has had the biggest impact on your life?
No question about it, my mom. I guess that might be the case for most people though.
My mom is a fine upstanding Christian woman. She has led by example in so many aspects of her life. She was/is a very sacrificing mom. She made sure my needs were met even if her's weren't. She's always told me I could do anything I wanted, and I always believed her.
#3: Tell us about one of the most fun moments of your life.
Now, that's a hard question. I really have had a great life. I guess I'll say a somewhat recent fun moment. We went on vacation to the mountains of NC last July. We had the best time. I knew that we needed to enjoy it because Holden was 14 and soon wouldn't tolerate family vacations. We all slid down Sliding Rock into the ice cold water. Even my brave Riley did this. We hiked to a beautiful waterfall and spent a few hours just watching the water and talking.
I have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. The memories are all that much sweeter because Riley didn't have diabetes then. We didn't have the worries we have now. I think about how much different that trip would have been had he had D. Not quite as carefree. I'm glad we did it.
#4: What is your guilty pleasure, just for you?
Sorry to be boring, but I don't really have one. I don't really have anything that I do just for me. I'm in "mom mode" too much, I think. The one thing that I do that doesn't really involve the kids or my husband is play Super Collapse II on the computer. If you haven't tried it, you should. But, beware, it's addictive.
So, I guess playing a mindless game instead of cleaning the house sometimes is my guilty pleasure. Yes, I really am that boring.
#5: Name a positive thing about diabetes.
A few months ago this question would have been impossible for me to answer. I would have just said, "There isn't one." and be done with it.
I can say that diabetes has had a positive influence on how I see things now. As much as I talk on my blog about breakdowns and the bad stuff, I really have learned to enjoy life now more than I did before. I think Riley getting diabetes made me focus in on what's important. Before, I think I was just trudging through life. I wasn't really taking time to enjoy it.
I laugh more now than I used to. I've learned to loosen up a little more. I really did used to be a fun person, but somewhere along the way, I lost that part of myself. I'm now getting it back.
A few weeks ago my mom and I were talking about Holden going to Las Vegas with his basketball team. I told her that I wanted to go, but it would be so expensive. Plus, I want Michael and Riley to go too. But, of course, that's added expense. But, if Holden goes, I'm going to find a way to go. I told my mom that since Riley was diagnosed I've realized that we only get one life. We need to enjoy it while we can because we never know what tomorrow might bring. Before Riley was diagnosed if this trip had come up, first of all, I probably wouldn't let Holden go. Secondly, I wouldn't have considered flying the family all the way across the country. But, now, I realize opportunities sometimes only knock once and you better run to the door and answer it, before it moves on to someone else.
Here are the directions for anyone else who would like to play. Leave me a comment saying interview me. The first five commenters will be the participants. I will respond by asking you five questions. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
I'm putting this in myself. I know I have some that read my blog that don't have a blog of their own. If you would like to play just leave a comment saying "interview me" and I'll give you the questions. Instead of posting it in your blog, you can post your answers in the comments of my blog, if you'd like.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
WOO HOO!!!!
Thank you to all who contacted your Senators regarding S.1955. It looks like it worked!
Please go to Sandra's blog for more info.
And to copy Sandra's sentiments, THANK GOD!!!
Please go to Sandra's blog for more info.
And to copy Sandra's sentiments, THANK GOD!!!
Monday, May 08, 2006
Another breakdown
I had another breakdown today. You know what I'm talking about. One of those "I just can't do this anymore" breakdowns.
I'd had a particularly tough day. First, my wrist has been hurting for over a week now. I bought a brace. I've been using heat and Ibuprofen, but the pain keeps getting worse instead of better. (I'm typing this with one hand, so it will probably be short. ) So, I finally break down this morning and get an appointment with the Dr. I HATE going to the Dr. Other than my yearly physical, I avoid Drs at all costs. One reason is because I'm a nurse and I don't like dealing with Drs anymore than I already do. Another reason is because you tend to have to go to them 3-4 times before they actually tell you what's wrong with you.
My appointment was at 11:45. My Dr. is 45 minutes away. I had a new patient to admit this morning, which is pretty time consuming. There is a lot of paperwork involved. She also had a somewhat involved dressing change to do, which didn't help my wrist at all.
I got done at her house just in time to leave for my appointment. The Dr. (actually PA) told me that the symptoms I'm having are a little weird. I didn't actually injure my wrist. It just started hurting. He took x-rays and nothing appeared to be broken. So, you guessed it, "well, Mrs. R. I don't really know what it is. Where you are hurting there aren't really any major tendons or ligaments. Maybe it's cartilage , blah, blah, blah...." In other words, "I have no better idea than you what is wrong with your wrist". He gave my steroids (which I won't take because I've taken them before and they drive me up the wall) and a prescription for something that has the analgesic effects of an aspirin. I'll just stick with my Ibuprofen, thanks.
I had left my cell phone in the car. When I got back to the car I called my mom. She'd just checked Riley's sugar and it was 67. She gave him some fruit snacks and he had eaten and his sugar was now 190. He's been low at lunch the last few days, so I made a mental note to do some adjustments when I get home.
I left the Dr's office and went to another patients house. This particular patient is what we in the medical profession call a train wreck. He's in his 70s, lives alone, has no children or family to help, and was just sent home with a trach. He is really just an accident waiting to happen. To make a long story short, the visit was filled with one problem after another. I had to make several phone calls to Drs, oxygen companies, and respiratory therapists. All the time, my wrist is throbbing. The PA was anything but gentle when he examined it. Oh, I failed to mention that just before I arrived at the patient's house my mom called to inform me that Riley's sugar was now 334. Great, just what I needed to hear.
I finished up with my patient and got in the car to go home. I felt so sorry for him. He's all alone and he's sick and I'm almost all he has and I only see him 3 days a week. That coupled with my pain and Riley's sugars was enough to push me over the edge. I had a 15 minutes ride home and I cried the whole way. I didn't just cry, I sobbed.
Most of it was a "diabetes breakdown". I need to have one every once in a while, it seems. I just feel like I'm not doing enough to keep his sugars under control. After a good cry I realize that I'm doing all I can, and I go on.
When I walked in the house Michael could tell I'd been crying and I just lost it again. I cried for another 15 minutes or so. But, now, I feel much better. Even though after I stopped crying I asked Michael to check Riley's sugar to see if it had come down and it had come down...to 57.
Right now he is happily playing video games with his dad and his big brother. My wrist has eased off a bit after 4 ibuprofen. I've had my good cry and I'm ready to go another couple of months before it probably happens again.
I'd had a particularly tough day. First, my wrist has been hurting for over a week now. I bought a brace. I've been using heat and Ibuprofen, but the pain keeps getting worse instead of better. (I'm typing this with one hand, so it will probably be short. ) So, I finally break down this morning and get an appointment with the Dr. I HATE going to the Dr. Other than my yearly physical, I avoid Drs at all costs. One reason is because I'm a nurse and I don't like dealing with Drs anymore than I already do. Another reason is because you tend to have to go to them 3-4 times before they actually tell you what's wrong with you.
My appointment was at 11:45. My Dr. is 45 minutes away. I had a new patient to admit this morning, which is pretty time consuming. There is a lot of paperwork involved. She also had a somewhat involved dressing change to do, which didn't help my wrist at all.
I got done at her house just in time to leave for my appointment. The Dr. (actually PA) told me that the symptoms I'm having are a little weird. I didn't actually injure my wrist. It just started hurting. He took x-rays and nothing appeared to be broken. So, you guessed it, "well, Mrs. R. I don't really know what it is. Where you are hurting there aren't really any major tendons or ligaments. Maybe it's cartilage , blah, blah, blah...." In other words, "I have no better idea than you what is wrong with your wrist". He gave my steroids (which I won't take because I've taken them before and they drive me up the wall) and a prescription for something that has the analgesic effects of an aspirin. I'll just stick with my Ibuprofen, thanks.
I had left my cell phone in the car. When I got back to the car I called my mom. She'd just checked Riley's sugar and it was 67. She gave him some fruit snacks and he had eaten and his sugar was now 190. He's been low at lunch the last few days, so I made a mental note to do some adjustments when I get home.
I left the Dr's office and went to another patients house. This particular patient is what we in the medical profession call a train wreck. He's in his 70s, lives alone, has no children or family to help, and was just sent home with a trach. He is really just an accident waiting to happen. To make a long story short, the visit was filled with one problem after another. I had to make several phone calls to Drs, oxygen companies, and respiratory therapists. All the time, my wrist is throbbing. The PA was anything but gentle when he examined it. Oh, I failed to mention that just before I arrived at the patient's house my mom called to inform me that Riley's sugar was now 334. Great, just what I needed to hear.
I finished up with my patient and got in the car to go home. I felt so sorry for him. He's all alone and he's sick and I'm almost all he has and I only see him 3 days a week. That coupled with my pain and Riley's sugars was enough to push me over the edge. I had a 15 minutes ride home and I cried the whole way. I didn't just cry, I sobbed.
Most of it was a "diabetes breakdown". I need to have one every once in a while, it seems. I just feel like I'm not doing enough to keep his sugars under control. After a good cry I realize that I'm doing all I can, and I go on.
When I walked in the house Michael could tell I'd been crying and I just lost it again. I cried for another 15 minutes or so. But, now, I feel much better. Even though after I stopped crying I asked Michael to check Riley's sugar to see if it had come down and it had come down...to 57.
Right now he is happily playing video games with his dad and his big brother. My wrist has eased off a bit after 4 ibuprofen. I've had my good cry and I'm ready to go another couple of months before it probably happens again.
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