Monday, November 26, 2007

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I've been going through one of those good periods lately. You know those times when all seems right with the world and diabetes is way back in the background. It rears it's ugly head every now and then, like the 45 Riley had just before lunch on Thanksgiving. But, mostly we've just been rolling with the punches.

Still, every once in a while, when I'm least expecting it, one of those punches lands squarely on my jaw and I feel the sting as tears well up in my eyes.

I was sitting at my desk this morning, when I saw this picture out of the corner of my eye.

These were taken when Riley was one year old. I looked at his bright smile (the boy smiled constantly in those days) and his chubby little legs and instead of nostalgia, I felt sadness.

Sometimes I look at pictures of Riley before he had diabetes and I can't help but feel a loss all over again. I love my Riley with diabetes fiercely. But, I can't help but think of what it would be like to love a Riley without diabetes.

This morning when I looked at his picture I started trying to imagine what life would be like now if Riley had never gotten diabetes. But, I can't fathom what life would be like without pricking my son with needles and praying for a cure, both of which I do several times a day.

Would I be happier? Would he be happier? Would I appreciate life as much as I do now? Would he be as generous and loving as he is now? Would Michael and I be as close as we are now? Has it hindered Holden's life in any way?

Most of the time I can dodge and weave and every once in a while diabetes lands a glancing blow. But, sometimes, like today, it hits with a force that momentarily knocks the breath out of me.

But, just like many other days, I shake my head, rub my jaw, and wipe the tears from my eyes. Diabetes may not fight fair, but it still won't beat me. It won't beat my son.

I won't let it.


Donna said...

Riley is so fortunate to have you as his mom. I know of kids whose moms don't really give their child's diabetes a second-thought. I know - it's hard to believe, but it's true.

And I hate to tell you this, but the tears from looking at his one year old photos probably won't stop anytime soon. My son is 21 years old & not a diabetic & I get teary-eyed everytime I go through a photo album. You probably do the same thing with Holden's pictures. (They just grow up tooooo fast!) Plus you have the pre & post diabetes thing with Riley, so just keep a lot of tissues on hand. I think moms were born to cry a lot - tears of joy; sadness, nostalgia, pride, pain, etc.

Life without diabetes would definitely be different. But with the great family you have, I'm sure it would still be good. Hang in there.

Shannon said...

OMG, he was a cute baby. Holy mackerel.

Our kids need someone in their corner. I can't think of a better person than you to have in Riley's. He's lucky to have a mom who will fight so hard to keep him safe and healthy. Believe it or not, there are kids who don't have that.

Carey said...

You bring up something very interesting. This disease does alter us and our relationships. I like to think for the better.

You are doing everying right in preparing Riley for the cure that will come someday.

Paige said...

What tough questions...would he be happier? That shakes me up.